Welcome to al.commentary, the piece where we curate the vile, bigoted crap Advance Publications allows mostly anonymous commenters to post on news stories that scares people from visiting and living in our lovely state and shames the work of the hardworking, award-winning journalists it has largely laid off. The hope is they will switch to Facebook comments or something to really clean things up a bit. They won’t. But here we are.

For the unfamiliar, al.com is a website operated by Advance Publications, a media company that owns Alabama’s biggest newspapers. These are storied publications that have been nominated for and even won the Pulitzer Prize, and they have long been the benchmark for quality journalism in the state of Alabama. And Advance also owns The Huntsville Times.

al.com is where Advance publishes its newspapers’ stories online. Because they allow fairly anonymous commenting, they have attracted by far the most rabidly crazy and offensive talkbacks in the state. As such, it’s a daily stain on the image of the state.

So, despite al.com admins’ assertions, the site’s new Realtime Racism commenting system hasn’t yet resulted in al.commenters magically not being so damn racist, as you’ll see below. 

Oh, and al.COMMENTARY will take a break next week for the Fourth of July holiday. Not so much because of the holiday, but because I’d like a week off from reading racists and assholes rant like assholes and racists at the feet of good reporting.

But today, we learn why being gay is equatable to urinating in public, whether the president has the education and talent to be Antichrist, how Cam Newton survived the Holocaust, and precisely how full of crap the claims that the al.commenters will stop being racist because of the new comment system really were.

Enjoy.

Though you shouldn’t.

Good Lord, how you shouldn’t.

Some horrible people debate if President Obama is the Antichrist.

This story about President Obama saying that he sees himself and his kids when he looks at certain young illegal immigrants is  an explicit references to people on welfare and an Alabama-Auburn tie-in from being the perfect storm of offensive al.comment producing threads.

And yet, despite its conceptual “flaws,” amazing still happens here.

For this comment by idriveaz71 is epic in its weird stupidity.

When you see Obama you are looking at a resemblance of the Anti-Christ. No, he is not the Anti-Christ but the people of the world will look at the Anti-Christ just like the people of the US did before the election. Great personality, Speaker and makes you think you could jump over a house backwards. Believe in hope and change and we will make this country the land of milk and honey. People will be blinded as to what the real agenda is. As of right now 46% of the people here in the US are on some kind of Government assistance. When the number hits over 50%, where is the money going to come from? Everybody gripes about the rich people. Think about this. How many times have you seen a poor man give someone a job? I say let the rich man make money just elect someone in Montgomery or Washington with balls enough to say, Mr. Rich Man you are going to pay a flat tax where everybody is equal. Let everybody pay a flat tax. If you don’t make very much, you don’t pay very much. Take away the taxes from the Grocery store and Medicine. If someone is drawing food stamps and sitting on their fat butts, get something for them to do if they are able to go to bingo halls stay all day, or anywhere else for that matter, get something for them to do. It would help them with their feelings toward themselves and help the country out too. I could go on and on, but like nobody listens. It’s probably a good thing for millions that I am not a dictator.

“OBAMA IS THE SON OF SATAN AND EVIL INCARANATE FLAT TAX IT’S A GOOD THING I’M NOT A DICTATOR ID PROBABLY KILL PEOPLE NO ONE LISTENS TO ME!!!!”

But it provoked an interesting conversation.

AlphaRaptor

Looks like the “antichrist” to me, wait, he IS the ANTICHRIST!!

Yet, 07071966 was not convinced.

He’s anti alright, anti smart, anti patriotic, anti honest, anti a lot of things but he doesn’t have the brains to be the anti christ

“I REALLY EPXECT THAT ANTICHIRST TO BE A BETTER ADMINISTRATOR AND LES INTO KEYNESISAN ECONOMICS, TO TELL TRUTH.”

I do a cartoon in PhotoShop for these columns every week, and here is where you’d expect me to do some sort of photo of Obama as the Antichrist raining down illegal immigrants to take jobs and vote illegally or whatever scared white people in Alabama don’t like.

But quite frankly, I think this picture will do for now.

Yep, al.commentariat, he's still president. And he likes Hispanic people.

Birther lightning round!

Kerry McCormick

Good grief, 1st it was “if I had a son, he would look like Trayvon Martin” now it’s “I see my kids” referring to the children of illegal immigrants. Maybe he’s trying to tell us something and he doesn’t even realize it….like ‘hey, I’m an illegal immigrant too!’. Tell you what Obama, why don’t you just adopt all 1.4 million of these kids, and take them back to Kenya with you where you were actually born?

07071966

First it was Trayvon, “if I had a son”, now it’s I see my daughters, and my nieces, and my nephews.”. What a load of bull.

And – “When I meet these young people, all throughout communities, I see myself.” So what is it that you see of yourself in an illegal immigrant? Hmmm, Can we see that birth certificate again please.

libertarian4

“When I meet these young people, all throughout communities, I see myself”

Good grief. Democrats really know ow to pander. Actually, he can relate to them, because he was born outside the United States too.

