by Leeds Alabaster
The heart of the Birmingham area lies not in Birmingham itself, but in the vibrant and unique homogeneous suburbs that lie around its edges. Every other week, Reran Tragedy Deputy Intern Leeds Alabaster rounds up news and issues driving the public conversation in Central Alabama’s Better Country.
INDIAN SPRINGS VILLAGE — Residents of Indian Springs say that they are deeply, deeply concerned that their lovely community could become “an unkempt, dangerous hell-pit overnight” following rumors that the Helena Road Walgreen’s in Pelham may stay open 30 minutes later.
The Walgreen’s, about six miles away from Indian Springs, is supposedly contemplating staying open until 10:30 to accomodate customers and interstate travelers. Indian Springs families, however, fret that it could lead to an influx of undesirables.
“Oh my God!” said Dianne Long, 40, a housewife whose 13-year-old son Jeffrey Lee is, by her estimate, “very good at cross-country.” “This is a nice community, not one for certain elements that need pharmaceutical services later than 10 p.m. My God, Jeffrey Lee’s going to have to go to a new school! He may not make their cross-country team!
“Why do good people like us always have to get punished for others’ mistakes?”
“Why do they keep doing this to us? I don’t want my daughter sold for some Zyrtec by some sort of allergy medicine addict from Vestavia Hills looking for a 10:15 p.m. fix!” said Mal Jacobs, 34, a lawyer who commutes to downtown Birmingham each day. “I just can’t keep building new houses further south, and gas for the SUV keeps getting more expensive and — it’s just not right that they’d do something so reckless and evil as leave the store open an extra half-hour after 10 p.m.!
“I am not made of money! Though don’t you dare tell my neighbors that.”
“Where is this supposed ‘demand’ for an extra half hour?” said Dr. Robert Hall, 51, a dermatologist. “This is very suspicious. If they didn’t want us to believe that they were selling illegal RedBox DVDs to Gardendale street gangs, they should have asked us for permission as to whether we would like a Walgreen’s within six miles that stays open that late.”
Residents said this is the most concerned they have been about the safety and health of their community since Alabaster got a Full Moon BBQ.
Suburban Police Blotter: Slight shoving match breaks out following Memorial Day weekend drive-to-neighboring-store auto accident at Summit
Memorial Day weekend shoppers were terrified and somewhat inconvenienced on a hot Sunday when shoppers driving to neighboring stores just feet away from each other at Birmingham’s lovely Summit shopping center crashed their cars and then engaged in a brutally gentle shoving match that police ended by speaking loudly.
Dale Fellows, 33, of Mountain Brook, had just purchased a pair of linen pants at The Summit’s Jos. A. Bank when he entered his car to drive to the Banana Republic store next door to Jos. A. Bank at The Summit. Fellows attempted to pull his BMW through what he thought were two empty parking spaces when another driver in a Honda Civic — heading from Banana Republic to The Summit’s Jos A. Bank — tried doing the same, resulting in the crash.
Soon, the two drivers were lightly shoving each other as other, terrified drivers waiting on them to pull out of the spaces watched.
“It was really humid out, you know, and I didn’t want to really walk all 10 of those feet and end up sweaty and losing my opportunity to get one of those non-iron shirts there I really like,” Fellows said. “After he messed up my car, he started complaining to me about UAB or something and I didn’t like his tone so I tried to grab his Del Costas and then things got pretty physical.”
The other driver, Kite Andrews, 19, of Inverness, said he became “kinda angry, I guess” following the accident, which came as he was driving to check out a pair of seersucker shorts at Jos. A. Bank after buying a lighter-fabric blazer at Banana Republic.
“It was hot, and I was in a super rush to, you know, get to the savings, so I drove,” Andrews said. “And then this dude comes out and knocks out my Civic, and I’m all like, ‘Yo, dude, you nearly got Starbucks on my summer-weight blazer! And next thing you know, he’s grabbed my sunglasses and I had to get my shove on, if you know what I mean.
“Uh, that means I shoved him.”
Despite the violent anarchy, police say that no charges are expected to be filed, though both of the men’s purchases were said to have “looked very nice and tasteful.”
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can like this blog on Facebookand follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com