How much they beat up on Alabamians.

Sure, our state has its problems.

We are not really good at education. Or really anything other than watching football and producing idiot-crazed bunk.

Oh, and our governor’s primary accomplishment is embarrassing himself and we elected him mainly because we are afraid of Republicans who like monkeys.

And worst of all, not all of those cute stores in Homewood seem to stay open as late as they should.

(That one is really bad.)

But we cannot help any of that. We have to focus on what is important:

Ourselves.

That’s what this summer’s worth of coverage at Reran Tragedy has been about: Applauding the Alabamians who stand up to say that everything in politics and government is and should always be about them and them alone.

But just because this state has dire, dire problems that only seem like they are going to get worse in the next few years, that does not mean that Alabamians’ brave and illogical political selfishness is to blame.

No matter how bad or awful the political course of the state turns, it is never the fault of us, the voters.

To say or even think otherwise would diminish what it means to call ourselves “Alabamians” — if not “Americans.”

(And what we call ourselves is always important!)

So just because the state’s voters are about to vote to basically eliminate Medicaid and devastate health care in this state because the Legislature idiotically put something so important on the ballot because hard decisions and tax thingies could make people mad, it’s not voters’ fault.

Just because the Birmingham School Board that we elected is full of people who would rather burn down the schools than actually manage them in a way that makes public education in the city work, it is not our fault.

Just because we are about to re-elect Roy Moore as Alabama chief justice because we like our judges incompetent and Jesus-y, despite Moore being removed from office in disgrace the last time we elected him, and his likely having willingly forgotten what law was so he could learn the anti-gay parts of the Bible in “Dothanese,” it is not our fault.

And just because he is somehow going to decide — without any legal authority whatsoever — that Dothan must be turned into a mutant exploding kangaroo farm as revenge for “Dothanese” not being a real language, it is not our fault that we elected him. Again. Nor is it our fault that we embarrass ourselves when we happily applaud his decision as “standing up to unconstitutional activist judges” even though he is acting as an unconstitutionally activist judge.

And just because Gov. Bentley does not use any of his official power or common sense to stop Moore’s mutant exploding kangaroo farm decision because Bentley does not know how any of that works and the Legislature might see him, it is not our fault that we elected the most politically incompetent governor since Guy Hunt — with that assessment possibly underselling Guy Hunt.

And when the exploding mutant kangaroos leave Dothan in ashes, it is not our fault just because our lazy choices have left us with a government that cannot solve any problem, big or small.

And when the exploding mutant kangaroos hunger for more combat and conquer the entirety of the Wiregrass, it is not our fault that we probably should have actually gotten on that terrifying kangaroo thing, but the idea of government doing anything was more unbearable than the idea of government doing something. Because something is something with which people may disagree.

And when the exploding mutant kangaroos rain hoppin’ hell on Montgomery, it is not our fault just because we did not put up those mutant kangaroo defenses around the capital or accept federal help because neither option came with a 50 percent income tax cut.

And when we actually end up fervently supporting the totalitarian rule of the exploding mutant kangaroos because they changed the state symbol to a Confederate flag peeing on an interracial gay couple, it is not our fault that the rest of the world is appalled that we would sacrifice rights that supposedly meant something to us for a thing that is so unbelievably embarrassing and stupid.

It is not our fault because Alabama voters are never culpable at all.

For anything.

Ever.

So whose fault is it?

Theirs.

Whoever they are.

They are always doing something that goes against our hilariously useless and contrived sense of “honor.”

They are the ones being the immature selfish children who cause the problems by not thinking outside of themselves long enough to realize that good government is not trying to make them happy all the time.

They are the ones who are really paying more attention to the football game or buying that nice polo from the Galleria instead of things that amount to so much more than a teardrop in the bucket of existence.

It is always somebody else’s fault why everything is so messed up and ridiculous and weird in Alabama.

Even if we are the only people around.

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.

by Leeds Alabaster

The heart of the Birmingham area lies not in Birmingham itself, but in the vibrant and unique homogeneous suburbs that lie around its edges. Every other week, Reran Tragedy Deputy Intern Leeds Alabaster rounds up news and issues driving the public conversation in Central Alabama’s Better Country.

VESTAVIA HILLS — Normal Vestavia Hills mothers are already competing with each other this week to try to determine who will get to carry their kids’ one black classmate to school in their morning carpool.

Twelve-year-old Robin Carmichael’s presence in liberal moms’ respective Honda Pilots is hotly sought after as the parents try to teach their kids about diversity.

“I made my one black friend growing up because they had to be bussed in with me,” said Holly Simpson, 42, a lifelong resident of Vestavia. “If I’m going to drive all of four blocks to get them to and from school, why shouldn’t they they have the same opportunities as I did?”

When seeing the Carmichaels this summer, parents such as Simpson have been sure to offer enticements to get him to ride home with them this fall.

“Hey Robby! How are you! You’ve gotten so big!” Simpson told Robin outside of a showing of “The Amazing Spider-Man” at the Vestavia City Center Rave. “You should ride home with Marcus Firebird [Simpson's son] this fall. I’ll let you guys play Xbox and eat Bagel Bites until 6! I know my little M.F. would love it if you darkened our living room this fall!

“I mean, lightened! You’re just a light, you know?!”

Others were somewhat less enlightened.

“Hey Big R! How are you?” asked Sherri Cottrell, 39, whose daughter Sheryl Meeshull is in Robin’s class. “You know what I bet you and I have in common? We both love grape soda! I bet you couldn’t drink all the grape soda I’m going to keep in my car this fall, I tell you what!”

And other moms were perhaps a little too direct.

“Hey Robin,” said Diana Hubert, 38. “If you ride home with us this fall, I get after Nickel Copper [Hubert's son] about not calling you ‘boy’ so much in between classes.

“That’d be cool, right?”

Robin said he has been flattered by the attention, but he actually won’t be able to ride home with anyone because he has band practice after school.

Suburban Police Blotter: Six-year-old’s Trapper Keeper tantrum leads to Hoover police call

A plastic-based plastic police bullet marker denotes where a 6-year-old threw a Mead-brand Trapper Keeper premolded, magnet-infused school assignment, illustration, and instruction holder, requiring the presence of Hoover police.

Hoover police said they very nearly had to take some severe steps toward note taking last weekend when a 6-year-old boy “got a little too fussy” inside the Walmart on Highway 150 because the store didn’t have a Mead-brand Trapper Keeper of his liking.

“NO!” Kit Mustang Mitchell, 6, screeched when his mother showed him various decorated, overpriced plastic folders for holding papers and school crap. “I wanted Diego [of the former Nick Jr. show ''Go, Diego, Go!']! Why don’t they have Diego?!”

“They don’t have Diego in Hoover, Kitty,” said Kit Mustang’s mother, Kelli, 35. “You’re gonna have to pick out another one, baby.”

“NO!” Kit screamed.

Kit Mustang’s cries, however, alarmed Walmart workers.

“He just kept, you know, screaming,” said Walmart employee Daryl Wicker, 17. “It was way scary, man.

“And then I saw little man, like, throw a bunch of Mead-brand folders on the floor, and I was like, ‘Whoa! This is another ‘Dark Knight’ shooting right here, bro. We best call 5-0 before we all shot up by the little Joker. ‘Cause the Joker is awesome and all because don’t got no mercy, bro!”

When police arrived in the aisle, their mere presence scared Kit Mustang, who quickly hid behind his mother’s legs, occasionally peeking out a wet eye to look at the smiling policemen.

His mother was more infuriated than scared.

“He was an upset little boy! That’s nothing to call the police about!” Kelli shouted at the Walmart’s manager. “This is the last time that I come to this Walmart before going to Target first!

“I don’t even care if it is more convenient to stop here on the way to the Chick-Fil-A!”

When asked about the incident, a Hoover police spokesman laughed and said that he was just happy that the officers weren’t being called “at 3 in the mornin’ because some weirdo was puttin’ a couple Wii controllers up his anus.”