Weird bigot lightning round!

El Jefe

What about Zimmerman? He’s Latino and German….not far off from Kenyan and Irish. When I see latinos, I see Zimmmerman, doing what’s right protecting his neighborhood and home, and his family, and ultimately himself. Real American values right there.

johnnyc

Well, if he is not to tired, maybe he could address the economy to the legal heterosexual American taxpayers.

“IMMA NOT GAY CITIZEN HURRRR!”

gftempleton

He can’t get citizens to vote for him so he manipulates the system to import voters from other countries. I thought he hated outsourcing.

footbrawl

Col, I’d rather be bigoted and KNOW God than to be an ignorant, liberal, $hi+ for brains athiest.

rick2000

Exactly. Obama knows that the Hispanic population has become the largest minority group in this country in the matter of decade no less. He knows he has the black sheeple vote. Now to make his play for the Hispanic vote. I can almost hear the speech now. “If I had a son, he would look like this illegal Hispanic kid who is leeching off the public dollar.”

And now, this comment from 14XNC, which I cannot even begin to explain.

The liberals are like hippies: Cool to look at; fun to watch; but in terms of ideology and practical intelligence and advancing society for the common good, NOT so much. The arts maybe. Law and order and a better world, No. It’s easy to sit back and talk, protest and spout how it ought to be. The end of the hippy movement – the legacy – was some really good music (arts), some really BAD movies; and a drug culture that takes the lives of the supply chain soldiers everyday, mostly latinos and blacks, and is a plague on our society that takes our loved ones who abuse drugs; and whose black market economy just happens to go untaxed in amounts estimated to equal the budget deficits each year, hence a cuulative amount equal to teh national debt. Thanks liberals for turning us on to your enlightened ways of thinking. Let’s all move to a commune and share the wealth. (Then after a brief period, start sleeping around with each others wives and husbands and start the quick slide.)

I know I cannot wait until I’m f—ing someone else’s wife!

F— your stupid f—ing geese.

I’m known for bitterly hating that many Americans’ have a kneejerk disdain for, say, poor black children yet loudly protest any time a damned animal they think is even mildly cute is slightly comfortable. And if you didn’t know that this was a thing of mine, please go and reread the darkest thing I have ever written ever.

Enter this week’s story about the Birmingham-Shuttlesworth Airport killing some geese to keep them from flying into airplanes and killing people.

AlphaRaptor, somehow, preemptively earns our al.COMMENTARY Utterly and Completely Offensive and Stupid Reference to the Holocaust of the Week. And when you read the second Holocaust reference I curated and take in its epic stupidity, that might astound you.

Again, this is over some f—ing geese that could fly into planes and kill people.

The next thing you know they will be rounding up people for extermination, there was one country that did that very same thing not too many years ago we all know of…….

And to show AlphaRaptor lacks any irony whatsoever, here’s a later comment.

Eastlake Park gas been there for as long as the airport has and the geese have been landing there all that time and not one plane crash because of them, why now they’re all so concerned? It sounds like BS to me. I think they should just fill in that thug magnet lake park like they were gonna do in the first place when they were expanding the runways, the big simian animals, not the avian, are the ones that are the problem there anyway.

“WE SHOULD GET RID OF ALL THE BLACKS INSTEAD! GEESE HOLOCAUSTERS!”

odd1in

Exterminate the birds, but leave the crime intact. Brilliant.

“HOW COME U KILL BIRDS BUT DON’T FIX ALL INCURABLE SOCIAL ILS? ASSHOLES!”

Tanker74, meanwhile, wants all of organized society to shut down over some f—ing geese in a park.

The geese were here first. We don’t need polluting, noisy airplanes. We should have trains or something green to ride around in. These graceful, winged beautiful creatures are our brothers and sisters.

“I STOPPED DRIVIN A CAR BECAUSE I SAW A DOG GOT HIT BY ONE NOW I HITCHIKE UP I-65 TO WORK LOOK AT ME AND GIVE ME A F—ING AWARD SAVE THE TURTLES YOU TURTLE RAPIST!”

Jennifer Osgood‘s comment is… well…

what is wrong with ducks they dont do anything u people and sometimes there ur dinner and sometimes u sleep on then or under them to keep u warm, but i think there pretty and intresting next think u know there going to be on the endanger species list then what u going to do, ur going to take out east lake u might well take the fish out too and they sure didnt do anything

They sure didn’t, honey.

Bigotry that raises questions — about who the hell the bigot is trying to be bigoted toward.

Last week, Jeff Sessions, in unlikely Jeff Sessions’ fashion, acknowledged that there is a huge rural Alabama AIDS problem of which we are just now getting a handle.

More puzzling, however, was this comment from bartley7. I invite those in our comments to explain what the hell he means.

I dont understand Jeff. He was raised in rural South Alabama and should know the reason it it higher there than other places. Look who lives there. Look at their life style. Think Jeff and then, keep your mouth shut.

