Welcome to al.COMMENTARY, a semi-irregular feature at Reran Tragedy where we will cull the worst of the worst of the real al.com’comments that we can stand to read to show how the company that owns the state’s biggest daily-ish papers shames their remaining workers’ product and the state by allowing immature, racist, and just-plain-wrong examples of humanity to post filth on their site. 

For the unfamiliar, al.com is a website operated by Advance Publications, a media company that owns Alabama’s biggest newspapers. These are storied publications that have been nominated for and even won the Pulitzer Prize, and they have long been the benchmark for quality journalism in the state of Alabama. And Advance also owns The Huntsville Times.

al.com is where Advance publishes its newspapers’ stories online. Because they allow fairly anonymous commenting, they have attracted by far the most rabidly crazy and offensive talkbacks in the state. As such, it’s a daily stain on the image of the state that, well, it would have made itself without al.com, but perhaps less efficiently.

Originally, the next one of these was going to run next week, but between a heaping of provocative stories ranging from last weekend’s tragedy in Auburn and penis torture crimes, that thing would have been about 6,000 words. So you are getting an early present of filth this morning so you can get more filth later.

Hooray you.

So much filth.

Today, we look at how the again totally real talkbacks have responded to the shooting in Auburn, Jefferson County’s computer troubles, and the aforementioned genital torture crimes. And then we conclude with the racism.

Enjoy.

Though you probably shouldn’t.

I mean, really.

Overreaction is truly the best reaction

Last weekend, three people were killed — including two former Auburn Tigers football players — in a shooting at an apartment complex in Auburn. It is a terrible tragedy whenever anyone loses their lives.

But to several al.commenters, ones from all evidence al.com’s administrators have been on the lookout for, the important thing was that it happened in Auburn. You know, that orange place in the immature two-person dance of death between Alabama and Auburn fans that plays out with frightening personal importance to its players over the sports message boards at al.com.

To be fair, al.com did a good job weeding out the worst stuff before I got there, apparently taking out some Alabama fans looking to troll Auburn fans in the most humanly deplorable way possible.

And yet still there is some pretty deplorable stuff left behind, as you will see the most in the racism section at the end of this post.

In the meantime, let’s look at the dumb Tide fans whose posts weren’t stricken for terribleness.

Now, cheaha55 probably may not have meant anything by this, but the first three words of this phrase comes off on a story about two Auburn football players dying…

Roll Tide, yes, but our hearts go out in sympathy to Coach Chizik and the entire Auburn family. A tragedy so unimaginable … blessings, comfort, peace as soon as possbile to all so deeply affected by this loss.

Sure. This is a perfectly appropriate time for a Roll Tide.

Granted, another Alabama favoring poster had a much more intentionally dumbassed post I spotted in my rather tentative search for awful.

AlabamaNation

OMG! AL.COM your new format is THE WORST!

“I DECIDED TO TAKE THIS TRAGEDY TO LET YALL KNOW YOUR WEBSITE SUX. YORU WEBSITE SUX YALL. IT SUX.

“JUST THOUGHT YALL SHOULD KNOW. THAT IT SUX.

“RTR!”

Friday 13th66 thinks something that’s completely normal is interesting in a way that makes him an asshole.

Interesting that it is necessary to mention the shooter was not on the auburn football team.

Yeah, why would they mention that the suspect at this thing where football players were at and were hurt was not a member of the team when that’s a perfectly logical question?

They must know something I don’t.

Like, you know, something.

MakeNoMistake is our Overreactor of the Week, spewing wary warnings that no one needs on things they know nothing about.

Barely a year after the armed home invasion involving a gun owned by a football player, there is this tragedy near campus. Seven shot. Two dead. It is not a safe there.

“THESE TWO SEPARATE THINGS HAPPENED A YEAR APART IN THE SAME GENERAL GEOGRAPHIC VICINITY. Y’ALL RUN! RUN IT AIN’T SAFE!

“MAYBE AUBURN UNIVERSITY MONTGOMERY’S SAFER! NOT CLEAR! JUST RUN!”

That may sound extreme. And yet, there is Stacey.

College is NOT one of the safest places to be. There are more rapes and attacks that happen on campus than anywhere else and then many of those end up being handled by the campus police and nothing is really done or reported.

“NO REPORTIN EXCEPT THOSE REPORTS MADE TO THE POLICE! AND IT’S MORE THAN ANYWHERE ELSE! I SWEAR! COLLEGE IS EVIL! DON’T GO OR YOU’LL GET RAPED!

“PLUS I HERE IT MAKES U GAY TOO!”

And finally, before the racist stuff at least, here’s smmarkfan, or as you may know him, that guy.

Also, I edited this down to just get to the “point.”

