Every Monday at Reran Tragedy, Editor-in-Chief Cal Alabaster Jr. draws on his considerable experience in Southern politics to round up news, notes, and blatantly pasted-in press releases that readers may have otherwise missed.
A debate raged throughout the state this week as to whether Alabama football coach Nick Saban‘s daughter Kristen should be tried — and possibly executed — for war crimes for beating the living fat crap out of a sorority sister who made fun of her and posted something mean about her on Facebook.
In a civil complaint, Kristen Saban’s University of Alabama Phi Mu sorority sister Sarah Grimes alleges that Saban last year savagely beat Grimes for making fun of Saban after a night of drinking illegally at bars and playing the drinking game “Power Hour.” The complaint says that Saban broke Grimes’ nose and inflicting other injuries—physical and psychological—upon her.
The violent incident has some Alabamians calling for Kristen Saban to be charged with “war crimes.”
“This type of despicable friendly fire incident against one’s comrade-in-group-you-pay-to-have-automatic-friends-in-college is the type of thing that most people are executed for. And I don’t think it’s inappropriate to compare this to the Fort Hood shooting,” said Terry Clemmons, 36, of Hueytown, as he drank a beer wrapped in an Auburn University coozie. “You don’t beat up a sorority sister like that just because they wrote ‘Everybody hates Kristen! Yaaaaay!’ on Facebook. That’s dishonorable, and we shouldn’t make an exception just because she’s the daughter of some sort of overpaid piece of illegally won national championship trash that cheats in recruitin’.
“Our state doesn’t need another black eye just because she gave her friend one.”
“If he weren’t none damn Commie queer, [President] Obama woulda done give her a goddamn medal of honor for whippin’ that Auburn sleeper agent bitch’s ass and makin’ her daddy proud,” said Ken Holland, 35, in the office of his body shop in Moulton, where he has a framed “got saban?” T-shirt signed by one of the people who patted Saban’s back as he arrived at the Tuscaloosa airport in 2007.
“Shit, of course she had to break that bitch’s nose,” he said. “It was the only way to smash the chip in her nasal septanium [sic] that controlled the suicide bomb that she planned on what settin’ off in Bryant-Denny Stadium. She saved non-Auburn’s people’s lives!
“Kristen’s a goddamn hero. Roll Damn Tide!”
But the divide continued.
“You don’t let a dangerous animal like Kristen Saban run wild — you put her down,” said Karen Jepps, 41, of Huntsville as she attached a tiger tail to her Auburn-sticker clad, orange Ford Explorer. “Read that lawsuit. She beat that girl in the face despite her havin’ ‘really bad migraines’ from a car wreck. That girl was beat up so bad that she has night terrors about another another teeny sorority girl coming at her and makin’ her die of concussion syndrome like those prisoners in the NFL.
“And worst of all, Kristen Saban disrespected the sacred bond of Power Hour. They need to put her down. Now.”
And yet the debate went on.
“Sometimes you just gotta kick people’s ass,” said Mike Harris, 22, while filling up his Camaro at a gas station in Trussville. “She learned that from her Daddy. And Lord knows that evil bitch she whooped was just workin’ with Auburn to steal more recruits from us with their trees full of money.
“Also, and most importantly of all, Auburn fans are a buncha queers.”
He then added, “42-14! RTR!” and drove off while screaming “Woooooooooooo!”
Meanwhile, Alabama’s political leaders are perilously close to obliterating the quality of medical care in the state because they left the hard choices in state government up to an off-date referendum in September.
Weekend headlines from Alabama papers
The Birmingham News: “Alabama Republicans trying to determine which shed to take Bentley behind”
Mobile Press-Register: “AIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRBUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSS! Oh baby!”
Montgomery Advertiser: “Seriously, Mobile: Stop masturbating. We didn’t do that when we got Hyundai. Much”
The Huntsville Times: “Huntsville students to get laptops despite lack of Christian camo finish”
The Daily Mountain Eagle: “Planned Parenthood hopes to stop all unwanted pregnancies in Walker County by simply closing the parking lot under the Wallace bridge”
Also The Daily Mountain Eagle: “Butterbean opening his own memorabilia store. You can buy old championship belts and even his most recent power bill for just $200.”
This week in Alabama history
Days after walking out of the National Democratic Convention Philadelphia because the Democratic Party dared to stand for civil rights, anti-integration Alabama Democrats who split off into the “Dixiecrats” held their own national convention in Birmingham and nominated Strom Thurmond as their presidential candidate.
Thus continued the state’s long tradition of being the gathering place for immature assholes who refuse to do what’s right.
Roll Damn Tide.
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com