So, my initial reaction, which I posted on Twitter, was that this was saying that Jeff Sessions shouldn’t care about AIDS sufferers in South Alabama because of black people. Maybe that was my first read because everything north of the coast and south of Montgomery I think of as Monroeville, and I dream of the day in which Harper Lee will release her secret “To Kill a Mockingbird” sequel about AIDS reaching small-town Alabama in the 1980s.

(That last clause was originally intended to be funny, but it came off as wistful instead. For those who cannot relate enough to get that, just trust me that being literary in this state does weird shit to you.)

But then unlike bartley7, I thought about the offensive stuff he posted. If you took out South Alabama and the rant about people who live there, it would read like a standard issue attack on gay people.

Of course, I don’t really know what you are supposed to be keyed onto as a bigot when you invoke “you know who lives in South Alabama.” Please, in the comments, someone tell me what this dumb asshole is talking about. I haven’t the faintest goddamned idea.

Also, this asshole is an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, divanette…

New cases? Making it sound as if the south is a breading ground for HIV but I know these statistics probably do not take in consideration the number of people relocating to the south.

“ITS ALL DEM YANKEEES COMIN DOWN AND GIVIN US THEYRE AIDS! WE AINT RESPONSIBLE FOR A F—ING THING EVRE DOWN HERE!”

But the confusing bigotry was not limited to that thread.

Last week, the Southern Baptist Convention elected its first black president.

Look, you know where this is going.

And yet, I have no idea what the hell idriveaz71 is talking about.

The next Pope will be black. “Peter the Roman” will be his name. It’s coming!!! Count on it.

‘Kay.

But then idriveaz71 returns to really crank up the racism.

My baptist church will have one less member.

“I DNO’T WANT THE BLACKNESS INFECTIN MY JESUS WITH LOVIN EVERYBODY REAGRDLESS!”

ohnevermind‘s bigoted ass, though … no idea.

 My Baptist chuch left the five points west area to move to Hoover. Next decade, they prob will allow a gay deacon

“ALL TEH GAY BAPTISTS LIVE IN HOOVER!”

Coincidentally, that is the name of my new independent romantic comedy that will debuting at the next Sidewalk Festival.

People who are stupid like Harvey Updyke say things that are stupid about Harvey Updyke.

So alleged tree-killing Bama fan Harvey Updyke was supposed to have a trial last week, then he confessed to a student newspaper reporter and — oh, who gives a shit?

Here’s what dumbasses said to each other online about it, starting with plt4bama‘s pretty f—ing stupid excuse for Updyke.

Weren’t the trees already half dead because of all the rolling and removing of TP? Let him go! He is just old and embarassing and he’s got too much Bama in him! …

And then kastnna offers a pretty f—ing dumb response. I edited out the part that is not funny stupid.

Yes, but you could say the same thing about most people over the age of 70. Can’t just go around killing them either.

“WE PRESSURE WASH OUR ELDERLY AND ROLL THEM IN TOILET PAPER ALL THE TIME WAR DAMN EAGLE!”

At some point, someone said something about Cam Newton and the NCAA inquiry into his eligibility, and hoovereagle‘s response earns our al.COMMENTARY Alabama-Auburn Fan With No Sense of Class, Maturity or Reality of the Week.

The guy you and your ilk can’t seem to get out of your heads. Kinda like Hitler with the Jews.

“THIS EVEN WORSE THEN WHNE NCAA GASESD THE 1992 AUBURN TEAM IN TEH SHOWERS WAR DAMN EAGLE!”

‘FERN STUFF IS CCONFUSIN TO ME!’

There was a story in the Press-Register this week about the Occupy Movement in Mobile — for all three of you who cared.

But it produced a comment by bpin that crowns him the first al.COMMENTARY Person Who Equates Everything Outside of the Country as the Same Thing Because S/He is a Jackass of the Week.

These folks are just not happy here. I am sure they would all be better off if they moved to a much more progressive country that would cater to their needs. Maybe Greece or France. Maybe Iran. Possibly Egypt. Or better yet Syria. It is ashame they live in a horrible country that does not cater to them.

“THESE DEMOCRACIES WITH ECONOMIC STRIFE ARE JUST LIKE THESE HERE DICTATORSSSHIPS WHERE PEOLE ARE MURDERERED REBULARALY BECAUSE THEY AINT SALABAMAS!”

War of the Black People with Authority Who Threaten White People Who Post on the Internet.

So, “Fast & Furious.” Congress things happened. And al.commenters’ crazed conservative fringe and the liberals who have the free time to argue with them for some reason went on a while about it.

This section, compared to, you know, previous calls for all black men to be castrated, is relatively less outrageous—unless you have a sophisticated knowledge of how government and, really, the world works.

So yeah, it drove me batshit.

Here’s some BS from IspeakNOBS.

And that thing about this not being as outrageous as the castration posts a couple weeks back?

I lied.

Emphasis added.