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.

This is the last al.COMMENTARY of the summer. Usually I just curate more stupid comments to advance the argument that Advance Publications ought to finally stop soiling its journalism with toxic talkback filth. This week I’m not.

(Trust me, aside from noting that after last week’s Tuscaloosa bar shooting, the al.commenters went back-and-forth from complaining about how people shouldn’t be up after midnight on a weeknight but also that al.com should have posted the story sooner than 4 a.m., humanity is better if I just left them all alone.)

Instead, after doing five XL-sized al.COMMENTARY columns this summer, here are seven lessons I learned along the way that should help elucidate why al.com’s managers should finally, finally clean up the slime at the feet of their reporters’ work.

1. These aren’t just normal stupid newspaper website commenters.

Sure, the talkbacks on newspaper websites will forever be the bastion of bitter middle-aged to old people with harshly constrained worldviews who want to shake a digital fist toward the sky. You’re always going to get the sweet old lady who think that the style of polos the kids are wearing in school is a sign of the devil and [insert "welfare society" rant here]. The same people who used to write dumb Letters to the Editor have computers now.

The al.commenters are not just those people.

Don’t believe me? Go back and read the columns I put together over the summer.

The first three end with a commenter calling for a lynching.

The fourth ends with a call for violence against a 14-year-old girl.

2. This really does make Alabama a worse place to live.

Someone asked me when I started doing al.COMMENTARY whether I thought that the al.commentariat was spoiled as a whole, or if it was just an outspoken minority. I lean toward the minority argument — at most, I think this is the same, limited group of harsh, racist, classist scumbags posting over and over again and then finding a way to start anew when one of their anonymous accounts gets banned.

The problem is that things have long been so bad that all that pretty much the entirety of the conversation going on at al.com these days are the nutjobs and the bored liberal trolls who challenge them on stupid things.

By default, al.com is where you go to find out what is going on in Alabama. It is the place where the state’s biggest news organization pools its content. Much of the scroll-down area on the story pages are comments. So, in old media terms, al.com having such slimy talkbacks is equatable to the bottom of portion of each day’s Birmingham News having a big banner saying “LET’S KILL ALL THE BLACKS!” over three-quarters of the front page.

(And to be fair, The Birmingham News practiced journalistic negligence and moral bankruptcy by just ignoring the civil rights movement, if memory serves correct.)

The problem with this is two-fold. First, whether you admit it or not, your views of the world are confirmed by what you see. Seeing that kind of shit dripping from actual news every day has to have some sort of residual effect on Alabamians ability to progress.

And to be clear, by “progress” I don’t mean a) happy government handout for everybody or b) you have to gay marry a half-German Asian-Mexican transgendered person.

I mean “progress” in the sense that perhaps Alabama could become a place where it is not so reasonable for some anonymous idiot to call for minorities to be lynched on a newspaper website.

You know. That.

The other problem is that it makes Alabama a less inviting place to live, which isn’t good for the economy and it isn’t good for bringing in the talent that fuels it.

Now, unless you’re Larry Langford and you’re going to shout at me for suggesting reality,¹then you probably realize that, for the love of God, does Alabama need some more intellectual capital. You need those people to draw in businesses.

This is not the only thing stacked on the camel’s back in these situations, but I know several people who say they look at the al.comments and think, “I could never live there.”

Some of them are Alabama expats. Some of them are out-of-staters intrigued by the prospects. Some of them are people already here trying to figure out whether they want to stick around in Alabama.

Now, is it fair to pin the economic and social future of the state on al.com allowing a bunch of anonymous shitheads post up a bunch of crazed, offensive stuff on the internet?

Hell no. Alabama has been digging its hole for generations. All the al.commenters do is announce that there are some pretty scary trolls down at the very bottom.

But does that excuse al.com from making this state look like a much shittier place than it probably is because its web developers are apparently the only ones yet to figure out that outsourcing their comment system to Facebook or a similar service makes things infinitely more civil and manageable?

Hell no.

3. About 90 percent of the problem would be fixed by adding Facebook’s comment system or something like that.

Every third hillbilly in Alabama has finally made the transition from what’s left of MySpace to Facebook. Some of the biggest online publications’ bustling talkback communities are fueled by Facebook comments. What’s the problem here?

Seriously, do you think the guy who named himself after black-on-black violence would be doing half of his bullcrap if he had to give his real name? And if you want crazy hillbillies saying racist things to stir things up, there will always be some dumbass who posts something stupid, reputation be damned. It just won’t be every other post anymore.

I mean, have you been to this state?

Get football involved and someone will send out a press release as he pees on his cousins on his front lawn.

And that’s just over recruiting.

4. Read enough comments and stories and you get the sneaking suspicion that Advance is happy to encourage or turn a blind eye to the more despicable, racist commenters because they stir up traffic.

It’s not like the al.com crew knows how to design or run a functional news website or anything.

And sure, this might seem like a fine business plan to some of you.

Of course, I’m sure you could make money off deliberately selling dirty needles.

You could that, but it’s not very smart or sustainable.

And I certainly wouldn’t ever want to deal with you as a human being ever again.

5. This has jack crap to do with the First Amendment.

First of all, al.com is a private entity. They don’t have to allow any viewpoint they do not like on their website, and they already don’t allow viewpoints they don’t approve of — just to be clear if you are constitutionally uninclined.

Second, if you’re putting faith in a corporation to live up to an ideal, you might want to pick one other than Advance. This is the company that, with a straight face, has continued to pledge itself to living up to supposedly high journalistic ideals and providing round-the-clock information while also eliminating the vast majority of journalism jobs at its publications. QED.

Finally, if Advance were so dedicated to using its forums as a means of honoring diverse viewpoints, al.com’s own longstanding version of al.COMMENTARY wouldn’t be perhaps the most intellectually bankrupt feature on its site.

If you really wanted to show off the diversity of opinions your commenters are sharing about the school board, why not share KillAllBlackz82′s thoughts about why it’s “alls the monkees fault!111!!!!”?

6. This has jack crap to do with openly discussing issues of race in Alabama.

There’s an appreciable difference between discussing the divides — political and social — among races and screaming that white people are just jealous of black people’s penis size and shouting for all the blacks in Birmingham to be exterminated because you don’t like “thugs.”

7. It’s not going to change until Advance can afford to or has to make it change.

Or in other words: This is only going to get worse before it gets better.

Advance is going from its strength to its weakness by switching to a web focus. Until its managers can convince themselves that parting with that redneck rubbernecking traffic is worth it, the filth will likely still be there.

And I’m not sure there’s a place with water hard or hot enough for this state to wash it off.

______

¹”Let’s do something!”

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can like this blog on Facebook and follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com. 

Every Monday at Reran Tragedy, Editor-in-Chief Cal Alabaster Jr. draws on his considerable experience in Southern politics to round up news, notes, and blatantly pasted-in press releases that readers may have otherwise missed.

THAT'S THE JOKE.

Members of the Birmingham Board of Education overnight burned down most of the system’s schools and took other acts to devastate education in the Birmingham area in a bold action aimed at sending a message to state officials who tried to tell them things.

Last week, the same board members voted to fire Superintendent Craig Witherspoon, defying orders from the Alabama Board of Education, which has taken over the system because of personnel and spending concerns.

With Witherspoon restored by week’s end thanks to state action and lawsuits, the five members who voted for his firing said that they felt something had to be done to remind the state who is really in charge of education in the Birmingham area.

“This is our money,” said School Board President Edward Maddox, as he used a flamethrower to ignite the lunchroom at George Washington Carver High School.

“We should decide how we spend it or how not to spend it,” Maddox said, lighting up a Molotov cocktail. “They’ve got no business coming here and telling us how to run our schools when the voters put us in charge.

“Us,” he said as he casually threw the Molotov cocktail into a classroom and walked away.

