Every Monday at Reran Tragedy, Editor-in-Chief Cal Alabaster Jr. draws on his considerable experience in Southern politics to round up news, notes, and blatantly pasted-in press releases that readers may have otherwise missed.
Alabama conservative talk radio hosts and their listeners this week decried the Obama administration and the “liberal” media for ignoring atrocities inflicted upon “actual Americans” by “blood-hungry, possibly Sharia-influenced, illegal immigrant Spider-Mans that exist to drive up gas costs, raise taxes and, above all, kill Republican babies.”
“This … is … an outrage,” said Terry “The Falcon” Shelton, who frequently goes out of his way to mimic the elongated pauses of successful right-wing hosts like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck during his afternoon show on Hoover’s AM 648 The Galleria Talk Bunker. “These liberals, this constitution abuser in the White House, they hear the cries of these babies who had to pay so much for gas on the way to being murdered by these liberal, probably gun-stealing Spider-Mans, and they do nothing.
“If Barack Obama and [Attorney General] Eric Holder and their illegal alien financiers are not in custody by the end of this day, I say we should all do the American thing and come down to our livespot at the Honda in Hoover and buy yourself a new car. You never know with these people when it might be too late.”
Callers gave great approval to his call for justice by supporting a meaningless and unrelated brand to solve a nonexistent problem.
“I am tired of these Spider-Mans coming around here, letting illegals steal our jobs, buy our gas to make it more expensive and try to murder my boys just because they won’t grow up and vote for Barack Hussein Obama,” said Mike Petter, 44, of Inverness. “If it weren’t for The Falcon fightin’ the good fight every afternoon, I wouldn’t know how much my government spends all its time dispatchin’ unbelievable things to come after me because it thinks I’m so important.”
The concept of government-dispatched Spider-Men raising gas prices, killing GOP babies and somehow being illegal immigrants probably seems far fetched. But the idea is based on several scraps of reality exaggerated and distorted by talk radio’s message board echo chamber culture to appeal to angry white men and women with disposable income who are successful enough to be concerned about the security of their station but subconsciously cognizant and insecure of the fact that they are too anonymous and secure to be “come after.”
The Spider-Man element originates from Marvel Comics’ last year killing a version of the original white Spider-Man and replacing him with a young black Hispanic youth. The idea enraged some white conservatives, with Glenn Beck alleging First Lady Michelle Obama somehow caused the change. Subsequently, one Alabama talk radio caller theorized that, due to the character’s ethnicity, he might be an illegal immigrant.
In the past year, illegal Spider-Man has only taken on more and more bizarre and factually light characteristics to keep it relevant.
The Spider-Man became Spider-Men and federal agents acting illegally to vaguely tie it into the “Fast & Furious” gun-running scandal. When Republicans objected to discounted birth control to hop onto religious leaders’ problems with the Affordable Care Act, the Spider-Men developed a taste for murdering GOP babies to allow for illegal votes.
The Spider-Men became possibly Muslim because they seem foreign and scary and the religion is regularly associated “with black people with funny names,” as one talk radio caller put it. This lead to the addition of the Spider-Men’s responsibility for raising gas prices because, as one caller put it, “he’s over there in the Middle East not respecting our boys like we do every five second burying the oil even deeper so we can’t get it with his spider-webs.”
Because Alabamians are particularly susceptible and committed to substituting bullshit ideas for reality to avoid changing or just to make themselves feel better, the exaggeration has taken on great popularity — to local talk radio hosts’ great benefit, as they have used it as the centerpiece of several remote broadcasts and rallies.
But because the listeners only pay attention to what confirms their beliefs — meaning talk radio — their idea of what is important in politics and government is largely centered on further demonizing a caricature of a black, wrongly alleged illegal immigrant that is completely and utterly detached from reality.
“I think what my listeners are wondering in this hour brought to you by Jim’s Auto Supply in Prattville is why your newspaper never prints any stories talking about why no one has arrested and impeached these illegal Spider-Mans for deporting Americans against our Congress’ will?” demanded Dan Dawson, on his morning show on Montgomery’s AM 1251 The Talk Walrus.
“Wait,” replied a Montgomery Advertiser reporter, “you do realize that Spider-Man is a fictional comic book character, right?”
“I guess you liberal media types would say that the Constitution is fictional too,” Dawson said, setting up an another crowd-pleasing ad hominem attack in lieu of a point. “Then again, you do write on paper. Like a liberal.”
His callers agreed with that “take down.”