I do not like Eric Holder. He scares me and I think if he could he would take over and form a dictatorship. He picks and chooses which laws to enforce and who to go after and who to not go after. One group offers a 10k award for Zimmerman dead or alive and he does nothing, but they go after a sheriff out west for maybe mistreating some prisoners, but hide behind a plan that led to death. Black panthers intimidated voters in New Jersey, but he went after a man for wearing a uniform that looked similar to the Border patrol uniform near a voting place in California. Eric Holder is an enemy of the people of the US and only enforces his agenda and the law does not matter. I wonder if I offered 10,000 dollars for his head dead or alive if he would enforce that? Thank goodness I am not offering that.

“ITS ALMOST LIKE THE DOPOOPTMENT JUSTICE IS A HUGE FEDRAL AGENCY WIT DIFFERENT PEOPLE MAKIN’ DECISONS AND THE ATTORNY GENERAL NOT MAKIN’ ALL THE CALLS BECASE ITS IMPOSSIBLE! SOMEONE SHOULD SHOOT HIS FACE THOUGH IM NOT REALLY OFFERIN THAT EXCEPT I AM LOL.”

Meanwhile, macsheart really doesn’t understand a damn thing. And that’s my euphemistic way of describing him.

You are dead on. Only thing I see is who wants to be the dictator most? Obama or Holder?

I am afraid of what it may come to if Obama is reelected. It could get ugly before it’s over with.

What do they mean by ugly?

Of course, that is wildly inaccurate. In your typical racist-assed al.commenter’s imagination, Mexican Luke is actually Trayvon Martin. Also: “AL AND JESSE!”

Meanwhile, this exchange delighted me to no end.

cooly_high‘s post has been edited down to focus on a certain point.

Political gamesmanship at it’s finest. Republicans jumping up and down about 1000 guns being lost in Mexico, but it’s 395754834634577634785638656 guns lost in this country on a consistent basis that are used in crimes everyday.

And emphasis added to ericole.

That’s an extremely large number and I wonder if that many guns have ever even been made in the world. Regardless, I’m sure that many haven’t gone lost in this country. It’s one thing to uphold a citizen’s right to own and bear arms, since it’s in our founding governmental documents (hello Eric Holder, your job), but it’s another to try and let guns go to Mexico for the explicit purpose of showing how guns are being used to kill people and then want to use that info to enact stricter gun laws. That would then be used to impede upon our Constitutional rights in the name of “safety.” This is very cut and dry, but depending on what media you read/listen to you will think it’s complicated.

“YORU EXAGGERETED # IS TOO HI TO BE REALF LIKE THE MEDIA I REED THAT TELLS ME EVERYTHIGN IN GOVERNMINT IS A GODDAM CONSPAIRACY!”

And finally,  Mary Waltman provides us with some stimulating election trend diagnosis.

Well, let’s see…..he has obtained the gay votes, the hispanic(legal and illegal) and now the will have all the gun runners…OK ..shoe-in for re-election.

I did read on POLITICO that the gun-runner vote could very well turn out to be like the soccer moms of 1996.

Poor people destroy everything.

Last week, The Birmingham News reported on a program in Hoover that would trade textbooks on textbooks for textbooks on electronic tablets to save overhead costs.

Naturally, the al.commenters had concerns with this semblance of progress because of its mortal sin of being new and different.

Especially the ironically named humanrespect.

This technology has the power to level the playing field giving at-risk and disadvantaged students access to the finest teaching materials. I am all for it as long as we dont start seeing the devices dismantled and dismembered by others in poverty stricken families who will take any opportunity to destroy opportunity.

Yeah, f— those poor people and their refusal to not want to be poor.

bamajim1, however, objects to the concept of the future in general.

Will we ever be able to stop the madness,we can’t add two and two but we can text,play video games and use all types of cell phones by the time we go to daycare! (DAYCARE) (BABYSITTING SERVICE) The next time you have the chance, just listen to the conversation between two young newly college grads.

Does the raise of “HOME SCHOOLING” surprise you ??

Not if your f—ing illiterate ass went to public school.

Meanwhile, as Robert Bentley grasped to know what the hell is going on inside his own damn head when it comes to not screwing Medicaid to death in Alabama, al.commenters found other ways that poor people are just really the blame for everything because they are different from the al.commenters, the not-poor.

catoyounger

And all Democrats know is blaming white people and paying poor people to be poor. Our cities full of criminal predators as a direct result of Democrat policies. As for tax breaks, you should look at your own party. Big Government and Big Business go hand in hand – all the politicians know it but the Democrats just propagandize to make their useful idiot followers energized.

Yeah, I’m really tired of the criminal predators in Northport who hunt other people down for sport and rape too.

Goddamn Northport. With the arts and crafts.

And rape.

SILLYYOU doubts that there are that many poor people who might be sick. Unfortunate emphasis added.