“Where’s the concern about atheltics [sic]?” demanded board member Tyrone Belcher, as he set up an elaborate and disturbing array of handmade explosives in P.D. Jackson-Olin High School’s gymnasium. “The state doesn’t have to sit here and listen to all these people angry with the superintendent that we invite to speak at our meetings. They don’t get the problems going on here.”

“They don’t understand our concerns over this mess,” Belcher said as he pushed a plunger in Jackson-Olin’s parking lot, igniting a fireball seen as far north as Warrior.

“The state is trying to make us do things,” said board member Virginia Volker, overturning a large canister and filling Jefferson State Community College with hundreds of deadly vipers for some reason. “That makes us mad.”

“There’s only one way to get anything done with these people — and that’s with action,” said Maddox as he and Belcher drafted blood- and feces-smeared death threats to be sent to any out-of-state employers looking to settle in the Birmingham area.

“We’ll make our mess as big as we see it, and we’ll fix it how we want to,” Belcher said, spreading some of the ashes of what’s left of the Birmingham education system on one letter.

Instead of dealing with the issues actually affecting the school system, the six board members say that at their next meeting they plan on spending three hours hearing from residents who would like Witherspoon to be fired.

That is, not just terminated from his job again, but actually lit on fire.

Hoover mom proudly overreacts to ‘Dark Knight Rises’ shootings

After hearing news of the mass shooting inside a Colorado movie theater’s midnight showing of “The Dark Knight Rises,” Hoover mother of two Molly Collins-White was ready to overreact in a silly exercise that she believed would make her children safe from freak shootings and the possibility of their committing similar violent acts.

Collins-White immediately collected “anything that looked like a cartoon with pointy ears and clown faces so the kids won’t kill anybody,” she bragged to a friend over the phone on Friday afternoon. She also admonished her two boys that believing in “anti-gun superheroes lead to gun murder” and that they are never to go to a movie theater ever again.

“And now you know what happens to people who stay up past midnight,” she scolded her confused sons.

But Collins-White is not “heartless,” she told friends and family concerned about her kneejerk reaction to a freak incident that ultimately has little to nothing to do with a particular set of fictional characters.

She said she plans on picking out “a new superhero cartoon that’s actually healthy for young boys’ minds unlike that violent and mean Batman.

“I think this Punisher cartoon sounds promising,” Collins-White told her friend over the phone. “I like the message that name sends.”

Weekend headlines from Alabama papers

The Birmingham News: “MORE EXCITING NONEVENTS FROM SEC MEDIA DAYS!”

Mobile Press-Register: “BETWEEN SEC MEDIA DAYS AND AIRBUS WE’VE LEFT GALLONS OF BIOLOGICAL MATERIAL ON THE FLOOR!”

The Huntsville Times: “NICK SABAN SAID THINGS!!!! GENE CHIZIK TOO!!! ROCKET!!!”

The Anniston Star: “Actual news”

The Daily Mountain Eagle: “Birmingham Galleria fire prompts Jasper Mall to take extra precaution by hosing down all merchandise”

This week in Alabama history

William Lowndes Yancey, the pro-slavery “fire-eater” who drafted Alabama’s ordinance of secession from the United States prior to the Civil War, died at his home in Montgomery.

Since then, Yancey’s intellectual descendants have pointed to his death and those of millions of Alabamians since then as proof that “not owning slaves is what fatal.”

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.

Click to make larger.

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.

The perpetual political whore of tomorrow, Artur Davis.

I’m tired of these meddling lefties beating up on poor Artur Davis.

They are all so down on him just because he woke up, stopped drinking the Osama Obama juice and realized it was more likely that he could get elected in another political party and in another state than the place he nominally served for a decade.

They call him the same idea-less, more-ambitious-than-smart-or-talented, ultimately worthless political whore who twiddled his thumbs in a leadership position and, when it came time to play big-boy politics, flunked out so hard that he had to move to another state.

But that’s unfair.

No, Artur Davis is the idea-less, more-ambitious-than-smart-or-talented, ultimately worthless political whore of tomorrow.

You see, Artur Davis is a true conservative visionary. And if it were not for the Democrats not voting for him in 2010 and telling us that Bradley Byrne thought we might come from monkeys, we might have a true, bright conservative visionary as governor right now.

(Damn those interfering Democrats! Not letting us vote for Democrats they don’t want as their gubernatorial nominee and making us vote for Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley by telling us that Bradley Byrne isn’t Creationist enough! Damn them!)

(Damn them!)

Don’t believe he is a true conservative? Just look back at that election year. He was so conservative and so against Democrat leadership in Alabama in 2010, he didn’t even bother to run a real gubernatorial campaign while running as a Democrat.

He let the market’s free hand decide whether he would be elected or not — he didn’t need any big government campaign ran with a modicum of political talent or electoral sense. And as a true Reaganite, he took a trickle-down approach when he could actually be bothered to campaign. He focused on trying to win over racist white people who weren’t going to vote for him and hoped that his message would eventually trickled down to people who actually vote in Democrat primaries. That’s smarts right there.

Alas, Democrats, being what they are, wanted someone to actually campaign to them instead of just vote for whom they were expected to get behind.

Especially all those ungrateful blacks of West Alabama who Davis represented for eight years. Just because they live in one of the poorest and most downtrodden congressional districts in the Southeast, and Davis never even came close to being crusading leader for a region sorely and obviously in need of one, they act like he never did anything for them except keep a seat warm while prepping for his crappy gubernatorial campaign.

And we know that’s not true. They got to say that their congressman was “a real up and comer,” “someone to keep an eye on,” “a real potentially bright political star who occasionally says general things that seem to get the general problems of the people he represents.”

Wasn’t the fact that he had a lot of praise from out of state and seemed like he read a newspaper enough?

I mean, he could’ve been someone important!

Perhaps!

Luckily, the free hand always guides a kinda talent to where it is needed, and Republicans now need Artur Davis as a professional-looking-and-sounding black politician who kinda knows Barack Obama and can say Barack Obama is a bad person on the television.

He finally found a place that fits his campaign style. He doesn’t have to worry any more about talking to poor folks who are going to get help from the government or from no one.

I mean, just look at what told a group of good Christian Tea Partiers in a rally in Falls Church, Va., last week. Despite years of professing to care about the plight of poor and black Alabamians—including once being called pivotal to a vote that saved public housing funding and “[a] champion for the poor”—he pledged that he was “the kind of conservative who believes what we have done in the last 47 years since 1965 has not worked.”

Of course, you could say it probably wouldn’t be great for poor and black Alabamians that Davis used to represent if the policies won during the civil rights era didn’t exist. To some of these unfair lefties, such a statement might seem like the ultimate betrayal.

But you see, the struggles of the black Alabamians Davis once represented, the people who have went from nothing thanks to a lot of those policies implemented since 1965, did not benefit Artur directly.

Sure, they let black people from South Alabama like him vote, not starve to death and get a basic education like every American should be able to receive—but they didn’t get him elected as governor of Alabama.

And he wanted that really, really bad.

And his feelings got hurt when he lost.

Therefore, it is clear those policies have failed. And Artur has canvas-bagged his way up north to win over a bunch of people who can still hope that he might some day actually kinda sorta deliver on all that promise he supposedly has.

So when Artur Davis is back to keeping a seat warm in Congress and gets trotted back out again as “someone to watch” and such, I want you to keep something in mind when you meanies are calling him the cheapest and most pathetic political sellout that Alabama has produced since George Wallace promised that he wouldn’t get “out-niggered” anymore.

Artur Davis is the political whore of tomorrow.

And it’s not his fault that you wanted something more than a self-centered engine of empty promise to run your state.

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.

Every Monday at Reran Tragedy, Editor-in-Chief Cal Alabaster Jr. draws on his considerable experience in Southern politics to round up news, notes, and blatantly pasted-in press releases that readers may have otherwise missed.

An altered picture of Kristen Saban spread around by Auburn fans on Twitter as part of their #Saban2012 campaign "to bring Kristen Saban to justice for all the crimes she has inflicted upon innocent sorority sisters of the world." The main result of the campaign so far is to put Kristen Saban ahead in polls for several local offices in Tuscaloosa County.

