The perpetual political whore of tomorrow, Artur Davis.
I’m tired of these meddling lefties beating up on poor Artur Davis.
They are all so down on him just because he woke up, stopped drinking the Osama Obama juice and realized it was more likely that he could get elected in another political party and in another state than the place he nominally served for a decade.
They call him the same idea-less, more-ambitious-than-smart-or-talented, ultimately worthless political whore who twiddled his thumbs in a leadership position and, when it came time to play big-boy politics, flunked out so hard that he had to move to another state.
But that’s unfair.
No, Artur Davis is the idea-less, more-ambitious-than-smart-or-talented, ultimately worthless political whore of tomorrow.
You see, Artur Davis is a true conservative visionary. And if it were not for the Democrats not voting for him in 2010 and telling us that Bradley Byrne thought we might come from monkeys, we might have a true, bright conservative visionary as governor right now.
(Damn those interfering Democrats! Not letting us vote for Democrats they don’t want as their gubernatorial nominee and making us vote for Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley by telling us that Bradley Byrne isn’t Creationist enough! Damn them!)
(Damn them!)
Don’t believe he is a true conservative? Just look back at that election year. He was so conservative and so against Democrat leadership in Alabama in 2010, he didn’t even bother to run a real gubernatorial campaign while running as a Democrat.
He let the market’s free hand decide whether he would be elected or not — he didn’t need any big government campaign ran with a modicum of political talent or electoral sense. And as a true Reaganite, he took a trickle-down approach when he could actually be bothered to campaign. He focused on trying to win over racist white people who weren’t going to vote for him and hoped that his message would eventually trickled down to people who actually vote in Democrat primaries. That’s smarts right there.
Alas, Democrats, being what they are, wanted someone to actually campaign to them instead of just vote for whom they were expected to get behind.
Especially all those ungrateful blacks of West Alabama who Davis represented for eight years. Just because they live in one of the poorest and most downtrodden congressional districts in the Southeast, and Davis never even came close to being crusading leader for a region sorely and obviously in need of one, they act like he never did anything for them except keep a seat warm while prepping for his crappy gubernatorial campaign.
And we know that’s not true. They got to say that their congressman was “a real up and comer,” “someone to keep an eye on,” “a real potentially bright political star who occasionally says general things that seem to get the general problems of the people he represents.”
Wasn’t the fact that he had a lot of praise from out of state and seemed like he read a newspaper enough?
I mean, he could’ve been someone important!
Perhaps!
Luckily, the free hand always guides a kinda talent to where it is needed, and Republicans now need Artur Davis as a professional-looking-and-sounding black politician who kinda knows Barack Obama and can say Barack Obama is a bad person on the television.
He finally found a place that fits his campaign style. He doesn’t have to worry any more about talking to poor folks who are going to get help from the government or from no one.
I mean, just look at what told a group of good Christian Tea Partiers in a rally in Falls Church, Va., last week. Despite years of professing to care about the plight of poor and black Alabamians—including once being called pivotal to a vote that saved public housing funding and “[a] champion for the poor”—he pledged that he was “the kind of conservative who believes what we have done in the last 47 years since 1965 has not worked.”
Of course, you could say it probably wouldn’t be great for poor and black Alabamians that Davis used to represent if the policies won during the civil rights era didn’t exist. To some of these unfair lefties, such a statement might seem like the ultimate betrayal.
But you see, the struggles of the black Alabamians Davis once represented, the people who have went from nothing thanks to a lot of those policies implemented since 1965, did not benefit Artur directly.
Sure, they let black people from South Alabama like him vote, not starve to death and get a basic education like every American should be able to receive—but they didn’t get him elected as governor of Alabama.
And he wanted that really, really bad.
And his feelings got hurt when he lost.
Therefore, it is clear those policies have failed. And Artur has canvas-bagged his way up north to win over a bunch of people who can still hope that he might some day actually kinda sorta deliver on all that promise he supposedly has.
So when Artur Davis is back to keeping a seat warm in Congress and gets trotted back out again as “someone to watch” and such, I want you to keep something in mind when you meanies are calling him the cheapest and most pathetic political sellout that Alabama has produced since George Wallace promised that he wouldn’t get “out-niggered” anymore.
Artur Davis is the political whore of tomorrow.
And it’s not his fault that you wanted something more than a self-centered engine of empty promise to run your state.
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.