And yes, I do indeed wish I knew how to inject some class into the classless. If not me, then anyone! You only get one opportunity to raise each child. And just because you manage to raise a child with enough intelligence or athletic skill to earn their way into a decent college does not mean that they have enough class, humanality or common sense to avoid behaviors and situations which put themselves and others at risk!

You could expect him to have some decency to the families of the dead, but I guess he lacks the class and “humanality.”

And now enlightened, revealing conversations about male genital torture.

Moving to a lighter topic: Blessedly for those who have no shame, al.commenters got a chance to discuss two stories in the last week about women attacking men’s genitals in a painful and criminal fashion. And yes, the comments were as terrible as you would think they would be.

The first one was not local news but was a report out of North Carolina. AlphaRaptor, also known as racist Trussville Jesus, weighed in.

I apologize for that pun.

How in the heck can someone be castrated like that? I’ve seen those people that do those sick shows where they hang weights from their scrotum by hooks and the skin doesn’t tear and why wasn’t he beating the ever loving snot out of her or ripping her hair and scalp off with HIS bare hands, what was he, an armless, legless, paper skinned wonder of the modern world? And isn’t this an old news from a few months ago because there was another woman who did the exact same thing to a man that just LET her do it.

“I CAN’T RESPECT ANYBODY WHO DOES NOT RESPOND PROFESSIONALLY TO THE HIGHLY UNUSUAL ATTACK OF HAVING THE TESTICALS SQUEEZE OUT OF THEIR BODY!”

As bad as that post was, well…

Beach Bum

Good thing she didn’t have a pocket knife hidden in her back pocket. Remember Lorraina Bobbit?

My sister’s husband is cheating on her. He just left home and moved in with the other woman. My initial thought was to forward this article to all of them. But I’ll refrain.

Short version of this post: I AM AN ASSHOLE.

zyzacks

I think I see a new reality TV show on the horizon: “When PMS Attacks.”

Short version: I AM AN ASSHOLE.

Despite being anonymously named, the poster known as Dude may have revealed some things.

Why is this on AL.COM it’s gross, I think this qualifies as pornographic myself.

You do know porno is supposed to give you sexual enjoyment right?

So… exactly what kind of f—ed up stuff are you into, Dude?!

But wait, there’s more genital mutilation! In a domestic incident last week, a Wylam woman stabbed her estranged husband with scissors while he was in bed with his girlfriend and then bit his genitals.

And so al.commenters used this as an opportunity to open up about their many disturbing thoughts on gender politics and race relations (the woman, and, as far as I could gather, the victim were black).

We’ll get to the racism this prompted at the end of the post, but… skip past this part about the more prurient parts of penis crime if you need to.

It’s really for the best.

Let’s start off with the first post I saw on this thread by tunaaugrad. Quick bit of context and to retort to his allegations about the story: The story was rather clinical and straightforward, but the JeffCo Sheriff’s spokesman made a “woman scorned” crack that was really inappropriate and a great thing for the reporter to actually quote. Because why the hell do you say that to the press?

Yet, fair warning: Nothing about tunaaugrad‘s post is not horrible.

Mad.

If this had been a man doing this to a woman, he’d be in jail on a $125,000 bond with restraining orders. He’d have his mugshot plastered everywhere in the media. People would be lamenting the horrors of domestic violence against women.

But, THIS happens, and the article has a chuckle in the tone and a glib quip from a sheriff’s spokesman about treading lightly around a woman with fury. There’s even the hint of “he-had-it-coming” by including the fact that he was sleeping with his girlfriend at the time this happened.

Well, it isn’t funny. This is an assault with a deadly weapon. This is a felony. She is looking at a possible (unlikely) 20 year sentence. She is one of those people that prisons are designed for. Not the drug addicts or even the drug pushers. Her. The one with a crumb of her husband’s groin stuck in the corner of her mouth.

Just when you think it can’t get any worse from the weird, inappropriate misogyny, he goes and writes “[t]he one with a crumb of her husband’s groin stuck in the corner of her mouth.”

Jesus.

Christ.

And yet, DonaldDunlap may top tunaaugrad on sexism in much less space.

We have heard now for years that women want to be equal with men. Well, here is an opportunity to see if equal treatment is applied to her. The lawyers will have a ball with this.

“SHE BIT HIS PECKER! WOMEN HAVE NO RIGHT TO EQUAL PAY!”

And now a series of people who reading about a bloody domestic incident that involved a violent genital biting made them think of their own personal sexual relations.

It is just as disturbing as it sounds.

YT

Wow, and they say there is no such thing as a bad one!