A debate raged throughout the state this week as to whether Alabama football coach Nick Saban‘s daughter Kristen should be tried — and possibly executed — for war crimes for beating the living fat crap out of a sorority sister who made fun of her and posted something mean about her on Facebook.

In a civil complaint, Kristen Saban’s University of Alabama Phi Mu sorority sister Sarah Grimes alleges that Saban last year savagely beat Grimes for making fun of Saban after a night of drinking illegally at bars and playing the drinking game “Power Hour.” The complaint says that Saban broke Grimes’ nose and inflicting other injuries—physical and psychological—upon her.

The violent incident has some Alabamians calling for Kristen Saban to be charged with “war crimes.”

“This type of despicable friendly fire incident against one’s comrade-in-group-you-pay-to-have-automatic-friends-in-college is the type of thing that most people are executed for. And I don’t think it’s inappropriate to compare this to the Fort Hood shooting,” said Terry Clemmons, 36, of Hueytown, as he drank a beer wrapped in an Auburn University coozie. “You don’t beat up a sorority sister like that just because they wrote ‘Everybody hates Kristen! Yaaaaay!’ on Facebook. That’s dishonorable, and we shouldn’t make an exception just because she’s the daughter of some sort of overpaid piece of illegally won national championship trash that cheats in recruitin’.

“Our state doesn’t need another black eye just because she gave her friend one.”

Others disagreed.

“If he weren’t none damn Commie queer, [President] Obama woulda done give her a goddamn medal of honor for whippin’ that Auburn sleeper agent bitch’s ass and makin’ her daddy proud,” said Ken Holland, 35, in the office of his body shop in Moulton, where he has a framed “got saban?” T-shirt signed by one of the people who patted Saban’s back as he arrived at the Tuscaloosa airport in 2007.

“Shit, of course she had to break that bitch’s nose,” he said. ”It was the only way to smash the chip in her nasal septanium [sic] that controlled the suicide bomb that she planned on what settin’ off in Bryant-Denny Stadium. She saved non-Auburn’s people’s lives!

“Kristen’s a goddamn hero. Roll Damn Tide!”

But the divide continued.

“You don’t let a dangerous animal like Kristen Saban run wild — you put her down,” said Karen Jepps, 41, of Huntsville as she attached a tiger tail to her Auburn-sticker clad, orange Ford Explorer. “Read that lawsuit. She beat that girl in the face despite her havin’ ‘really bad migraines’ from a car wreck. That girl was beat up so bad that she has night terrors about another another teeny sorority girl coming at her and makin’ her die of concussion syndrome like those prisoners in the NFL.

“And worst of all, Kristen Saban disrespected the sacred bond of Power Hour. They need to put her down. Now.”

And yet the debate went on.

“Sometimes you just gotta kick people’s ass,” said Mike Harris, 22, while filling up his Camaro at a gas station in Trussville. “She learned that from her Daddy. And Lord knows that evil bitch she whooped was just workin’ with Auburn to steal more recruits from us with their trees full of money.

“Also, and most importantly of all, Auburn fans are a buncha queers.”

He then added, “42-14! RTR!” and drove off while screaming “Woooooooooooo!”

Meanwhile, Alabama’s political leaders are perilously close to obliterating the quality of medical care in the state because they left the hard choices in state government up to an off-date referendum in September.

Weekend headlines from Alabama papers

The Birmingham News: “Alabama Republicans trying to determine which shed to take Bentley behind”

Mobile Press-Register: ”AIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRBUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSS! Oh baby!”

Montgomery Advertiser: “Seriously, Mobile: Stop masturbating. We didn’t do that when we got Hyundai. Much”

The Huntsville Times: ”Huntsville students to get laptops despite lack of Christian camo finish”

The Daily Mountain Eagle: “Planned Parenthood hopes to stop all unwanted pregnancies in Walker County by simply closing the parking lot under the Wallace bridge”

Also The Daily Mountain Eagle: “Butterbean opening his own memorabilia store. You can buy old championship belts and even his most recent power bill for just $200.”

This week in Alabama history

Days after walking out of the National Democratic Convention Philadelphia because the Democratic Party dared to stand for civil rights, anti-integration Alabama Democrats who split off into the “Dixiecrats” held their own national convention in Birmingham and nominated Strom Thurmond as their presidential candidate.

Thus continued the state’s long tradition of being the gathering place for immature assholes who refuse to do what’s right.

Roll Damn Tide.

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.

by Leeds Alabaster

The heart of the Birmingham area lies not in Birmingham itself, but in the vibrant and unique homogeneous suburbs that lie around its edges. Every other week, Reran Tragedy Deputy Intern Leeds Alabaster rounds up news and issues driving the public conversation in Central Alabama’s Better Country.

A cardboard-quality stock cardboard self-calligraphied sign that Calera resident Pam White used to show her sensitivity toward tornado victims who she thought should buy her stuff at a yard sale last year. She said she ran out of material before she could make another sign that cautioned victims to be "Tornado winners, not tornado losers" by buying her seven least favorite Elvis lamps.

CALERA — Fifteen months after a series of powerful tornadoes killed dozens and destroyed millions of dollars worth of property in Alabama, a Calera woman says she is still upset with the victims for the tornado overshadowing her yard sale the following weekend.

Pam White, 49, says that she had planned on “selling a lot of my stuff” the weekend after the April 2011 storms and did not appreciate how only a few people seemed to show up to her sale in their wake.

“You’d think they’d all want to come out and buy all my stuff if theirs supposedly got so messed up,” she said while looking through her overpacked garage.

She advertised the sale by placing a small cardboard sign below the gas price sign at a Shell station off the main Calera exit off I-65.

“But y’all know how it is. Every time a sissy little wind blows through we can’t go and buy people’s stuff they can’t get rid of,” she said.

To acknowledge the tornadoes while also promoting her sale, White hung an Alabama flag — a flag of the country band Alabama, not the state — near her mailbox. Alongside the flag was a cardboard sign, reading, “Alabama Tornado Memorial Flag, Half-Off!”

She also posted another sign advertising “FEMA Bucks Accepted” in hopes of attracting more tornado survivors to buy her unwanted stuff.

Alas, her hopes of people driving all the way from tornado stricken communities such as Tuscaloosa and Rainsville to buy such rarities as a Walmart cuckoo clock that she had gotten bored of and a Target grandfather clock that she also had gotten bored of turned out to be for naught.

In turn, White said she has a deep anger at those who received government assistance after the storm.

“They walkin’ around like they millionaires,” she said. “Actin’ like they won a lottery, when they don’t even got that much. It probably isn’t even more than the price of all the houses that they lost.

“Thinkin’ they’re too good to come to my yard sale — a buncha welfare cheats is what they are.”

White also said that she believes the storm — spawning 62 funnel clouds that killed about 250 people — was “overrated” and has been pumped up by “the lyin’ media that also didn’t care about my yard sale.”

“If it had happened in Auburn, there wouldn’t even have been a peep about it in The Birmingham No-News,” White said, pointing to her “Cam’s the Man” Auburn football T-shirt. “But let ol’ Nick Saban and his buncha nasty losers have a little wind blown around their asses and it’s a top story on CNN and we don’t have to go to anybody’s damn yard sale anymore.

“Heck, football season is over in April,” she added.

“I don’t see what the big deal is.”

