Welcome to al.COMMENTARY, a new semi-irregular feature at Reran Tragedy where we will cull the worst of the worst of the real al.com’comments that we can stand to read.

For the unfamiliar, al.com is a website operated by Advance Publications, a media company that owns Alabama’s biggest newspapers. These are storied publications that have been nominated for and even won the Pulitzer Prize, and they have long been the benchmark for quality journalism in the state of Alabama. Oh, and Advance also owns The Huntsville Times.

al.com is where Advance publishes its newspapers’ stories online. Because they allow fairly anonymous commenting, they have attracted by far the most rabidly crazy and offensive talkbacks in the state. As such, it’s a daily stain on the image of the state that, well, it would have made itself without al.com, but perhaps less efficiently.

The point of this feature is to do a survey of how “real” Alabamians are presenting themselves to outsiders in talking back to al.com’s coverage of the biggest issues of the day and analyze the talkbacks’ deeper meanings. And by “analyze the talkbacks’ deeper meanings,” we mean mock them mercilessly because they deserve it. 

Today, we look at how the again totally real talkbacks have taken to the announcement of big changes at the Advance Papers, President Obama’s support of gay marriage, and as much crazed anti-black racism as I could stand reading this go-round.

Enjoy.

Though you probably shouldn’t.

I mean, really.

The Liberal have made The Birmingham News go broke by being The Liberal

As you may have heard, or “hard” in al.commentariat speak, Advance papers are going to transition this fall to a more online-focused company, reducing the state’s big three papers’ printing schedule to three days a week.

As Mssr. Kyle Whitmire so elegantly laid out in a column last week, these changes are precipitated by a complex set of factors, including changes in the consumption of information by the average American reader and the decline of revenue from print advertising.

Or, as the al.commentariat deduced, THENY DO1NE WHAT GONE THE PENNY-BROKE BECAUSE THEY WHAT WRITE THE STUFF THAT I WHAT DISAGREE WITH!

Enlightened media scholar Tea Runner:

Only need so many media outlets to carry liberal water. Surprised its lasted this long. How are the cuts going to go? Seniority or ideology?

We know merit won’t be a factor.

THEY THE LIBERAL! THEY GOIN’ OUT OF BUSINESS ‘CAUSE THEY AIN’T THE NOT-LIBERAL! THEY ALL CROOKED TOO BECAUSE THEY THE LIBERAL! I WRITE THINGS ON THE INTERNET HERE STILL THOUGH!

Whatsnew also has a theory.

Big corporations like Advanced requires an uniformed, passive citizenry to help advance their consumer-hostile positions. Ensuring they know less about what’s happening in their city and state is a logical step, though a sad one. So much for the market solving all our problems.

Advance makes money off consumers, so therefore they dislike consumers and they’re doing this so they can let consumers know they dislike them so they can take their money.

Sounds plausible.

Mrandmrs has a particular liberal person to blame for Advance’s money troubles.

I would lke to believe you were kidding, but that sounds just like Joey Kennedy. Even as people lose their jobs, thanks in part to Kennedy’s relentless attacks on readers, he continues to attack.

The man has absolutely no morals or ethics.

JOEY KENNEDY WRITES WHAT I DON’T LIKE ABOUT LIKIN’ IMMIGRANTS AND HATIN’ SCOTT BEASON AND SO HE’S A BAD PERSON WHO KILLS PEOPLE AND THEN SELLS THEIR CHILDREN AND HE’S THE REASON THEY DONE GOIN’ TO HELL AND I POOP ON THIS PAPER TOO THEN I LET MY ANIMALS POOP ON IT AND THEN THROW IT AWAY BECAUSE THAT’S A GREAT WAY OF SPENDIN’ MONEY!

Speaking of Joey Kennedy, RealTradition has a similar theory for The News’ troubles.

Please run more Joey Kennedy stories and opinions. This should help you sell more papers and to get people online. lol. Why does the news media only report on the LIBERAL AGENDA? I hope you fix this problem and just report the news. All you clowns have done is to take up for illegals, criminals, gays, and race bait. I think it is funny that you pander to the “liberals” and the welfare base at your own demise. Maybe you should look at the up to date illiteracy rates in cities such as Birmingham and compare them with the illiteracy rate in the metro area. You are pandering to a bunch of people who can’t read that is third generation welfare while at the same time alienating the people who can read that can afford a paper who cares about what is going on in the world around them. It is funny to watch and it is not a hard problem to solve.

Hey gay people, you’re in the same company as criminals!

But at least you’re being pandered to by The News!