“BLOWJOBS! I AM TALKING ABOUT FELLATIO! I’M NOT SURE IF THAT WAS CLEAR!”

covvb0y1

Since al.commenters love discussing abortion, here’s something on JeffCo’s government.

Jefferson County had a little computer issue last week that threatened to cripple the county. The al.commentariat, generally distrustful of government in all its forms, especially Model U.N., had something to say about that.

Also, I am taking the advice of reader Roy Sims of Auburn, who suggested on Weld‘s Facebook page that we make a cartoon based on certain choice al.COMMENTARY each week a la my two dudes making out in handbasket of last week.

(Weld’s Facebook comments: “You’re much less likely to read something about someone having a crumb of her husband’s genitalia in your mouth here!”)

Thanks Roy, and see if you can spot the cartoon below.

So let’s dig into that anti-JeffCo paranoia, starting with FinalVoice, and I’m just going to go for the low-hanging fruit and point out that it is not at all surprising that an al.commenter would use three K’s in “OK.”

OKKK….well here we go again: ‘We need $25 million to install new servers so that we will be ‘seamless, real-time, across all departments,etc, etc, blah-blah-blah’………….sound familiar techies?? It never stops does it?

who needs real people doing things, when we can have macheens that replace them so we SAVE money, then constantly need ‘updates’ until they become outdated, and we have to spend MILLIONs to replace them, because, guess what? we have NO people…………..

How dare liberal, tax-and-spend facts of f—ing life happen just because that is the nature of existence!

It must be the “macheens” fault.

toldjaso is in a perpetual stupid loop and may need some help getting out before toldjaso starves.

YIKES!!! The County has been “sapped” by the financial crisis. LOL

Am I the only one asking “Why NOW?” all of these little things are just now creeping up? They have an agenda at the county commission and that is to make US as miserable as possible so we all will rise up and beg Montgomery to give these morons home rule.

Not on a cold day in Hades. Keep’em all poor until the last one runs out of the commission chambers door going home for good

To break this down: The servers breaking down is really a conspiracy by the County Commission to make the county’s residents miserable so they “rise up” and then “beg” — two words that don’t go together in their normal meaning, but whatever — that the County Commission gets home rule so they can make residents’ lives more miserable. So therefore, the solution is for the county to go broke, meaning eliminating the county government completely, which will make the residents’ lives miserable.

So, in short: The path to preventing is misery is making misery.

Kinda Zen, I guess.

And now this from covvb0y1, which luckily is not worse than his genital post above. I pared this down to the funny, and added emphasis.

Why do I have this vision of officials replacing servers and somewhere along the line they “accidentally” lose payment/billing information. I can almost see the servers being dropped into shredders as the plan. “we owe you,? We don’t seem to have any records of it

Ahem.

Viceroy Hurrrrrr of the Week

Each al.COMMENTARY post, we award the title of Viceroy Hurrrrrr. Designated by Emperor Hurrrrrrlong of the Hurrrrrrlong Empire to lead the Hurrrrrr colony at al.com, the honor of Viceroy Hurrrrrr goes to the poster who makes that completely unnecessary joke for the sake of satisfying the emotion that tells them “HURRRRRRR! LOOK AT ME! I MADE FUNS OF YOU! HURRRR!”

scootrkeg showed some strong HURRRRRRtential with this wonderful comment on the first genital crime story.

That’s nuts.

But wait, a challengHURRRRRR! june2012!

Sometimes you feel like a nut,sometimes you don’t. OUCH !

That’s certainly hackneyed and assholish enough to earn the title of Viceroy Hurrrrrr.

But another challenger appears on the penis biting story! FloydDSmoot!

A case of “assault on a dead weapon.”

And another! SoreWinners.

She was having a ball until it got out of hand…

But on a separate story about a man being shot and dragged to death in Birmingham, scootrkeg found a way to pull out the title.

And also be a horrible person.

What a drag.

HUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

‘A man has been killed. Let’s talk about a motherf—ing minor league baseball team!’

Speaking of that dragging story, let’s turn it over to ReelDawgz for this amazing commentary on that shooting and dragging story.

This is horrible!!!!!

I’ve got a great idea…..let’s move the Barons down to this community where it’s nice & safe.

“MY FIRST RESPONSE TO HEARING ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST WAS TO POINT OUT HOW BAD OF AN IDEA IT WAS TO HOLD THE OLYMPICS STEEPLECHASE IN EUROPE!”

But SoreWinners felt like what this story really needed was a bit of racism.

oh..and is Enrico a hispanic name?

And he wasn’t finished. A later post:

Were the perps wearing hoodies?

I guess this means it’s time for…

This week in al.com racism.

So, the obvious thing that can be gleaned from these columns is that al.com has a problem with some very awful human beings posting anonymously on their site.