Baby’s birth leads to purchase of much larger SUV

The birth of a Vestavia Hills couple’s firstborn is the loose justification for their trading their black Honda Pilot for a massive, candy-apple red Chevrolet Tahoe that a proud car dealer described as “big enough for a small family in Fairfield to live in”

“After little G.D. was born, we were like, ‘This tiny little Pilot doesn’t have enough room for a family of three,’” said Melanie Mitchell, 28, as she climbed five feet to fasten her newborn Gerome Dallas Mitchell, into his carseat. “I mean, if we go a block down the street for groceries, we’ve got to bring the big stroller, and we’ve got to bring G.D.’s books if he gets bored sleeping, and we’ve got to bring seven bottles of formula, and we’ve got to bring at least six of his toys because we want him to be particular, and we’ve got to bring a little iPod speaker to play classical music in the stroller so he’ll be smart, and of course, and then we got to bring chargers, and a laptop to get new music and games for him to play to build up his motor skills, and  if we bring all that, then we’ve got to bring the lifesize mock up baby decoy [an overpiced baby doll] and all the baby decoy’s duplicate stuff so little G.D. doesn’t feel baby-lonely and like he always has a baby friend, and a baby friend who he doesn’t have to worry about being financially insecure so G.D. doesn’t grow up all manic depressive like we read.

“Oh, and I guess we need extra room for more groceries and stuff too,” she added. “I just want everything to be OK, and a car big enough to fit a pontoon boat in makes me feel closer to that.

“Though I do need the baby monitor to tell if G.D. is crying because the car is so big,” she said, giggling.

Mitchell then drove to The Summit shopping center near Mountain Brook, where she sideswiped seven vehicles, crushed a shopping cart and blocked two lanes of traffic finding a place to park.

All of which, to be fair, that the baby seemed to enjoy immensely.

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.

Welcome to al.commentary, the piece where we curate the vile, bigoted crap Advance Publications allows mostly anonymous commenters to post on news stories that scares people from visiting and living in our lovely state and shames the work of the hardworking, award-winning journalistsit has largely laid off. The hope is they will switch to Facebook comments or something to really clean things up a bit. They won’t. But here we are.

For the unfamiliar, al.com is a website operated by Advance Publications, a media company that owns Alabama’s biggest newspapers. These are storied publications that have been nominated for and even won the Pulitzer Prize, and they have long been the benchmark for quality journalism in the state of Alabama. And Advance also owns The Huntsville Times.

al.com is where Advance publishes its newspapers’ stories online. Because they allow fairly anonymous commenting, they have attracted by far the most rabidly crazy and offensive talkbacks in the state. As such, it’s a daily stain on the image of the state.

Today, we get some predictable calls for violence and secession in response to the Supreme Court’s Affordable Care Act ruling, claims that the immigrants are bringing smallpox back in style, and some spectacular ownage by a Birmingham News reporter of a particularly racist talkback.

Enjoy.

This is a kind of disappointing intellectual hell.

So, yeah, the Obamacare ruling came down. And everybody, myself included, predicted the al.commentariat would unleash a torrent of offensive rage diarrhea that may not be matched until an illegal immigrant living in a housing project uses a voter registration form to chop down one of Toomer’s Oaks and then is gay married to a sex offender by Nick Saban on the stump.

But as always, when you expect anything out of Alabamians, they disappoint.

It was not really that crazy. It was mostly the same stupid rants about Canada and the United Kingdom over and over again by right-wing nuts who don’t know what is in the law and do-gooder liberals with too much damn time on their hands who have yet to learn the most important rule of the internet: “Do not feed the motherf—ing trolls. Or click on goat.se links. Do neither of those.”

Even the calls for secession were low and surprisingly accurately spelled.

Now that being said, was there kneejerk Alabama stupid that shames our great state to its core?

Does al.com still have comments?

1BamaNative1‘s comment is really everything you would expect: Made up words, constitutional illiteracy, and unfortunate calls to violence.

Must say I’m shocked by this ruling. By this “reasoning” there is not anything the federal gooberment cannot mandate as long as they call it a tax, which Obama assured us it was not. He got what he wanted - OBAMACARETAX.

“Because the Constitution permits such a tax, it is not our role to forbid it, or to pass upon its wisdom or fairness.”

Regardless, it’s clear, this government will not be turned around without at some point in the not to distant future resulting to arms. So be it.

“WE GONNA HAVE TO KILL SOME FLOKS IF WE WANAA STOP THE OBAMACARETAX!”

If you want to learn to write something that devastatingly idiotic, I understand that 1BamaNative1 will be putting on a clinic next week at the Hueytown Recreational Center for Old White Alabama Guys Who Haven’t Gotten the Class Yet to Not Be Immature Racist Assholes.

(And I’m not saying he’s a racist because he doesn’t like OBAMACARETAX. I’m saying he’s a racist because I’ve put together four of these columns before this and he is a very active al.com bigot. Continuity!)

Context for this comment from footbrawl is not needed.

Yeah, hopefully something good like states seceeding from the union.

Commentary isn’t needed, either.

Meanwhile, bill is also feeling secessionist.

Alabama needs to join all southern sataes and tell the Northern dictators to kiss off. We don’t need for the government telling use what we can and can not do.

“F— STOPLIGHTS!”

::Car crashes.::

::bill dies.::

::Still posts stupid shit on al.com from the afterlife because God hates Alabama.::

poliscientist isn’t the only “intellectual” or “commentator” who somehow seeks to promote his “thoughts” through al.com’s forums that we will highlight this week, but he is the one that I take the least seriously because he is crazy as balls.

Why isnt there a PALATABLE solution ? Why isnt the solution to end the
century of government intrusion into the healthcare industry that has
pushed the system to crisis ? Were it not for government intrusion, healthcare
would be rationally priced, would correspond to the cost of other services
such as plumbing and auto repair, and would reflect the fantastic
price/performance seen in the electronics field, where for instance the cost
of 1 meg of ram has fallen a MILLION FOLD from its cost 50 years ago.

The disaster of US healthcare exists because the central planning committee
of medical producer reimbursement, medicare, has COMPLETELY REPLACED a consumer
driven market where producers and consumers interact through the
price mechanism. As a result some $8,000.00 per year is spent on
healthcare per person – $32,000.00 for a family of four. The average income
is $50,000 – and so after healthcare costs that leaves only $18,000 – not
enough for mortgage payments of the typical homeowner. In other words
in a REAL market NO ONE would spend so much on healthcare. It is the distortion
in allocation caused by government intervention that creates this figure.

The REAL solution is secession. Eventually as happened in the War for
Southern Independence in the 1860s, people will comprehend the
destructive nature of government control, and attempt to withdraw
wholesale from its imposition. Rather than by armed rebellion, the most
successful approach will turn out to be passive resistance. The mises
institute and hans herman hoppe have written extensively on the logic
and necessity of secession. Such analysis can be found in abundance
at mises.org. Through secession and passive resistance central planners
will be forced to give up their power or see it reduced to a small fraction
of its present levels – perhaps inline with the situation shortly after 1776
where government acted primarily only to protect individual rights.

“Health care costs too much! Numbers! Government’s fault! This should be like computers! We could have the iPad 2 of anal fissure cures by now! Let’s make our own country! I’ll be in charge of diplomatic relatons with Portugal. Hooray!”

At some point after OBAMACARETAX, the forums had become a hellhole for every douchebag who 1) does not like being told what to do because he or she is a sad immature child in an adult body and 2) has a stupid theory disconnected from reality to underpin his or her inability to accept that there are laws and things that they have to follow even if they don’t like them.

For example, liarstopper.

Say that again in 3 years, we will soon be ruled by the un.

To all who think of the United Nations as some sort of overbearing secret world government: Have you seen the U.N. work?

Seriously, they are about as in touch, useful and results oriented as a discarded Furby doll in a landfill.

nanabama cracks open the Hitler keg.

What a sad day for our country that was founded on freedom and individual liberty. We now share something with the Germany of many years ago with our own “Hitler” whose name is Obama. Senior citizens who have worked all of their lives will now be denied healthcare in order for our Hitler to provide more freebies in the form of free healthcare in return for their votes while law-abiding citizens who have been the backbone of this country will be denied healthcare. Wake up people – he doesn’t care about you, it’s all about his agenda to turn our country into a socialist nation where nobody has anything except him and his cronies!

‘Cause Hitler was really big into denying health care to old people to give out “freebies.” Like, he would give out Cracker Jacks and mini-Frisbees and shit. And then he’d try to exterminate the Jews. But the Cracker Jacks were separate. The mini-Frisbees, not so much, unfortunately.

