by Elgin Derry

Welcome to “Capitol Ideas” — the first Washington report from the Heartland. Every other week, Reran Tragedy contributor Elgin Derry will bring you all the latest notable happenings from inside the beltway.

Unlike other Washington reports, Elgin’s reporting will not be corrupted by being near the heart of power in the United States where things actually happen. Elgin is a lifelong resident of Chilton County, Alabama, and has never been to Washington, let alone any other depraved, power-corrupted places in the United States, like Moulton. In fact, Elgin has only a minimal understanding about the way American government works, gleaning most of his knowledge and views from conversations with other Alabamians who think they know something about politics. 

Enjoy.

This column is a trendsetter

I didn’t really know how well my first writings on what those Nazis in Washington were up to would go over since some non-Chilton County folk were reading it.

But since then, The Birmingham News has laid off their Washington reporter, so it must have went really well!

I’m a trend-setter!

Because from now on, all other Alabamians’ Washington reporting will be handled by people down here and not by elitists who think they’re so special because they’re up there to actually see things happen and talk about whether Alabamians should be interested in them after they see them.

The way it oughta be, of course!

This week in Washington: Your house will be for illegals soon! Protect our peach!

They'll get to park their tacos wherever they please!

People I have talked to around Chilton County say that the president is probably going to make a bunch of goddamned illegal immigrants live in our houses after deciding to do that last week.

Obama made some decision last week to not make illegals go to Mexico jail. According to a bunch of press releases I got from the Alabama delegation, this is real bad.

Jimmy down at the Stuckey’s said he reckoned that this meant that the Mexicans were going to be made to live in our houses now “since they’ve already took everything else from us.” He couldn’t really say what they had taken from him, but he said it real loudly, so I would be inclined to believe it is true.

“Hot Tot” down at the Wendy’s also said this seemed like the Mexicans were going to crawl in the bed with us and make us sing illegal lullabies or they will steal our cars every night. She said that she knows this because she hears them singing when they come in the Wendy’s to buy a chicken sandwich, and what they sing does not sound like legal English.

It is not known yet how you would have to get a new car every night, but it does not sound fair and yet again is you putting your hard-earned money into something so the illegals can steal it.

It was also unclear at press time if the president was going to make you feed them tacos, but experts at the gas station I go and buy a biscuit at every morning say it is more likely than not what is going to happen.

Bad Alabama Congressman of the Week: Jeff Sessions

I found this photo on Google that sources who are me say makes Sessions think he is Spider-Man and therefore better than us. I haven't seen him spin no web! Of any size!

This week, Sen. Jeff Sessions, who has funny ears, kept doing stuff with people who have AIDS and food stamps.

I don’t know anybody evil and mean enough in Chilton County to have AIDS or food stamps, so sources in my head tell me they do not know why Sessions is up and wasting his time on stuff that isn’t real or a problem in Alabama.

If he really cared about Alabama’s problems, he would make the WWE bring back ol’ Stone Cold Steve Austin. Stone Cold’s way of telling people with authority to kiss his ass was really important to me and appealed to a lot of Alabamians who are me, sources that are me said.

Then again, if this were a fair country, Stone Cold would be doing Jeff Sessions’ job.

But it’s not.

And that’s all Congress’ fault.

Good Alabama Congressman of the Week: Mike Rogers

His hair looks nice!

Mike Rogers is a good man, sources that are me say.

I have not talked to him, but someone from his office talked to me this week and they sounded real interested in me. They saw that I was writing a column about the Congressin’ and thought it would be good to “reach out to [me].” They sent me press releases showing Rep. Rogers is doing stuff.

Like this:

Taking care of our veterans

(WASHINGTON, DC)—For many, Memorial Day was the start to summer when school’s finally out and the swimming pools are open for business.

But for other families, Memorial Day meant mourning the loss of loved ones in uniform who paid the ultimate sacrifice in wars like Iraq or Afghanistan or other conflicts in our history.

We live in an amazing country.  Although we are in tough economic times, America is resilient.  Our forefathers and those who laid down their lives to make the United States what it is today and keep us free and safe are truly heroes.

All of our brave men and women in uniform who have served or are currently serving and their families sacrifice so much in order for them to defend our freedoms.

In return, we owe them and their families the best we can give them – and not just on holidays reserved in their honor or in their memory.

Recently I visited the Bill Nichols Veterans Home in Alexander City.  That facility is the type of facility our Veterans deserve.  They do a great job there. That home is a reminder of the commitment our nation made to our Veterans in return for their service.

That commitment was discussed this week in Washington, as the House passed the fiscal year 2013 Military Construction and Veterans Affairs Appropriations bill.  This important bill funds our Veterans’ benefits and programs that have been earned through years of sacrifice and toil by our brave men and women and their families.

As our nation has done in past wars, we are now experiencing many new Veterans of the recent wars in Iraq and Afghanistan coming home to rejoin their families and communities, to continue their service or find a civilian job. Our commitment to them should remain strong and steadfast, as it was with past generations of heroes.

Programs such as job training, counseling, and housing services  are part of the pact we have made with those who have given their all to support and defend our nation. I was proud to join my colleagues in supporting this legislation as it passed the House of Representatives.

We owe so much to these brave men and women and their families.  As a member of the House Armed Services Committee, I will continue to fight for their best interests since they fought so hard for ours.

As always, contact me on this or any issue by visiting my website at www.mike-rogers.house.gov, become a fan on Facebook at Congressman Mike D. Rogers, follow me on Twitter at RepMikeRogersAL and subscribe to my YouTube page at MikeRogersAL03.

He has a YouTube! That sounds like video!

Plus, they listened to all my talking about things me and the fellas around the gas station have seen in the gas station parking lot and how Congress should fix that.

That is so much nicer than what other congressers have done to me when I call and talk about the parking lot problems. They usually say they will get back in touch with me and then never do.

This one time, there was a really big pothole in the parking lot, and I up and called Jo Bonner‘s office about it. His people said that “Congress really doesn’t do things like that.”

“Doesn’t do things like that”? Then what do you do? What’s the point of you? Look at me and what I have to say!

But this person from Mike Rogers office did listen to me and all of the deficiencies at the gas station park lot. Even the smell of gas!

I think we’re friends now!

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can like this blog on Facebook and follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.