Sadly, you can’t appreciate that because The News only panders to illiterates, not racist, classist, homophobic assholes who think they are the only ones who can read.

Better luck next time, gay bros.

And now 3UA, who is responding to a long post by some other dude that I will summarize as such: The News is not doing well because they are stupid and here’s a long list why.

Best post of the day Mt. BrookSubversive. The only thing you missed was the almost hatred the News Editorial Board has towards anyone that does not go along with the most Liberal of Liberal agendas. Most of those who write them, have never had a job outside the Newspaper Business, or being a Professor soaked forever in idealistic propoganda.

A JOB IN THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS IS NOT A JOB!

Meanwhile, Robertos is that guy.

Joey Kennedy is great, but The Birmingham News was doomed when they hired a barner editor. When they started the constant barnerism, in an area that is 70% Bama fans, their fate was sealed.

I AM UNABLE TO DIFFERENTIATE THAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS JUST A GAME AND MAY NOT AND DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT PLAY A DECISIVE ROLE IN ONE’S ADULT LIFE AND I ASSUME ALL OTHERS ARE IMMATURE JACKASSES LIKE ME AND THIS IS THE CAUSE OF YOUR FINANCIAL PROBLEMS BECAUSE I AM AN ASSHOLE.

RTR!

Other commenters, like Illusion71, were more upset about the pee-colored abomination that is al.com’s new redesign.

This website is horrid. Looks like Helen Keller designed it!

GET IT CAUSE BLIND PEOPLE CAN’T SEE AND THEREFORE THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO BRIGHT PRIMARY COLORS WAIT WHAT—

Meanwhile, Creole C. has let everyone who hates the redesign know at least 70 times per post that they should just make RSS feeds and read al.com that way. No, really, I think he has posted this 70 times on each post on which someone complains about the new site design.

By the way, I have no idea what the beginning of this post was about because I couldn’t find the comment to which it was responding for some reason.

unixguy-
You of all people should care less. Roll your own. Very easy with RSS feeds. Use My Yahoo or something similar as a customizable front page. Goodbye yellow and ads. Bad pictures. In fact unixguy you just volunteered to help me get folks started. We are not the customers of al.com, we are the audience. So let us setup our displays how we want. I can assist but I am guessing you can tell me about it. I am solid on unix/linux, but I am old.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE YOUR OWN RSS FEEDS OR I’LL HAVE TO POST IT AGAIN IT’S SO EASY WE’LL LEAD THE REVOLUTION AGAINST TO LIBERATE THIS PRODUCT I CONSUME I’M OLD.

Single-parenting causes The Gay, and other children’s tales

We’ll get to that particular gem in a moment, but let’s set things up. As you may have recalled last month, President Obama finally came out and made his grand proclamation that, “Gay marriage? Yeah, I guess I’m OK with that if I have to be.” So, al.com posted a story on it, and well, you kind of hope these al.commenters don’t have gay family members.

Let’s start with 13NCrow, primarily because 13NCrow has posted a variation of this oh-so-clever comment several times:

Most Demosodomycrats posting here can’t wait until the next election so they can vote for Patricia Todd for governor.

You see, Rep. Patricia Todd is a Democrat and an openly gay legislator from Birmingham. And Democrats like gay people, and Patricia Todd, a gay people, is a Democrat. And gay people commit the sodomy in 13NCrow’s definition, so therefore the Democrats are Demosodomycrats (clever!), and they want to elect Patricia Todd governor so she can spread the gay and the sodomy. Because all gays and Democrats are only about sticking the sex things in foreign orifices, and thus seek to enact policies to that effect.

I know! It was so clever that it was hard for me to follow too at first.

Meanwhile, reader Foghorn1 is not happy with the Mitt Romney gay bullying allegations and thinks the Muslims are to blame.

If only he could spell “Muslim.”

Among other things.

The man, (name never reviled), was a made up contrive by a democrat in the White House. Fact: The mans sister said there was no way this happened or she would have remembered the facts. Mr. Romney does not recall anything of such happening. You, crimsonstaff are purging another lie of the Democrats. Learn the facts, of which you often fail to do, before you comment. I am a history buff, and many things are not covered in the modern history books, including the civil rights movement in Alabama in the 1960′s, so I ead the Bible for fill in to some of the harsness of todays malacies. The people that wrote the Bible were ordained to do so, the people that wrote the history of the 1960,s, wrote for a paycheck, not the historical value. I will not argue the Bible, but I will argue the history books. I am no musulem, but a Christian. I beleive in my Bible as the Musulems do in there Koran. My faith don’t allow me to deter from the Biblical truth. What is your faith tought you?