And our Hitler’s name is Obama, by the way. nanabama wants you to be clear on that.

cuzn4909 has a … message? A small electronically transmitted stroke? I can’t be sure.

BHO and the Neo CommiecRAT Marxist/Socialist- Rule/Dictate instead of Govern Congress have shoved down the throats of the middle class Americans the biggest TAX increase in the history of America. TAX -TAX – TAX – TAX em until they bleed and make em like it. What the Marxist/Socialist Radical Extremest Biased Lefty Media ain’t saying is the part about “you can take the Mule to the water but you can’t make the Mule Drink”.

And then chocolate megaphone had the cereal drink pop waffle corn tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax I smell burnt hair.

Leviticus20:13 is really just an unreasonable and silly bigot, not a health care expert, so he plays to his strengths here.

Too be honest, this decision gives Romney the only chance to win. Otherwise the only chance I think he had was to promise amnesty to illegals.

Because, that’s a…  solution?

Tron ! not only remembers a time when people took “The Disney people live in the computers!” seriously (which was sadly a year or two ago), Tron ! also remembers when M. Night Shyamalan made a movie that weren’t ridiculous and full of suck.

*The year 2014* “I see dead people”.

Yes. People will still die in 2014. And you might see them. If you have vision and shit. And you know, go to a funeral home or something.

Rance_, like many Alabamians, especially its political leaders, doesn’t understand how we can do something good for one group and not screw the holy lovin’ bejeezus out of another.

I have an idea since the State makes large support payments to the universities such as Alabma and Auburn why don’t we drop that support in order to pay for the poors healthcare. The students then would have to pay the real cost of their education and there would be no need for a tax increase.

I look forward to his Alabama House run in 2014.

FinalVoice is a left-wing imbecile. That’s about all I can say about it.

alabama’s ‘leaders’ were never known for their foresight and wisdom……………………hence, we are wrong on slavery, wrong on segregation, wrong on immigration, wrong on healthcare reform…..did i leave anything out?

wonder where $aban falls in on healthcare reform. wouldn’t it be funny if he were elected governor one day, and he was for it…

FinalVoice's best-selling, terribly punctuated "Bammy porn" novel revolves around an icy, intense Alabama football coach/governor who enters into multimillion dollar contracts to stick it to Auburn coaches with a variety of creative torture instruments, such as Trent Richardson. Also, something about his liking health care reform or some shit.

“this is a subchapter in my new nick $aban tommy tuberville slashfict where they sepnd a whole lot of their havin sex on the governor’s private beach in gulf shores its near waterville usa..”

onmylastleg shows that mature intellectual discourse begins and ends with openly wishing death upon those with whom you are arguing.

col legno I hope you live long enough to hear the panel that is going to determine whether and what care you get, say sorry but at your age we are spending no more money on you. Then you can go home to die! I wonder then how much you will love Obama care!

Well, he’ll be dead then, so he may have other priorities than political arguments he had on the internet with some asshole.

Pommostacleness stops short of calling for the impeachment of Ben Franklin in this comment.

Woodrow Wilson is on the indictment for the murder of our Constitution, but the death blows were delivered by FDR. The foeign born imbecile that rammed this down our throats merely reopened a loosely sutured wound so that we’ll bleed out faster. The bleeding will be over soon. What then?

Pus?

Hey, y’all remember OBAMACARETAX secessionist leadoff man 1BamaNative1?

Well, you’re certainly about to.

Because he has a lot of offensive, asshole thoughts to share about poor people, health care, and pretty much anyone else.

What difference does it make? If YOU love them, sell your clothes, your house, your car and the rest of your belongings and donate the proceeds to the “poor sick children.” Then live a life of of deprivation so that all of YOUR time and earnings go to the “poor sick children.” What, you won’t do that? Hypocrite B.

“HOW COMES YOU AIN’T MAKEIN YOURSELF POOR ENOUG HTO PAY FOR POOR SICK KIDS! I WANT MY BAOT WIT NO SALES OBAMACARETAX!”

Oh, but it gets worse.

I have complete confidence that socialists and freeloading welfare recipients, public housing occupants and Section 8 recipients in Alabama will want to continue to rob from those of us who earn a living because the socailists and their ilk are slovenly (and mostly obese) parasites.

“I BELIEVE IN RULE OF ALAW THAT ALL POOR PEOPLE ARE FAT!”

Oh, but it gets far worse.

I’m waiting for old conservatives to self deport across the River Styx. Until they do, it’s up to decent people to vote them out of power.

Apparently you aren’t aware that there are a LOT of us old conservatives who have more than two children and are teaching them the difference between being a conservative and being a free-loading socialist. All the while, you leftists are aborting your offspring. Guess which philosophy is going to predominate?

You know those liberals. It isn’t a Saturday night unless they are having an abortion.

…

My God, you’re an idiot.

On the day of the Affordable Care Act ruling, every third post was by someone under the name andyscupboard. This person had written a Blogger post about the ruling and they wanted to promote it over and over again to start a grassroots movement. And obviously, the place where I begin my grassroots movements is al.com because it seems like those people want to do more than bitch about the world on the internet.

A grassroots movement for what, you ask?

Well…

Here is our first of several editorials on the ruling. We are also considering publishing an editorial calling for an impeachment campaign against Chief Socialist John Boy Roberts…..excuse us, Chief Justice Roberts. We know it can’t succeed but we think if multiple billboards are in every county in the country with a picture of the Chief Socialist with the caption “Impeach John Roberts” it might just help spark a needed conversation.

This news has marred what was otherwise a good news day given that quality places are going to be built in Mobile.

Chief Socialist Roberts chose to subsidize artificially inflated health care industry salaries on the back of the American worker. Shame Shame Shame!!!!!!!!!!!!

Impeach him for what? The high crime of being a Supreme Court Chief Justice who decided something that made you upset?

That question never gets answered. The stupid from this person, however, multiplies.

For anyone who has a professional degree, the first sentence of this next post from andyscupboard may send you into a violent, blind rage. You may want to ask anyone loved ones to leave the room and go to a quiet place where there are few valuables that you may break.

Emphasis added.

Most doctors are doctors because they got lucky and got into medical school when someone else didn’t. The number of doctors in the country has been kept artificially low and this leads to an altered salary curve and is also why doctor’s offices are able to get away with customer service that wouldn’t fly in any other business and excessive wait times.

So what you’re saying is that you’re a person who knows nothing about anything but chooses to pretend to be an expert on everything?

You fit in perfectly at al.com!

I’m not even sure what the hell this andyscupboard post was about, but it has that kind of stupid that stands on its own.

We can use the Impeach John Roberts as our rallying cry. The billboards will get attention and win people to our cause.

No, it won’t.

Are you 14?

Is this what you do in between “World of Warcraft”?

What is wrong with you?

The coup de grace, however, is the following post, in which…

Well, you’ll see.

This is going to be a sad Christmas for many families. Johnny wanted that go-kart and Susie wanted that Barbie house but now….but now….

Now mommy and daddy can’t get them any presents because they have to pay Mr. Obama’s mandate.

Ole’ Jimmy is a good worker. He knows a man’s three best friends are Jim, Jack, and Evan, and he makes his living with his hands. He’s a damned good craftsman too. Julie is his sweetheart and he wants her to be his bride and he wants to get her the best ring possible.

But now…..instead of that ring, he has to pay Mr. Barack’s mandate or the IRS. He won’t be able to get as nice a ring for Julie. Whereas she woulda said yes she might now say no and Jimmy’s little heart will be broken. She might even dump him on the spot.

But it’s all good because after all, Mr. Barack needed this to happen to get his little political victory. It doesn’t matter that it will cause real pain in real peoples’ lives.