I would think that 900,000 people on Medicaid is a bit much! And, frankly, it is not real important to me or to any TAXPAYER in this state what happens to this trash. To imprison an individual for a minor drug charge is totally stupid. Cut’em off; let’em go and save some $! I will certainly vote “NO” on the referendum and I hope the newly elected legislators will have a very short tenure in Montgomery.

“I DNOT CARE IF WE LOET IMPOVERISHED SCIK PEOPLE DIE WITHOUT MEDICAL CARE! THEY AINT UBNRN WHITE BABIES OR PEOPLE IN PRISON FOR SELLIN POT!”

Meanwhile, this is not fat and poor related, but I thought this post on a story about Charles Barkley and Weight Watchers was too weird and funny not to post.

Leviticus 20:13. Emphasis added.

An increase in activity means an increase in hunger. While exercise is good for the body, it’s not very helpful in losing weight. You need to learn to eat right. You can thank our Federal Government for paying farmers to grow things that are unhealthy, like corn and wheat. They pay farmers to grow it and then teach people it’s healthy to eat. And then we have an obesity problem. Duh. Our country would be so much better if Progressives would leave state rights alone. Instead Progressives want to control everyone’s life through a massive federal government (which is unconstitutional).

Yeah, I gotta lay off the whole grains in my diet. Totes unhealthy.

(YES, CORN SUGAR AND CORN SUBSIDIES AND WHAT NOT. But I don’t think this is what this guy is talking about.)

But back to that story and why poor people are the fat devil, starting with this post by DonaldDunlap that had me in the thrall of its dumb old man life-illiterate bitchiness from, “For the younger fat individuals”…

Step 1. For the younger fat individuals, take away their gadgets and tell them to get off their fat A**** and go outside and play or get involved with a summer little league baseball team.

Step 2. Take the TV and the gadgets away from adults. Get them to walking, working in their yard or help their neighbor in their yard work.

Step 3. Set a time limit on welfare support and then they have to get a job.

Bottom line…..Between the gadgets and the government checks, there is no way they will ever lose weight.

Indeed, all fat people are 1) lazy, 2) poor enough to be on welfare and 3) have somehow acquired iPads and shit. This is a totally sane and realistic view of the world. It is also frighteningly prevalent among the al.commentariat.

Things, however, took a real turn on a story about a group that claims that 500 people died in Alabama recently because they did not have access to health care that could have saved them due to their not being able to afford health insurance.

foghorn1 does not understand the difference between people who die because they don’t have something and people who die in spite of them having something. He was not alone in this sentiment among the al.commentariat, unfortunately.

How many died that HAD insurance? I have had many family members that had insurance and yet they still died. This is bs.

“I THOUGHT HEALTH INSURANCE WAS SUPOSED TO BE SOME SORTA DEATH IMMUNITY CARD! YOU KNOW, LIKE GET OUTTA JOIL ON THE MONOPOLIES!”

Leviticus20:13 had a prolific week in being a terrible human being.

It’s amazing that people will spend 600 a month on a car but think 200 a month is too much for health insurance.

Now pay close attention, this is real important. If I said I had kidnapped your child and wanted 10,000 or I would kill the child, would you say, “oh that’s too much money. Let them die”, or would you come up with the money. If I knew spending 10k would mean the difference between life or death, I would spend 10k. But the liberal idiots have been brainwashed into thinking that someone else should pay for their health care and they are willing to DIE before paying for their own health care.

“YOU WOULDNT BE SO HELPLESS IF I KDINAPPED YOUR CHILD AND TRIED TO MURDER THEM!”

Oh, but he gets worse. Here’s an exchange.

Creole C.

So time alive and quality of life while of life while alive mean little to you I take it. Let poor premature babies die then?

Leviticus20:13

no, kill them like Obama wants.

And yet, Leviticus20:13 gets worse when he responds to a person who described a (supposed) Republican friend who died after not getting melanoma checked because of fear he would not afford it due to a lack of health insurance.

” rather than spend the outrageous money to have that mole handled without insurance” What a load of crap. What would it cost him? 100? 200? He was cheap and lazy.

“YUR FRIEND WHO SUFFERED FROM CANCER WAS LAZY! WHYD HE LET SOMETHIN SLOWLY KILL HIM LIKE THAT! HE COULDA MOVED! IT AINT NO BEAR!”

In slightly less horrible people on the internet, Minner Bucket has no irony whatsoever.

Health care is a privilege not a right. It is for the people who can afford it. You libs need to read a book on Darwinism.

“YALL LIBS AINT UP ON THE EVOLUTION ENOUGH BECAUSE YOU WORKIN SO HARD AGIANST PUTTIN CREATIONISMS IN SCHOOL WHERE IT BELONG!”

alltoknow made this comment to someone who says they are a Gulf War vet. Unfortunate emphasis added.

why don’t you give up your cig.and booze,,,maybe give up your tickets to the ball games downtown,,,could give up some of your driving and your bingo games,,how about some of your snacks and “burger in a hurry”, and your cell phone,,,,never mind that free too….how about your computer and internet service,or is that free also….how about your cable service,,( might be free also).. how about ….btw…which side was you on in 1991 ??????

