by Elgin Derry

Welcome to “Capitol Ideas” — the first Washington report from the Heartland. Every other week, Reran Tragedy contributor Elgin Derry will bring you all the latest notable happenings from inside the beltway.

Unlike other Washington reports, Elgin’s reporting will not be corrupted by being near the heart of power in the United States where things actually happen. Elgin is a lifelong resident of Chilton County, Alabama, and has never been to Washington, let alone any other depraved, power-corrupted places in the United States, like Chattanooga. In fact, Elgin has only a minimal understanding about the way American government works, gleaning most of his knowledge and views from conversations with other Alabamians who think they know something about politics. 

Enjoy.

This week in Washington: The headlines that matter to you

It is very evident from some random searching I did on the internet this week that all of these Senators and Representatives and Parliamentarians up in Washington are laughing at us because they up there and we are all down here.

The president said some things about jobs this week. What’s he know about jobs? He’s not from Chilton County. People got all sorts of job probs around here. I don’t see him at the big peach any! I bet he doesn’t even know that we have a peach either. Or a peach queen.

These people in Washington think they’re so much better than us with their important positions and their billion-dollar tax-funded salaries, but they really just driving our country into a toilet bowl. I bet they don’t even have those like we do in Chilton County. I bet they have some sort of special poop-swallowing sink! And they put funny pictures on it and make fun of us while they poop in it and make all our lives worse by existing!

Get down here!

You don’t know nothin’!

Committee spends all its time making fun of you

A bunch of them bastards up in Washington got together this week and had them a meeting where they were making fun of us like we were a bunch of a hillbillies that don’t know nothin’!

I tried watching it on the C-SPAN but it was all mumbly, probably so they were trying to hide all their damn tophats and monocles and the naked people bringing them their beer and all these other things they saying about how we are not bright and all.

If they came down here, they’d see how it is. I was down at the BP the other day and we were talking about how the whole lot of them is taking bribes. You can’t prove it, there’s nothing I know of showing it, but just look at them on the TV. They taking bribes.

I don’t get why all these smart people like sitting around and going up to Washington because they think they can do something that is not being done in Chilton County. I bet they don’t even pay attention to the blame Peach Queen at all.

And where is President Obama? If he was really that powerful, he’d be down at the nearest peach adjacent gas station buying a pizza and building a new car plant right now and making us all lawyers. Instead, I bet he’s sitting up in his big house, eating a cigar, and bringing people to him who he can instantly give jobs because they keep paying him off. And since he isn’t here, I bet he’s laughing at me!

And doing nothing!

Get down here!

You don’t know nothin’!

Alabama Congressman Out of Touch With You and Others in Chilton County of the Week: Mo Brooks

If these "leaders" up in Washington really did care about our lives, they'd get down here and put a tophat on our peach and stop treating it like a whore!

I tried calling Mo Brooks office yesterday to ask him if he was going to share his big tophat so we could put it on the peach, make it a Proper Peach. Instantly. Right then. While I was at the phone. At the peach.

Proper Peach!

And you know what? His people told me they couldn’t help me because they don’t know what I’m talking about and Mo isn’t from Chilton he can’t represent Chilton County because he’s not districted here.

He has completely lost touch with all these people that’ve done right by him down here in Chilton County. Just because he has went up to Washington and has done his job there because that’s where his job is doesn’t mean anything. Even if he should have to do something that’s not related to me and Chilton County, that doesn’t makes it right. That just means he’s out of touch with the Heartland! The people who got him elected! Here in Chilton County!

Proper Peach!

Get down here!

You don’t know nothin’!

Out-of-State Congressman Out of Touch With You and Others in Chilton County of the Week

Steve Cohen is a weirdo. First of all, he’s from Memphis. They fight in the streets and do heroin and make babies in the street in Memphis. That don’t sound too in touch with the Heartland. We don’t do that down here in Chilton County that much.

But then you look at how weird it is. Cohen’s not a Memphis heroin baby name. There’s something wrong with him.

He’s on the take.

I can’t prove it, I haven’t run it by the folks at the BP to figure it out yet, but he’s gotta be. He’s gotta be.

I mean, he’s up there. If I can’t look at him and see what he does, how can I know whether I should re-elect him again? You think I know how to elect someone from Memphis who we can trust? There’s blues music in Memphis! That isn’t natural.

If Steve Cohen thinks we are going to keep electing him down here in Chilton County while he’s up in Memphis, he’s got another thing coming. Especially since he hasn’t came down here and handed me a check to ease all my worries yet. And I am not going to Memphis or to Washington to get it.

He really needs to think about the people who is voting for him down in Chilton County or we are going to run him out of office and nobody up there in his little home base in Memphis can save him.

He don’t know nothin’!

And none of y’all are better than me!

…

I hope this has been helpful.

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can like this blog on Facebook and follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.