Here’s a numbered list of exasperated rage:

1. WHY WOULD THIS CHRISTMAS BE BAD?! NONE OF OBAMACARETAX KICKS IN UNTIL 2014!
2. HOLY SHIT, SERIOUSLY? THEY CAN’T BUY ANY PRESENTS BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO “PAY THE MANDATE.” WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! THE MANDATE IS THAT THEY HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE. IF THEY DON’T HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE, THEY DON’T HAVE TO PAY A DAMN THING. AND IF THEY DID HAVE TO PAY SOMETHING, IT WOULDN’T BE UNTIL APRIL WITH THEIR DAMN TAXES. READ A NEWS STORY INSTEAD OF SHOUTING “IMPEACH JOHN ROBERTS” TO RALLY BEHIND YOUR MAKE-BELIEVE CAUSE TO GET PEOPLE TO READ YOUR STUPID-ASSED BLOG.
3. GO-KART?!?!?!?!?
4. WHAT KIND OF TREE-F—ING SEXLESS, MISOGYNISTIC DUMBASS MASTURBATORY DYSTOPIA ARE YOU LIVING IN WHERE IT’S AUTOMATIC THAT A WOMAN WON’T MARRY SOMEONE UNLESS THE RING IS EXTRA NICE?! GROW UP. SHIT. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY TALKED TO REAL PEOPLE BEFORE?! REAL MARRIED PEOPLE AT LEAST?! SHIT.

Moving on.

And they still hate the Mexicans that what talk funny down at the Walmart.

So, if you too thought thought that the al.commentariat’s reaction to OBAMACARETAX was underwhelming, you may wonder what they are willing to get worked up over in inappropriate, cruel ways.

The missing ingredient, as always, is brown people.

DonaldDunlap

Between now and the election, I expect Obama to issue another edict to give drivers license to all illegals. He must have their vote. At this point he could care less about the law, he is doing what ever he has to inorder to get reelected.

catoyounger

Actually, Robertos, everyone loses when the US is overtaken by millions of illiterate peasants from failed Third World countries.

I’ve actually resolved to stop recording the stories where al.commenters offer up some crazed, stupid-assed comment about Hispanic people or immigrants in general. They’re willing to drop a “millions of illiterate peasants” bomb on pretty much anything these days.

Take, for example, this story about an Auburn student having tuberculosis.

That feeling of immense dread for those of you who have class and a soul?

That’s well-earned.

zeissguy

Illegal Aliens have brought this disease back into this country as they did with West Nile Virus. Obama is working against the People of America.

yancyde. Unfortunate emphasis added.

Many illegals who cross our borders have tuberculosis. That disease
had largely disappeared from America, thanks to excellent hygiene
and powerful modern drugs such as isoniazid and rifampin.
TB’s swift, deadly return now is lethal for about 60 percent of those
infected because of new Multi-Drug Resistant Tuberculosis (MDRTB).
Until recently MDR-TB was endemic to Mexico. This
Microbacterium Tuberculosis is resistant to at least two major
antitubercular drugs. OrdinaryTB usually is cured in six months with
four drugs that cost about $2,000. MDR-TB takes 24 months with
many expensive drugs that cost around $250,000,with toxic side
effects. Each illegal with MDR-TB coughs and infects 10 to 30
people, who will not show symptoms immediately. Latent disease
explodes later.

hoovereagle in response to the above.

What are we doing with this country? I am scared for my child.

Look, guys, I made up and continue to write a faux presidential candidate cuckolded by a third-generation Hispanic man who blames illegal immigrants for that and a whole lot of other bizarre things. Secret immigrant warfare being blamed for a fluke case of tuberculosis on a university campus and the West Nile Virus (illegal mosquimigrants!) is deranged shit well beyond my freakishly contorted imagination.

Onto more amusing things.

14NXC has a plan, y’all.

Let’s start a movement on the conservative Republican law abiding side, starting with a walkout and boycott beginning Tuesday July 31st, where every member of that majority walks off his job at noon, goes home, and remains off work; goes no where, spends no money, and waits for 14 days. By then, the utilities will be off; the supply lines will be dead; there will be no food on the shelves; transportation will come to an abrupt halt; there will be inadequate services in every sector; and we will have “their” attention in Washington. Don’t Tread On Me!!! Stop teh foolishness. There are no free lunches.

Having read some of your comments, I absolutely support your plan to voluntarily remove the means through which you post things on the internet and then starve yourself to death.

This week in naked Brookie news.

So, a naked guy on LSD tried breaking into the Country Club up in Mountain Brook around July 4.

sainthoodlum felt that al.com didn’t do the kind of probing journalism into naked men that the world needs.

This story doesn’t make the Mtn Brook police or LSD use look as bad as it does Al.com. There are so many unanswered questions here. Who was the guy? A 21 year old man. Ok, what’s his race, name, where is he from? Does he have a job? How did he enter the Country Club? How or why did he end up approximately two miles away from Vulcan by 3:38am? Actually, precisely where did he start off the night anyway? What does the Country Club have to say about any of this? Are all of these facts withheld? If so, by whom? Is it a rich Mtn Brook daddy’s son? Does daddy have a name? Why did the police believe he was thirsty? How did the gaurd initially discover him? Why are no charges brought yet? Is that normal? What kind of charge’s should he expect?

Al.com, you have one job. Ask who, what, when, where, and how. One job. This is a website content to be outdone by its own comment section.

“I DEMAND TO KNOW IF IT WAS ONE O’F ‘EM BLACK RICHIES KIDS WHO LIKES RUNNIN’ AROUND THE NAKED DOWN AT THE WALMART AND YALL INFERIOR TO YOUR COMMENTERS YALL AINT RACIST NEUGOUGH NONE.”

Don’t worry sainthoodlum. I’m sure Aaron Sorkin will come up with a blowhard alternate universe take on how this very important naked person story should have been covered in the second season of “The Newsroom.”

And if not, you can write your own version for YouTube about speechifying racist “al.commenters.”

Which I would watch, by the way.

Meanwhile, claude cat says check your facts, man.

Gotta call BS on this guy’s story. Nobody “blacks out” when doing LSD. Trust me..I might have tried it once or twice in my mis-spent youth. It does just the opposite. He was either drunk or just a criminal.

“I’M WHAT TIRED OF THE DRUNK CRIMINASL RUNNIN’ AROUND BLACKIN’ OUT AND STARTIN’ STREET FIGHTS AND BLAMININ ON THE PEACEFUL LSD ENTHUSIAST! YALL BIASED!”

Cap’ns Killjoy of the Week

No matter how heartwarming, no matter how fun and fluffy and cute a post a newspaper story can be, there will always be that one asshole who is ready to throw a wet blanket on it because, well, they want you to be miserable too.

Meet msalabama1. She doesn’t like that this guy in Huntsville makes a really, really, really big hamburger for fun every Fourth of July.

Makes me gag. Alabama is among the top five states in obesity. This monstrosity is the perfect weapon for a heart attack or stroke. You want to see something impressive, watch “Forks Over Knives” and “Food, Inc.” documentaries. “Earthlings” is another VERY enlightening documentary which shows how the hamburger is produced.

“i’d like to remind you sirs ansd madams that this looks like something just for fun and that doesn’t seem to mesh with my healthy lifestyle. im an asshole. thank you.

“btw, watch movies!”

A close second was FedUpInJeffCo, who was upset over Cooper Green’s community garden.

“…the garden, funded through grants…”

In other words, those of us who work and actually earn enough to pay the taxes get to foot the bill for yet another  government giveaway.

“EVERYTHING IS MINE!”

Or, in short:

Viceroy Hurrrrrr of the Week.

Each al.COMMENTARY post, we award the title of Viceroy Hurrrrrr. Designated by Emperor Hurrrrrrlong of the Hurrrrrrlong Empire to lead the Hurrrrrr colony at al.com, the honor of Viceroy Hurrrrrr goes to the poster who makes that completely unnecessary joke for the sake of satisfying the emotion that tells them “HURRRRRRR! LOOK AT ME! I MADE FUNS OF YOU! HURRRR!”

This week,we have a tie.

