by Leeds Alabaster
The heart of the Birmingham area lies not in Birmingham itself, but in the vibrant and unique homogeneous suburbs that lie around its edges. Every other week, Reran Tragedy Deputy Intern Leeds Alabaster rounds up news and issues driving the public conversation in Central Alabama’s Better Country.
MOUNTAIN BROOK — A Mountain Brook couple has split up after a late June afternoon of playing with fireworks with their son went deeply wrong.
Last Sunday, Dr. Collin Atwarter, 34, a dermatologist, showed off to his son, Pride Lee, 4, the Roman candles he planned to illegally fire off on Independence Day when the curious boy wandered up to the firework and was hit in the chest with one of its bursts.
The boy was uninjured; however, something else was irrevocably damaged in the incident, leaving his mother, Stephanie, 29, originally from Hoover, deeply frightened and furious with her husband.
“Oh my God! Pride Lee’s Ralph Lauren Boys Classic Fit Tipped-Collarr Polo! It’s singed!” Stephanie shouted at her husband as a giddy Pride Lee got up, yelled “Awesome!” and ran off to play with the couple’s golden retriever, also named Pride Lee. “Collin! How the hell could you be so goddamned stupid?!
“You could have caught his Brooks Brothers’ linen shorts on fire! How could I hold him and have him match my sundresses from Saks Fifth Avenue at outdoor events in the late spring and summer?! I don’t even know who you are anymore!”
“Oh go to hell!” Collin shouted back at his wife, leaving her even more shocked. “I just wanted to teach my son that he should follow the law except when he wants to see stuff explode! How was I to know his clothes would get hurt?!
“Stop blaming me for everything bad that happens to Ralph Lauren tipped-collar polos in this family!”
As the argument pressed on, deep fissures in the couple’s marriage became very clear.
“I know what this really about!” Stephanie yelled. “You did this deliberately just because my mother bought that Ralph Lauren Boys Classic Fit Tipped-Collar Polo for Pride Lee at the Belk at the Galleria!”
“Oh yeah?!” Collin shouted back. “Maybe I was raised in a place [Mountain Brook] that knows that good and smart-looking people always shop at The Summit instead of enduring lesser quality brands at the Galleria just because they don’t want to walk around outside like some lazy and cheap Hoov-Whore!”
Stephanie gasped. Heartbroken tears began to stream down her face.
“It gets hot!” she bawled. “And you don’t have to drive from store to store!”
Stephanie then gathered up Pride Lee into the couple’s Honda Pilot and drove to her mother’s home in Hoover. The couple began taking the legal steps toward their divorce on Wednesday.
Neighbors said they are not surprised by the development, as cracks had quietly snaked through their relationship’s foundation for a long time.
Said one neighbor: “It’s sad all the lies he told her. [Collin] claimed that he bought his brown dress loafers at the Johnston & Murphy in the Galleria, but we saw him buying them at the Brooks Brothers at The Summit.
“It’s things like that that makes me wonder how anyone can ever trust anyone enough to get married anymore.”
Spicy Birmingham Suburbs July 4 Dining Out Guide!
Tired of your normal Fourth of July burgers and barbecue?
Take heart, Birmingham suburbanites. There are unique local tastes that speak deeply to the character of the Birmingham suburbs that you’ve never tried for Independence Day before.
Here’s the top three recommendations voted on by your fellow suburbanites in the Birmingham southern suburbs (or “BoSos”) and the Birmingham northern suburbs (“BoNos”) for how you can take a different kind of perfectly toothed bite out of America’s favorite midsummer non-Christmas holiday.
Moe’s Southwest Grill
“Being a true American, I can say that nothing makes me feel more like an American than eating the hell out of a gigantic burrito.”
“I think Moe’s is great for Fourth of July because they are like a melting pot of authentic flavors. It’s really great how they bring in true Spanish cuisine like their Buffalo chicken burrito. Oh, forgive me — El Buffalo chicken burrito.”
“They say ‘Welcome to Moe’s!’ whenever I walk in. I’m glad someone else realizes that me eating a quesadilla is important to the history of mankind!”
“Their pop culture menu referencing things that used to be relevant 10 years ago makes me proud to be an Alabama Democrat.”
“Their nachos are so rich and have so much more on them than they need, it’s like they don’t care about the health of you and anyone else. Having spent my whole life in the Birmingham suburbs, nothing says America more to me than that.”
Qdoba Mexican Grill
“Like America, there’s a lot of nuance to Qdoba. I can get a queso burrito with steak or chicken. That’s freedom right there.”
“Finally, some authentic and unique Mexican food that you can also get prepared the exact same way in Tuscaloosa.”
“Saying their name makes me feel like a real Mexican without having to worry about keeping papers on me all the time.”
“They have a lot of healthy options for when I’m eating lots and lots of three-cheese queso with my large Fanta.”
Chipotle Mexican Grill
“They’re owned by McDonald’s and probably the only reason that Mickey D’s hasn’t tossed a bunch of burritos and things on their menu. They’re preserving America. God bless them”
“Every time I visit a bigger city in another state everybody’s always eating there. That shows how great America is, because no matter who we are or what we do or where we live, the same people are eating the same predictable burrito for lunch. God bless this place.”
“South Park poop joke. Hee hee.”
“Whenever I’m eating one of their burrito bowls, I appreciate that they care enough about Americans’ weight problem to offer a healthier but not less delicious option. Mmmmm. Salty!”
“It’s real Mexican food without the Mexicans. Thank God.”
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com