You know what tires me the most about Yankees and these carpetbaggers who say they were “born here” and have “lived here” all their lives?
How much they beat up on Alabamians.
Sure, our state has its problems.
We are not really good at education. Or really anything other than watching football and producing idiot-crazed bunk.
Oh, and our governor’s primary accomplishment is embarrassing himself and we elected him mainly because we are afraid of Republicans who like monkeys.
And worst of all, not all of those cute stores in Homewood seem to stay open as late as they should.
(That one is really bad.)
But we cannot help any of that. We have to focus on what is important:
That’s what this summer’s worth of coverage at Reran Tragedy has been about: Applauding the Alabamians who stand up to say that everything in politics and government is and should always be about them and them alone.
But just because this state has dire, dire problems that only seem like they are going to get worse in the next few years, that does not mean that Alabamians’ brave and illogical political selfishness is to blame.
No matter how bad or awful the political course of the state turns, it is never the fault of us, the voters.
To say or even think otherwise would diminish what it means to call ourselves “Alabamians” — if not “Americans.”
(And what we call ourselves is always important!)
So just because the state’s voters are about to vote to basically eliminate Medicaid and devastate health care in this state because the Legislature idiotically put something so important on the ballot because hard decisions and tax thingies could make people mad, it’s not voters’ fault.
Just because the Birmingham School Board that we elected is full of people who would rather burn down the schools than actually manage them in a way that makes public education in the city work, it is not our fault.
Just because we are about to re-elect Roy Moore as Alabama chief justice because we like our judges incompetent and Jesus-y, despite Moore being removed from office in disgrace the last time we elected him, and his likely having willingly forgotten what law was so he could learn the anti-gay parts of the Bible in “Dothanese,” it is not our fault.
And just because he is somehow going to decide — without any legal authority whatsoever — that Dothan must be turned into a mutant exploding kangaroo farm as revenge for “Dothanese” not being a real language, it is not our fault that we elected him. Again. Nor is it our fault that we embarrass ourselves when we happily applaud his decision as “standing up to unconstitutional activist judges” even though he is acting as an unconstitutionally activist judge.
And just because Gov. Bentley does not use any of his official power or common sense to stop Moore’s mutant exploding kangaroo farm decision because Bentley does not know how any of that works and the Legislature might see him, it is not our fault that we elected the most politically incompetent governor since Guy Hunt — with that assessment possibly underselling Guy Hunt.
And when the exploding mutant kangaroos leave Dothan in ashes, it is not our fault just because our lazy choices have left us with a government that cannot solve any problem, big or small.
And when the exploding mutant kangaroos hunger for more combat and conquer the entirety of the Wiregrass, it is not our fault that we probably should have actually gotten on that terrifying kangaroo thing, but the idea of government doing anything was more unbearable than the idea of government doing something. Because something is something with which people may disagree.
And when the exploding mutant kangaroos rain hoppin’ hell on Montgomery, it is not our fault just because we did not put up those mutant kangaroo defenses around the capital or accept federal help because neither option came with a 50 percent income tax cut.
And when we actually end up fervently supporting the totalitarian rule of the exploding mutant kangaroos because they changed the state symbol to a Confederate flag peeing on an interracial gay couple, it is not our fault that the rest of the world is appalled that we would sacrifice rights that supposedly meant something to us for a thing that is so unbelievably embarrassing and stupid.
It is not our fault because Alabama voters are never culpable at all.
So whose fault is it?
Whoever they are.
They are always doing something that goes against our hilariously useless and contrived sense of “honor.”
They are the ones being the immature selfish children who cause the problems by not thinking outside of themselves long enough to realize that good government is not trying to make them happy all the time.
They are the ones who are really paying more attention to the football game or buying that nice polo from the Galleria instead of things that amount to so much more than a teardrop in the bucket of existence.
It is always somebody else’s fault why everything is so messed up and ridiculous and weird in Alabama.
Even if we are the only people around.
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at email@example.com.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.