by Leeds Alabaster
The heart of the Birmingham area lies not in Birmingham itself, but in the vibrant and unique homogeneous suburbs that lie around its edges. Every other week, Reran Tragedy Deputy Intern Leeds Alabaster rounds up news and issues driving the public conversation in Central Alabama’s Better Country.
VESTAVIA HILLS — Normal Vestavia Hills mothers are already competing with each other this week to try to determine who will get to carry their kids’ one black classmate to school in their morning carpool.
Twelve-year-old Robin Carmichael’s presence in liberal moms’ respective Honda Pilots is hotly sought after as the parents try to teach their kids about diversity.
“I made my one black friend growing up because they had to be bussed in with me,” said Holly Simpson, 42, a lifelong resident of Vestavia. “If I’m going to drive all of four blocks to get them to and from school, why shouldn’t they they have the same opportunities as I did?”
When seeing the Carmichaels this summer, parents such as Simpson have been sure to offer enticements to get him to ride home with them this fall.
“Hey Robby! How are you! You’ve gotten so big!” Simpson told Robin outside of a showing of “The Amazing Spider-Man” at the Vestavia City Center Rave. “You should ride home with Marcus Firebird [Simpson's son] this fall. I’ll let you guys play Xbox and eat Bagel Bites until 6! I know my little M.F. would love it if you darkened our living room this fall!
“I mean, lightened! You’re just a light, you know?!”
Others were somewhat less enlightened.
“Hey Big R! How are you?” asked Sherri Cottrell, 39, whose daughter Sheryl Meeshull is in Robin’s class. “You know what I bet you and I have in common? We both love grape soda! I bet you couldn’t drink all the grape soda I’m going to keep in my car this fall, I tell you what!”
And other moms were perhaps a little too direct.
“Hey Robin,” said Diana Hubert, 38. “If you ride home with us this fall, I get after Nickel Copper [Hubert's son] about not calling you ‘boy’ so much in between classes.
“That’d be cool, right?”
Robin said he has been flattered by the attention, but he actually won’t be able to ride home with anyone because he has band practice after school.
Suburban Police Blotter: Six-year-old’s Trapper Keeper tantrum leads to Hoover police call
Hoover police said they very nearly had to take some severe steps toward note taking last weekend when a 6-year-old boy “got a little too fussy” inside the Walmart on Highway 150 because the store didn’t have a Mead-brand Trapper Keeper of his liking.
“NO!” Kit Mustang Mitchell, 6, screeched when his mother showed him various decorated, overpriced plastic folders for holding papers and school crap. “I wanted Diego [of the former Nick Jr. show ''Go, Diego, Go!']! Why don’t they have Diego?!”
“They don’t have Diego in Hoover, Kitty,” said Kit Mustang’s mother, Kelli, 35. “You’re gonna have to pick out another one, baby.”
“NO!” Kit screamed.
Kit Mustang’s cries, however, alarmed Walmart workers.
“He just kept, you know, screaming,” said Walmart employee Daryl Wicker, 17. “It was way scary, man.
“And then I saw little man, like, throw a bunch of Mead-brand folders on the floor, and I was like, ‘Whoa! This is another ‘Dark Knight’ shooting right here, bro. We best call 5-0 before we all shot up by the little Joker. ‘Cause the Joker is awesome and all because don’t got no mercy, bro!”
When police arrived in the aisle, their mere presence scared Kit Mustang, who quickly hid behind his mother’s legs, occasionally peeking out a wet eye to look at the smiling policemen.
His mother was more infuriated than scared.
“He was an upset little boy! That’s nothing to call the police about!” Kelli shouted at the Walmart’s manager. “This is the last time that I come to this Walmart before going to Target first!
“I don’t even care if it is more convenient to stop here on the way to the Chick-Fil-A!”
When asked about the incident, a Hoover police spokesman laughed and said that he was just happy that the officers weren’t being called “at 3 in the mornin’ because some weirdo was puttin’ a couple Wii controllers up his anus.”
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at email@example.com.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com