Every Monday at Reran Tragedy, Editor-in-Chief Cal Alabaster Jr. draws on his considerable experience in Southern politics to round up news, notes, and blatantly pasted-in press releases that readers may have otherwise missed.
Northern online media outlets last week reacted to the news about a fringe white power Christian group holding a whites-only rally in the small town of Winfield as further confirmation that Alabama is a place that lacks electricity, where slavery still persists, and generally weird things happen.
Last week, a Christian organization labeled a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center held an event in the tiny West Alabama town of Winfield, inviting only “all white Christians” to attend.
During a slow news week caused by the Fourth of July holiday, the news of a bunch of random racists in middle-of-nowhere Alabama was welcome nourishment for the North’s influential liberal mock-and-moan online media.
“They should let some Jews in to this whites-only rally in Wendlefield [sic]. It would give the chickens someone else less barefoot to have sex with while they vote for [infamous Louisiana Gov.] Huey Long again and do Confederate Mormon stuff that bans Mexicans from all their Bob Evanses,” reads a post from the still-around political humor blog Wonkette. “And I mean maybe Mitt Romney can come down for some cheesy racism himself on his way to visiting [disgraced former South Carolina Gov.] Mark Sanford at the Appalachian Trial. Plus, they should really invite some Jews because funny New York yiddish things.”
“[Additional type of off-color political joke that hasn't been funny, well done or relevant since Ana Marie Cox stopped writing Wonkette several years ago.]”
“This shows everything wrong about what happens every day in the South,” wrote a blogger on the liberal online pointless whining community Daily Kos. “This type of deplorable racism and even more deplorable Christianity is what happens men are allowed to walk around topless in Alabama’s segregated pig pens and Memphis blues clubs but women are not. As I’ve been writing since grad school, the only way we can stop this sort of intolerance is for women to be allowed to walk around topless wherever and whenever they want — and dance. They should especially be allowed to dance! I don’t see why the South doesn’t get this! This is a defining moment! This is the light that will finally let poor, aging Helen Keller see as she undoes her bra!
“Let every strip club be a beacon of hope for tomorrow!”
Alabamians let out a wearied sigh to seeing more media coverage that uses the fringe of the state to define the whole.
“It’s really silly to think that we’re all members of the Klan or something down here,” said Dr. Kerry Tripp, an orthopedic surgeon who lives in Shelby County. “It’s not like we got burnin’ crosses in all our front yards. We may be country, but we’re not that dumb.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to make sure I have a three-mile white family buffer zone between my house and the Mexicans in Hoover.”
Bentley fails to sell Alabama’s sick poor people to French industrialists
Failed Alabama Education Association attempt to make a workable Republican voodoo doll and Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley visited France last week to utterly fail to stir up more foreign business after aircraft manufacturer AirBus finally took the state’s several million dollars in tax incentives in order to build planes in Mobile.
Unfortunately, sources say that Bentley was unsuccessful in trying to sell Alabama’s impoverished ill in advance to his having to finally lead like a grownup after Alabamians surely vote against their own interests and murder the state’s Medicaid budget in September.
“I have some top people who tell me that sick old people might be really good insulation for one of your new airplanes. Building something off of our weakest, I tell you, that’s an Alabama solution right there,” Bentley told horrified AirBus officials.
“And I tell you, you can be a real job creator if you just deregulate and use sick kids whose parents can’t afford health care’s tears as jet fuel or lubricant,” Bentley went on, despite accompanying state officials’ increased mortification around him. “And don’t let anybody tell you you can’t use poor sick kids’ tears as lubricant and not be happy. I can tell you from personal experience that a lot of companies use poor sick kids’ tears as lubricant and they are real, real happy.
“Shoot, how do you think we got ThyssenKrupp in Mobile County?”
Top Alabama Republican officials, however, said that they “really appreciate the Governor’s general attempt at not shitting himself in public all the time.
“It’s not like he’s asked the Chinese to pay to use [bankrupt] Jefferson County as a rabid mutant soldier testing ground this week,” an Alabama GOP official said.
Weekend Alabama newspaper headlines
The Birmingham News: “State officials discover that highly intelligent squirrels have been running many Birmingham city classrooms”
The Huntsville Times: “Oh yeah, well… Boeing! Rocket!”
Mobile Press-Register: “AIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”
Montgomery Advertiser: “Neighboring counties ask the Mobile area to stop masturbating so loudly and violently over Airbus announcement”
The Daily Mountain Eagle: ”Bama Dragway to host annual Barefoot Races. Sipsey woman training to win Knocked-Up Division for 4th straight year.”
This week in Alabama history
A year into statehood, Alabama saw its first of many leadership tragedies when first Gov. William Wyatt Bibb died in a riding accident on July 10, 1820.
State historians refer to it as “Alabama’s first of many, many fatal muddin’ accidents.”
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at email@example.com.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com