“YOU SOUND LIB SO YOU FOUGHT FOR SODDAM CAUSE HE WAS A LIB ALL FOR WOMENS RIGHTS AND SHIT TOO! SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!!!!!!”

whatnow, though, earns our al.COMMENTARY Ultimate Troll Dick Moment of the Week to another commenter who mentioned that his wife also works.

It’s a shame your wife has to work because you can’t support your wife.

“UP TOP. AM I RIGHT?!”

Really terrible al.commenter non sequitur of the week.

Elsewhere on that health care study report, Leviticus20:13 continued their banner week of being a digital asshole with an amazingly assholish non sequitur.

Trayvon died because he didn’t have insurance. And what was he doing visiting his daddy’s lover? And why hasn’t she been seen?

Viceroy Hurrrrrr of the Week.

Each al.COMMENTARY post, we award the title of Viceroy Hurrrrrr. Designated by Emperor Hurrrrrrlong of the Hurrrrrrlong Empire to lead the Hurrrrrr colony at al.com, the honor of Viceroy Hurrrrrr goes to the poster who makes that completely unnecessary joke for the sake of satisfying the emotion that tells them “HURRRRRRR! LOOK AT ME! I MADE FUNS OF YOU! HURRRR!”

This week’s Viceroy Hurrrr is iantdidnothing, who displayed the kind of intelligence and empathy toward rural Alabama AIDS sufferers that you would expect of someone with that handle.

You cant fix stupid

No, asshole. I suppose you “cant.”

HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

This week in al.com bigotry and disturbing calls for violence.

This rick2000 comment on the story about Obama saying he sees his kids in some illegal immigrants’ kids … just … holy shit…

Then odds are this nation is dumber than I thought. Of course sheeple like you will probably pee your pants with Ol Shuck & Jive and that chimp faced cow of a wife to disgrace our once great country again.

al.COMMENTARY Racist Asshole of the Week. By far. Please leave the rest of humanity alone.

Oh Jesus Christ, he’s not done yet.

Col, move to Europe and see what a paradise those “values” have created. America needs to be concerned about its own people and not worrying about those in Third World rat holes who only come here for the free ride. Go to “Londonistan” and see what a wonderful thing multiculturalism in action can be.

Please just go away? Please?

If it were not for rick2000‘s efficient performance, Leviticus20:13 would be our bigot of the week. Instead, he’s merely our al.COMMENTARY “Jesus Christ al.com Admins Won’t You Do Something About This Bigoted, Prolific Troll Already?” of the Week.

Why? Oh, here’s some of why.

Here’s a suggestion. Make the print edition conservative. New editorial board. For years the News has run 2 liberals and one conservative or moderate commentator. Saturday’s paper always had insulting left wing editorial cartoons. Someone posted on here that Bham News was a “black” newspaper, and he said that as a compliment. I’m not sure if that is true but if the News is marketed toward black customers, it will fail. They have the Birmingham Times. If you want the Bham news to survive you need drastic changes. Those changes need to have an editorial board that in sync with the customers that live in Hoover, Mtn Brook, Homewood, Shelby county. Joey Kennedy tweeted that Alabamians are a selfish, jealous people. People who read the News get the feeling that it’s run by the editorial board of the NYT.

The News can survive, but you have to make it a conservative paper. I don’t expect this to happen.

Oh, and he had a follow-up to explain why black people don’t deserve to be factored into newspaper marketing.

Shelby County is rich and well educated. Lowest unemployment in the state. also the most conservative county in the state. Blacks in alabama are poor, uneducated and vote democrat. So your point would be?

“BLACK PEOPLE WHO WEVE BEEN RELEGATIN’ INTO A LOWER CLASS THROUGH DISCSRIMIANTION FOR DECADES AREN’T AS SMART AS ME AND THEY CAN’T READ BCAUSE SHELBY COUNTY IS BETTER THAN EVERYBODY YOU SHOULD BOW DOWN!”

More later.

It was a a great week for the al.commentariat to be afraid of technology in schools, with a Huntsville Times story about laptops in schools. flatheadfredd‘s comment, however, was just… well…

Expect cheap laptops flooding the black market. The “crack for laptops” campaign. If the dummies in charge think it is expensive for students to lose books, wait until they have to start replacing these at a high rate.

“ALL MIDDLESCHOOELRS R ON THE CRACK!”

Meanwhile, Carl Adwater found a way to take aim at black people for 500 people dying because of no health insurance in Alabama. Unfortunate emphasis added.

“lacked health insurance” because they chose not to pay for any, (bet you they had cell phones, 22″ rims and, fake fingernails though)…”lacked access to preventive and primary care” nobody is denied access to health care providers if they have a means to pay…The truth is and the story should have been worded as “Lacked FREE access to preventative and primary care”

ALABAMA!