First, adslkid shows that adslkid is HURRRRRRRRRgry.

Also they are one of those people who went “OMG! ZOMBIE POC-LIPS REAAAAL!” over a crazy zoinked-out guy in Miami a few weeks.

At least he wasn’t hungry or he might’ve been eating someone’s face.

HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

And then CRIMEBOS45 disagreed with Alabama’s rabidly Republican congressmen being all what rabidly Republican about the OBAMACARETAX ruling.

I guess they would support the UNAFFORDABLE CARE ACT.

HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

This week in al.com racism and bigotry.

Because of the July 4 holiday and my sanity, I didn’t do a whole bunch of reading of comments on posts where there would be a mess of racist comments, so it’s a blessedly light week on that front.

Invariably, if you raise the problem of racism with anyone on al.com’s staff, they will say something to the effect of self-reporting fixes it and that somehow things are better because … magic.

That’s why this week’s al.COMMENTARY Racist Asshole of the Week and Should-Be-Dealt-With Troll of the Week goes to the same person, BamaRB1964.

Now BamaRB1964 didn’t post anything notably racist his week.

But BamaRB1964 has this as his al.com user avatar.

But they are really working to keep these conversations productive at al.com, I tell you what!

First up in the zoo of deranged, horrifying Alabama bigotry are the following comments on a story about how people are beating the intense heat.

The main photos to go with the post was of this homeless interracial married couple — black man, white woman — hanging out in a downtown Birmingham park.

So you know this is going to go well.

Leviticus20:13

Homeless couple is a good representation of bham

bamajim1

Plaits his hair ! give me a break! Where have all the men gone? This heat and that picture makes me sick !!!

A story about the Birmingham Public Library’s role in a biography of Michelle Obama, shockingly, also drew some offensive ire.

scootkreg‘s post steadily goes from whiny to deeply offensive.

No other first lady had 20 assistants. Hillary and Laura Bush had the most with 3. Other first ladies did take up causes, but they were actually subjects that they new something about except for Reagan’s “just say no.” Never understood that one my self. For example, Laura Bush was a librarian, so she had a reading initative. Michele is “big-boned,” has a husband who eats awful and smokes, and has a chubby kid, but wants to tell others how to eat.

…

There was something unremarkable but still racist that a guy with an Auburn avatar decried. This response by 14auburn to his response amused me to no end.

You embarrass the Auburn nation

“YOU AIN’T AUBURN FAMILY AU IN ENOUGH CAUSE YOU WHAT AINT A MEMBER OF THE KAN CAM4HEISMAN ALL OVER AGAIN WAR DAMN EAGLE!”

And now, because I’m tired of ending posts with calls for violence against 14-year-olds and yells for lynchings, here’s Birmingham News reporter Joseph Bryan owning a racist commenter on a story that, for some reason, prompted a racist reaction from Blacksheep.

Hat tip to Weld‘s Madison Underwood for screen capping this for me.

Well done, sir.

Well damn done.

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can like this blog on Facebook and follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com. 

Every Monday at Reran Tragedy, Editor-in-Chief Cal Alabaster Jr. draws on his considerable experience in Southern politics to round up news, notes, and blatantly pasted-in press releases that readers may have otherwise missed.

The Huffington Post's subtle and nuanced headline for its post on last week's racist Christian rally in Winfield.

Northern online media outlets last week reacted to the news about a fringe white power Christian group holding a whites-only rally in the small town of Winfield as further confirmation that Alabama is a place that lacks electricity, where slavery still persists, and generally weird things happen.

Last week, a Christian organization labeled a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center held an event in the tiny West Alabama town of Winfield, inviting only “all white Christians” to attend.

During a slow news week caused by the Fourth of July holiday, the news of a bunch of random racists in middle-of-nowhere Alabama was welcome nourishment for the North’s influential liberal mock-and-moan online media.

“They should let some Jews in to this whites-only rally in Wendlefield [sic]. It would give the chickens someone else less barefoot to have sex with while they vote for [infamous Louisiana Gov.] Huey Long again and do Confederate Mormon stuff that bans Mexicans from all their Bob Evanses,” reads a post from the still-around political humor blog Wonkette. “And I mean maybe Mitt Romney can come down for some cheesy racism himself on his way to visiting [disgraced former South Carolina Gov.] Mark Sanford at the Appalachian Trial. Plus, they should really invite some Jews because funny New York yiddish things.”

“[Additional type of off-color political joke that hasn't been funny, well done or relevant since Ana Marie Cox stopped writing Wonkette several years ago.]”

“This shows everything wrong about what happens every day in the South,” wrote a blogger on the liberal online pointless whining community Daily Kos. “This type of deplorable racism and even more deplorable Christianity is what happens men are allowed to walk around topless in Alabama’s segregated pig pens and Memphis blues clubs but women are not. As I’ve been writing since grad school, the only way we can stop this sort of intolerance is for women to be allowed to walk around topless wherever and whenever they want — and dance. They should especially be allowed to dance! I don’t see why the South doesn’t get this! This is a defining moment! This is the light that will finally let poor, aging Helen Keller see as she undoes her bra!

“Let every strip club be a beacon of hope for tomorrow!”

Alabamians let out a wearied sigh to seeing more media coverage that uses the fringe of the state to define the whole.

“It’s really silly to think that we’re all members of the Klan or something down here,” said Dr. Kerry Tripp, an orthopedic surgeon who lives in Shelby County. “It’s not like we got burnin’ crosses in all our front yards. We may be country, but we’re not that dumb.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to make sure I have a three-mile white family buffer zone between my house and the Mexicans in Hoover.”

Bentley fails to sell Alabama’s sick poor people to French industrialists

AEA officials have discovered that sticking pins in Robert Bentley only results in Artur Davis becoming more whiny, boring, incompetent and Republican.

Failed Alabama Education Association attempt to make a workable Republican voodoo doll and Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley visited France last week to utterly fail to stir up more foreign business after aircraft manufacturer AirBus finally took the state’s several million dollars in tax incentives in order to build planes in Mobile.

Unfortunately, sources say that Bentley was unsuccessful in trying to sell Alabama’s impoverished ill in advance to his having to finally lead like a grownup after Alabamians surely vote against their own interests and murder the state’s Medicaid budget in September.

“I have some top people who tell me that sick old people might be really good insulation for one of your new airplanes. Building something off of our weakest, I tell you, that’s an Alabama solution right there,” Bentley told horrified AirBus officials.

“And I tell you, you can be a real job creator if you just deregulate and use sick kids whose parents can’t afford health care’s tears as jet fuel or lubricant,” Bentley went on, despite accompanying state officials’ increased mortification around him. “And don’t let anybody tell you you can’t use poor sick kids’ tears as lubricant and not be happy. I can tell you from personal experience that a lot of companies use poor sick kids’ tears as lubricant and they are real, real happy.

“Shoot, how do you think we got ThyssenKrupp in Mobile County?”

Top Alabama Republican officials, however, said that they “really appreciate the Governor’s general attempt at not shitting himself in public all the time.

“It’s not like he’s asked the Chinese to pay to use [bankrupt] Jefferson County as a rabid mutant soldier testing ground this week,” an Alabama GOP official said.

Weekend Alabama newspaper headlines

The Birmingham News: “State officials discover that highly intelligent squirrels have been running many Birmingham city classrooms”

The Huntsville Times: “Oh yeah, well… Boeing! Rocket!”

Mobile Press-Register: “AIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

Montgomery Advertiser: “Neighboring counties ask the Mobile area to stop masturbating so loudly and violently over Airbus announcement”

The Daily Mountain Eagle: ”Bama Dragway to host annual Barefoot Races. Sipsey woman training to win Knocked-Up Division for 4th straight year.”

This week in Alabama history

A year into statehood, Alabama saw its first of many leadership tragedies when first Gov. William Wyatt Bibb died in a riding accident on July 10, 1820.

State historians refer to it as “Alabama’s first of many, many fatal muddin’ accidents.”

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.