“That’s why these liberal newspapers are going under unlike new media like you,” said Marty Kyle, 28, of Prattville. “They don’t look forward and talk about the good way things used to be under Reagan.
“But you do the Lord’s work here, Dan — changin’ the world by fightin’ off all those libs who get they panties in a wad about you sayin’ things on Twitter and showin’ me that they [the government, liberals — it is unclear] care about how I’m living my life so much that they’re always after it.”
The “take downs” have not been limited to newspaper reporters, however.
“What?” asked black Rep. John Knight, D-Montgomery, lured onto a Hal Hauter’s morning show on Huntsville’s AM 903 The Explodin’ Big White Talk Rocket to discuss his long-languishing plan to remove the sales tax from groceries. “Are you talking about the cartoon with the six arms?”
“I got you! I got you in a way that could only be brought to you by Phil and the other fine people down at Cook’s Pest Control!” screamed Hauter in celebration by catching Knight “uninformed.” “You had no idea about this problem caused by Republican baby-killing tax-funded Spider-Mans. You’re out of touch and oughta be put in chains and marched around half naked.
“Or you would be if you weren’t so politically correct.”
Callers cited the conversation with approval.
“You really showed them Hal!” said Carl Hamilton, 31, of Huntsville, when calling in to the program. “This certainly confirms my feelin’ that I’m important enough for someone to be after me, and for those people to be in the government, which is supposed to be doing big stuff.
“Maybe one day we’ll get the liberal media to stop reporting on gay horse handouts and actually touch on the real issues in this country, like people who are after me that I’ve never seen!”
Asked about whether it was irresponsible to encourage more pointless anger that further sets their listeners apart from both reality and those who their elected leaders must work to get anything meaningful done, The Talk Walrus’ station manager maintained that the station is meant to “cause provocative conversation” and that their hosts are “not meant to be news media.”
Auburn fan ‘turnin’ the gay’ to protest Alabama title wins in women’s sports
An Auburn Tigers fan says that he is swearing off sex with women because the Alabama Crimson Tide’s recent success in women’s sports shows that the gender is unfairly biased toward the school over Auburn.
“Yea i’m turnin the gay!” said Jamie Whitlock, 43, posted last week on the popular “The Bunker” message board on AuburnSports.com after a weeks of meditation following Alabama’s recent softball national championship. “but [sic] if the women wanted some of my Tiger seed theyd not shown theyre bias towards the turdtown bammer poophole trash. yall let em win the [NCAA titles] in womens golf, gymnastics and softball within a few weeks, yall cleerly arent part of The Auburn Family.”
Whitlock has frequently contributed to threads on The Bunker about boycotting certain establishments and people for what is perceived as a pro-Alabama bias and thus must be shunned by frighteningly obsessive Auburn fans such as himself. Before adding “womens” to the boycott list last week, his previous contributions had included all Full Moon BBQ restaurants, the Birmingham-Shuttlesworth International Airpot, and the name and address of a 4-year-old girl he saw in a houndstooth dress at the Hoover Galleria.
Whitlock acknowledged that “turnin’ the gay” after a lifetime of often defensive heterosexuality would be difficult and personally painful. Court records show that Whitlock has already filed for divorce from his wife of 20 years, listing “Bammer sleeper traitorism” as the cause of the split.
“ive not ever been attracted to male butthole types before, but the gays make that choice all the time,” wrote Whitlock, showing that he does not really know how being gay actually works, possibly due to his near psychotic obsession with a certain college’s athletic success.
“but im AU in.”
Experts who study the deranged notions of the more obsessive and immature Alabama and Auburn fans say Whitlock’s attempted sexual rewiring is the most ill-advised boycott by a state sports fan since an Alabama Crimson Tide fan once tried to protest Auburn’s success in swimming and diving by abstaining from water.
Headlines from this weekend’s Alabama papers
The Birmingham News: “Birmingham News readers value the lives of some f—ing geese over actual human life”
Mobile Press-Register: “Exciting named storm threatens to blow new housing opportunities into Gulf Coast”
The Huntsville Times: “Fistfight breaks out at Carrabas over whether Olive Garden is better”
Montgomery Advertiser: “Governor has no idea what the hell he’s doing”
The Daily Mountain Eagle: “Sips n Strokes opening new Jasper location called ‘Moonshine n Markers’”
This week in Alabama history
On June 27, 1880, Helen Keller was born.
Her life, lived without virtually any conscious memory or awareness of sight or sound, inspired every asshole’s disability joke ever.
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can like this blog on Facebook and follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com