A few weeks ago, I wrote of the left’s, um, counterproductive issues with Mormons and how it relates to the condescending way that some outside groups working to repeal the state’s idiotic immigration law have, in euphemistic terms, shat the bed a deep stinky brown by condescending to Alabamians in lieu of talking to them to find a relatable reason that can get them behind the repeal.

But it had been a good long while since I’d seen a far-righter toss out the kind of unfair description of Mormon beliefs for which I faulted the left.

Enter ohnevermind‘s anger toward Romney’s immigration proposals last week. Unfortunate emphasis added to a post that is already full of so much unfortunate.

Where did Self-Deportation go? Where is his his reverseal of Osama’s last week’s ban on sending kids, (30 years and under) back. Where is his support of AZ immigration law. This is truly and Etch a Sketch moment. He needs to applogize to Rick Perry for his attacks in the debates. I won’t vote for him because he is a member of a cult. Other should not vote for him because he flip flops and does not tell the whole truth.

Sigh.

Some days I get the feeling that certain reporters and editors are goading on the al.commenters. Of course, judging their reaction to most things, life itself could also probably be accused of goading al.commenters on.

But take this story in which a homicide victim is described as having been an “aspiring rapper.”

I mean… what do you think is going to happen?

broketaxpayer

RAP is 99% CRAP. They rap about killing, drugs, and a lot more I can type here. People better wake to to all the CRAP going on and put a stop to it. RAP is CRAP.

“I COULD TYPE MORE BUT I EXPECT THEM TO GET RID OF ENTIRE GENRE OF MUSIC OVER MY ANGRY COMMENTS! I PUT A C IN FRONT OF A WORD!!!!”

5pointsbob

I agree, and how sad. Rap is all about the gangsta’ lifestyle, and too many black youths aspire to it. In my book, “aspiring” and “rapper” are mutually exclusive.

Indeed, Jay-Z’s sports team ownership, entrepreneurial and hot naked Beyonce success could only be described as aspirational. But maybe he’ll get there one day for 5pointsbob.

Meanwhile, noted asshole and scholar doodooham.

Maybe Birmingham will fund a $50,000 study on the odds of being shot and robbed on a foot bridge from the civil rights district to the proposed stadium?

“ALL BLACK PEOPLE USE PUBIC INFRASTRUCTURE AND KILL PEOPLE THE KLAN WAS RIGHT HURRR!”

prpelham, having never left his anonymous, interstate-adjacent white people hole, is of the belief that downtown Birmingham is a constant barrage of gunshots.

You know, in between all the lawyers and bankers and such.

Isn’t there a “Sure shot” system or something that indicates when a shot is fired Downtown Birmingham that the police monitor? I would guess the person working that machine probably has to wear ear plugs!

Christ, y’all, when will we stop the gang violence inside the Regions building?!

Hey, guess who’s back?

Leviticus20:13

“an aspiring rapper”. So no plans for college or opening a business? How sad.

“Opening a business”? Yes, that is an accepted and usual way upon which to grade whether someone is bound for good citizenship and success. Shit, y’all, I can tell you how many fine young men I know who are like, “Yeah, one day I wanna just go and open up a pet salon for dogs and large enough guinea pigs.”

SoreWinners, earning his handle.

If not for white flight, this senseless killing would never have happened…

“WHITE PEOLE ARE NEVER WRONG!”

The Birmingham News’ John Archibald had a column this week on tuition being too damned high at Alabama and Auburn. goodsouth blames things that are imaginary, especially at the minority-deprived Tuscaloosa campus, for inflating the cost.

Why do minorities continue to attend free of charge? Can’t wait to hear this.

“IMAGIINARY BLACK PEOPLE HAVE ALL THE COLLEGE MONEY!”

A Hispanic illegal immigrant was accused of a crime and arrested in North Alabama. That is all the context you need for the following set of offensive comments.

etbhome

Poor undocumented Democrat will be moved to a swing State, given a new identity, (A new ID is easy for an Illegal Alien) and registered to vote….

AlphaRaptor

Dang, he’s a mean, mad, muchacho and gotta go! BYE, BYE!!

AlphaRaptor again.

Aw, poor widdle Mexican, ADIOS! LOLOL!

tcarl

Amaya looks over 30 years old, so he can sneak back in 10 times with fake papers.

Hey, y’all remember how a black person was named president of the Southern Baptists?

Well, the Southern Baptists, the legal scholars that they are, subsequently made it clear that they don’t believe that gay rights are civil rights.

Now, I’m sure we’ll get some enlightening and nuanced religious commentary from this guy posting under the handle Leviticus20:13.

Yeh, He hid them in a book we call the Bible. Well you’ve posted on here before that you are NOT a Christian but a Catholic. LOL.

“LOL YOURE ORIGINAL SOURCE MATERIAL PART OF CHRISTANITY IS GAY AND NOT REAL LOL!”

Oh, but it gets worse.

westmob

They still haven’t found a “gay” gene. Interesting that the American Psychological Association considered homosexuality a mental disorder all the way up to the mid-1970s, and only changed their position when under political pressure by picketing and various other protests. The position was not changed based on scientific fact.