Before you make any judgments: There’s a lot going on with Foghorn1, as he wrote on a story about a man attempting to rob a disabled person.

Well, I’m legaly disabled due to a stroke. I still carry, and just waiting for an S>O>B> like this one to try to rob me. I use a stick to walk, but an expert shot! I can’t run, so I’m faced with using. I know the dangers in this city, but, I also know the problems they have in Boston, Miami, San Francisco, Washington D.C. and the great Ne Oleans. As a former boy scout, I use the moto BE PREPAIRED. BTW, I shoot to kill. +10 is better than 6. As I see it, most of the States problems are the politicly correct, and everyone thinks they know beter than anyone else. I don’t judge lest it affects me. This post is not judgement, it is fact. I leave you with the thought, Do you want to attact me? You don’t know who I am. Take your chance. Again, no bluff, just fact.

Again, that’s no judgment. He’s just willing to shoot you dead at any moment.

But yeah, about that treasure of a gay marriage comment from 1BamaNative1.

Bani Longreira, president of the Huntsville chapter of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, treasures time with her son, Ezra, pictured at the center of the photograph she is holding, and his fiance.BARF! And lemme guess, she raised Ezra as a single parent. Telling.

And f— you too, war widows who have children! If you were real Christian women, your husbands wouldn’t have went and got killed for our country and you wouldn’t be forcing the gay straight down our throats! Like a penis!

Demosodomyanalsex69crats!

And now, the end times caused by The Gay.

Starting with the prophet, or, in al.commentariat, “profit” ickthus.

By the way, I think I edited out all of the parts of this post that didn’t enough make sense to post and drive up the word count a little bit more.

Think about that.

Taking God out of everything they can and putting gays in it. In a hand basket , in a hand basket.

… 

The wrath of God is going to shine soon. The Godless, gay, liberals will reap what they have sown. It will shine by His hand and I will witness it. It is the Christian thing to do.

…

I can do civil rights. It is between a man and a woman. No civil right to it. They can live together all day long who cares. Just like the man on the west coast that wants to marry his horse. Marriage is between a man and a woman, Nothing but that is a marriage. If they want to make something up like quanza let them knock themselves out.

Stop piling all your gay in ickthus' handbasket! This isn't Quanza!

“Quanza” of course being the gay version of Kwanzaa. (“Queer” + “Kwanzaa” = “Quanzaa,” but minus the extra “a” CAUSE I AIN’T KNOW GAY… !)

Really sorry they put all those gays in ickthus’ handbasket, though.

Happyday2day‘s take on the end times caused by The Gay.

These are the end times. Try reading the Bible which speaks of times like these. American morality has taken a nosedive. When sin has become acceptable across the board anything goes. People fear religion because it makes them uncomfortable about their own sordid lives. Everyone has a conscience unless they are sociopaths. They can’t stand the guilt so they avoid hearing about right v. Wrong. The truth hurts so I’m sure my comment will be removed. Have a nice (guilt free) day. I will! Signed, heterosexual, happily married, and feeling the joy from loving Jesus.

Thanks for your opinions on how all of us are evil, Cap’n Straight Married Jesus Joy!

Non sequitur overpronouncement of the week

Shockingly, douchebag talkbacks looking for attention are big on hyperbole that has little or nothing to do with the article on which they are commenting. Here’s probably the best I’ve seen this week on a story about how Mayor Sam Jones of Mobile used campaign funds on things on which he probably shouldn’t have used campaign funds.

This comes from Drudge_Report, a commenter who is likely not Matt Drudge.

Maybe.

Mobile is on the path to becoming like Detroit, Prichard, or maybe even Somalia. A 1.5% tax increase, which would be the highest sales tax in the entire nation, will be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Move out while you still have any equity in your home.

So, to be clear: High sales tax = urban ruin of Detroit, which is comparable to Prichard, where the Mobile area keeps much of its poor black people, which because they are black is like Somalia, a poor African country that has been big on the anarchy.

But you know, sell your house! Those boy-pirates who took over the Wintzell’s are going to be back from their raid on Gautier, Mississippi at any moment!

Because of taxes.

Also on that same story, a comment from Taberm on the Press-Register’s quality of reporting that was really, really dedicated to a disturbing metaphor:

here mobile press register…here boy, yeah, that’s a good boy, now roll over on your belly…yeah he’s a pretty newspaper…he likes getting his belly rubbed, wanna be fed boy?…yeah, pretty boy wants to be fed…sit up…beg, beg for it boy…..there ya go boy, its a big bowl of crap, but the newspaper apparently loves the flavor. No need to pay for premium news food when the readers will eat this stuff.