Now, I am in full support of the site switching to Facebook comments to add a little bit more of accountability for the dumbasses.

But as a person who writes anonymously himself and voices some opinions that might seem a little out there to some folks, that may seem like I am taking a bit of a glass house stance on the issue, if you get my drift.

And then you meet the user posting under the name B on B Crime, Where’s Al and Jesse and their response to a story when it became clear a black man was being sought related to a child murder.

No questions here….

NO!

LOTS OF GODDAMNED QUESTIONS HERE!

Meanwhile, no one knows what the f— Sedacra, the person who advocated shooting a penis biting wife to death, is saying.

“Guilty until proven innocent”

That is how the media/minority “leaders” want it

But wait, there’s clarification!

“the Presumption of Innocence is a basic part of criminal procedure worldwide.”

I do know that and support that, not sure how you thought i wanted an assumed guilty society but i do not.

Short version: I AM AN ASSHOLE.

beenthere has high hopes for how all this will pan out.

I guess a shootout would be too much to ask?

Considering the perpetrator may not be the only people injured or killed, yes, asshole.

Moving on, Just Sayin gets us close to a call for a lynching.

I do not know who killed these people, but whoever it may be should be HUNG for his/her actions. From all indications it wasn’t a murder suicide, so there is another very dangerous person roaming the streets in this state. I believe anyone who is proven guilty for this or any other crime of this magnitude should move from the court room and be put to death immediately. No other way to get this under control.

F— due process and appeals! WE GOTS TO FOLLOW THE CONSTITUTIONS!

And yet bpin is a bigger asshole.

Whoever did it, this is not their fault. It is poverty’s fault. Poverty makes some folks kill other folks. Medical professionals have not been able to determine why, but many in our society have confirmed that poverty is the reason. The folks that do stuff like this are great people. They have not been given a “fair shot”. They keep waiting on that “fair shot” to come down and take care of them but it just never does, so that forces them to kill. We need to feel sorry for them.

Poor people = child murderers!

Now those posts might not seem all that racist, but I assure you, this is just the warmup.

Back to the story about the penis biting. Again, the alleged perpetrator is a black woman. Her middle name is Ronita.

I think you can see where this is going, unfortunately…

NemesisCain

Ghetto…fabulousness at its best. Dang girl…LOL

aturner339

Ronita? Typical.

But then yancyde.

All of them need to be denutted if you ask me.

IT’S NOT A HARDCORE RACIST PARTY UNTIL SOMEONE CALLS FOR ALL THE BLACKS TO BE CASTRATED TO PREVENT THEM FROM REPRODUCING. WHAT! WHAT!

(Brief snark-less aside to the rest of humanity: Holy f—ing shit?!)

And yancyde took yancyde‘s act to the Auburn shooting stories this weekend, not just adding a “typical” when it was revealed the suspected shooter is black, but even digging into some statistics to show, in a time of great sorrow and in the most sensitive way possible, that black people are a race that is all about killing each other in his opinion.

A 2007 special report released by the Bureau of Justice Statistics, reveals that approximately 8,000 — and, in certain years, as many as 9,000 African Americans are murdered annually in the United States. This chilling figure is accompanied by another equally sobering fact, that 93% of these murders are in fact perpetrated by other blacks. The analysis, supported by FBI records, finds that in 2005 alone, for example, African Americans accounted for 49% of all homicide victims in the US — again, almost exclusively at the hands of other African Americans.

To put these number in perspective, recall that over 6,400 U.S. service men and women have been killed in Iraq and Afghanistan combined over the course of a decade-long war fought in those nations.
What’s more, blacks comprise roughly 12.5 percent of the U.S. population.

ceedog had a rational response.

yancyde , you and the rest of these white racist southerns always play and pull the race card. You all have the little penis syndrome. Don’t be mad because you got little peckers.

“YOU’RE RACIST! THEREFORE, YOUR DICK IS SMALL!” was one of the less successful campaigns for integration during the civil rights movement.

And yet, the worst is yet to come on these Auburn stories.

ChoctawBob

J’all read about the white pizza woman stabbed over 50 times by two black teens over in Georgia?
Peeples gone crazy, I tells you.

“BLACK PEOPLE ARE KILLING EVERYONE I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS T THIS TIME OF TRAGEDY BECAUSE I’M A RACIST ASSHOLE.”

XQQSU was a bit more to the point.

The most violent race on earth.

Yeah. He just went out there and said that.

…

And finally, this week’s call for a lynching, also on an Auburn shooting story.

Lets get a lynch mob and track this guy down!!! Right NOW!!!

Thank you for joining this edition of al.COMMENTARY.

I am going to go take a shower.

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can like this blog on Facebook and follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.