“GAY PEOPLE ARE INASNE ! FOR BUTTS !”

kindly. Unfortunate emphasis added.

The Baptists are right and they have the moral high ground. There is really no such thing as homosexual rights or “gay” rights. Actually, I don’t even recognize the word “gay” as being representative of homosexuals. One thing for sure, homosexuals are definitely not happy people so “gay” just don’t fit. All they do is complain, complain, complain because people won’t accept their deviant lifestyles as normal. Then they try to influence the courts to force it on us. Not once in this country has a state by popular vote advanced any homosexual cause. It’s always an out of control legislature or activist judge that steps in for them.

“GYA PEOPLE AREN’T HAPPY WHEN I TELL THEM THEY ARE UNNATURAL AND MASSCARE THEYRE FEELINS FOR THINGS THEY HAVE THAT THEY WERE BORN WITH SO I AINT CALLIN THEM GAY!”

But I’m sure that someone with the handle NOTHINGBUTRECOIL will bring some logic and intelligence to this conversation.

Then it is a book not the bible, as for gay marriage being made legal because they are born that way and cant help themselves I guess we will have to legalize pedophilia, bestiality and other deviant forms of sex because in my years investigating sex crimes that was the same excuse they all gave for their actions.

Thanks for that, tiny-dicked gun nut asshole.

And yet, despite all that has come before, a poster calling himself Dr. Tide just went so far above and beyond the call of homophobia.

It starts with this exchange with DallasTXUptown.

To answer Trees:

1) Gay people have been denied housing because they are gay

2) Gay people have been denied being able to adopt because they are gay

3) Gay people are routinely fired for being gay

4) Gay people have been denied being served at restaurants

5) Gay people have been denied seeing their partners while in ICU

6) Gay couples are denied the same IRS tax advantages as heterosexuals

Dr.Tide

So have illegal immigrants…but that doesn’t mean we should just hand them the keys to the border!

“WE NEED TO BUIOLD A BORDER FENSE ACROSS OUR BUTTS!”

Oh, but it gets worse.

A man-made invention, yes agree. Just like being gay….

Oh, but it gets worse.

So much worse.

I didn’t realize that we needed to point out differences in animals and humans. Your dog urinates on every tree in the yard too…so is that the next thing we should make legal for humans?

We’d all look cute standing in the parking lot at Walmart taking turns peeing on each others tires huh?

“IF YOU WANNA GAY YOU MIGHT AS WELL PISS ON ME AT THE WALMART!”

Something tells me we aren’t just talking about why homosexuality is wrong anymore, Dr. Tide.

Earlier this week, there was a Birmingham News story about a vigil held in the lead-up to the Supreme Court’s decision on Arizona’s immigration law, which served as something of a blueprint for Alabama’s hillbilly lawmaking efforts to harass Hispanic people out of talking funny in its various Walmarts and even some Targets.

As you read the remainder of this column, please keep in mind that a 14-year-old girl was one of the primary subjects of the story, and The News printed her photo with it online.

Shockingly, a guy with the name boycottmaxsdeli is a bit of an anti-immigrant extremist to levels that are disturbing.

i had 2 people there taking pictures of the illegals there. after AZ’s law is upheld tmrw, their pictures will be sent to the appropriate authorities

“ESPECIALAALY GONNA RPEORT THE LEGAL ONES!”

nedbutler2001 just calls for good ol’ fashioned deportation lynch mobs.

Since obozo and the liberal dumbocrats refuse to obey the law and won’t let anyone else enforce it it is time for the American people to take matters into their own hands. I think if we the American people start arresting them and shoving them back across the border they will get the message. obozo and holder and the rest of thes stinking liberal dumbocrats should be put in prison for failing to obey the laws of this country. Time to dump obozo and the liberal dumbocrats. We need Sheriff Joe for President, he would take care of them all.

Survivor Gatt adds a bit of unintentional levity because, after going back through the story, I’m not sure where this came from. Emphasis added.

really?????? illegal is illegal, they are not here with the proper permission send them back! when they get the proper paper work and we try to send them back then they can hold all their vigils and i will support them until then go back where you came from! another thought! can we please make them learn English to live here! that goes for the Haitians and everyone else to!

Goddamn Haitians.

And finally, keeping up with al.COMMENTARY tradition, onmylastleg offers not a call for a lynching, but something just as, if not more disturbing on an article in which a 14-year-old girl was one of the primary subjects.

Unfortunate emphasis added.

They should be rounded up and deported! Not one has the right to be here! They are criminals, they broke our laws by coming here and most all are breaking many different laws with fake and mostly stolen ID’s!
There should be a bounty on their head , like we once had on other predators‘! 

14-year-old girl.

Thank you for joining this edition of al.COMMENTARY.

I am going to take a shower.

But not the kind that Dr. Tide would probably give me.

RTR.

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can like this blog on Facebook and follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.