Premium news food is much more expensive than… human feces when you’re just trying to buy the biggest-assed bag of reporter chow you can find down at the Walmart.

Ironic misspeller of the week

Tanker74 has some thoughts on the Birmingham Board of Education that Tanker74 would like to share.

It doesn’t matter what the state recommends. The Birmingham BOE will chose stupid.

I guess they’re just choosen for that kind of job.

Viceroy Hurrrrrrr of the week

usfamsgt gets the honor of being the inaugural leader of the guys who make that completely unnecessary joke for the sake of satisfying the emotion that tells them “HURRRRRRR! LOOK AT ME! I MADE FUNS OF YOU! HURRRR!”

Viceroy Hurrrrrr did unleash his Hurrrrrr upon the colony that Emperor Hurrrrrlong has set aside for him at al.com while posting on a story about preparation for hurricane season.

“Officials urge residents to prepare, keep eyes on warm waters”. I do that every day when taking a shower. Not to hot, not to cold. Just warm.

HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

And finally, this week in racism and killing people because they need killing for some reason: Al and Jesse are everywhere these days

Trend spotting! Because of Trayvon Martin and how some people felt bad for a dead black kid, the al.commentariat are quite big on demanding to know where the Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are whenever a black person does something that is illegal and in the news. This is because these al.commenters believe that black people are creatures who must be restrained because they are small-minded and violent animals, unlike, say, racist white folks who say that black people should be killed and arrested just because they are black.

ALABAMA!

Each of these posts below were on stories about someone getting shot dead or someone doing some kind of killing of a loved one or something.

I could give you more context and links and all of that good stuff, but it’s not going to make these comments any less deplorable or unnerving.

vcmg is happy that a person trying to commit a robbery is dead. He thinks black people disagree.

Good. That’s one less violent criminal on the street. I’m certain he was a good boy.

Eric Holder, Jesse and Al will be sniffing around soon. I hope so. We will have counter demonstrations.

Yeah, prominent black leaders! We’re going to have counter demonstrations! And everyone will show up in white and bring crosses and lighter fluid and everything!

And then maybe we’ll take in a Huntsville Stars game.

And then a trip to Olive Garden.

Whatevs!

200proxl writes in all-caps and we must take 200proxl seriously about a white guy getting attacked or something.

OK, LET’S GET WITH THE PROGRAM. THIS IS A RACIAL CRIME. LET’S PROTEST ALL ACCROSS THE NATION. WHERE IS AL AND JESSE. BELL LET’S MAKE HIS PARENTS HONARARY CITIZENS OF THE CITY. OOPS, SORRY, THIS WAS A WHITE VICTIM AND A BLACK THUG AGAIN.

ALABAMA!

We need a different kind of stupid as brief palate cleanser for all this racism.

OTD?

You all may laugh, But since we the people let the courts take pray out of our schools crime has run amulk.

Not apparently running amulk since they took pray out of schools? Spelling.

Meanwhile, AlphaRaptor is truly racist Trussville Jesus.

This may have been taken from two posts, but honestly they all start to run together after a while.

Typical ___ _____ crackhead!! The ham is full of them!! Too bad the invalid dude didn’t get the drop on him with a .45!

 Did you know that in Birmingham, there is a one chance in 75 that you will be a victim of a crime? In Alabama, that statistic goes to one in 225. In Trussville, it is one in 1000, and Mountain Brook, one in 1765. What is the difference in Trussville and Birmingham? For one, the average household income is much higher in Trussville than Birmingham. Higher income is directly correlated with a higher education. That’s one reason I choose to live in Trussville now!!

Well one thing’s for certain they won’t be serving fried chicken and watermelon on a daily basis in the mess hall where he’s going, more like cold bologna and beans and oatmeal!!

Thanks, racist Trussville Jesus!

And finally, an honest-to-God call for a lynching from Jimbob13.

THERE SHOULD NOT EVEN BE A TRIAL FOR THIS THUG. HANG HIM FROM THE NEAREST TREE AND LET THE CROWS DO AWAY WITH HIS REMAINS. WHERE IS JESSE AND LITTLE AL NOW?

I imagine they will show up to protest — after you carry out your graphically proposed lynching.

Thank you for joining the inaugural edition of al.COMMENTARY.

I am going to go take a shower.

Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can like this blog on Facebook and follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at calalabaster@gmail.com.

The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com.