Every Monday at Reran Tragedy, Editor-in-Chief Cal Alabaster Jr. draws on his considerable experience in Southern politics to round up news, notes, and blatantly pasted-in press releases that readers may have otherwise missed.
HUNTSVILLE — A Huntsville man has been identified by political scientists as the terrifying personification of all that is wrong in American politics.
Carl Hamilton, 31, an engineer who works at an aerospace firm in Huntsville, is the epitome of the hopelessly selfish and feint-chasing occasional voter who helps steer the relentlessly partisan and tragically counterproductive state of politics in the United States.
Because of his ability to understand the complexities of engineering and the intensive work it took for him to reach his position, Hamilton has reduced all problems in politics to inefficiency and a lack of effort by others in society. Much of this view is based on his slightly annoying experience in obtaining a hunting license and Hamilton’s resentment that he “never received any government aid to get where I am,” despite his at position an aerospace corporation and his college studies being funded with federal dollars.
“Everybody is just like me — if some people weren’t lying around screwing all day and eating Doritos, we wouldn’t have any of the problems we have in government today,” Hamilton said, both grossly misstating and oversimplifying several different pieces of the American social and political makeup in a devastatingly idiotic fashion
“I pay taxes and it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me ever,” said Hamilton, ignoring the minor piece of his annual expenses taxes actually make up. “Once we kick all of them off the welfare, they’ll shape up or they’ll die and I can be happy!”
Obviously, his dissatisfaction with government—paired with his belief cemented throughout his coddled existence that only white households male-female parental pairings are desirable—have led him to be a strict conservative. He says that he only votes for candidates based on their perceived levels of “conservativeness,” despite any other problems that exist.
“If they’ve been associating or voting with a Democrap, how do we know they’re not converting you? You have to be the most conservative of the conservatives in conservativeness or else you might as well be dead to me,” Hamilton said, offering a pathetically naive comment on how politics should work.
“It’s just like the Alabama and Auburn rivalry,” said Hamilton, horrifying anyone with a sophisticated understanding of the American political system into a catatonic state. “You can’t do anything else but believe your side is right about anything. If you’re not hoping that the other side doesn’t get their face rammed into a steel guard rail, then what’s the point of having sides? And the most important thing in all of government is that we have sides and the Democraps are always wrong.”
Hamilton could perhaps be exposed to new ideas of how the world works through the media, but he has carefully managed his consumption of news to prevent anything but further calcification of his short-sighted views. His morning and afternoon commutes are spent tuned in exclusively to conservative talk radio.
“You’ve got to be aware of how the liberal is out to get us and that government is full of frauds, liars and whores except the ones that are Republican,” Hamilton said. “All the yelling shows they’re right, plus it’s good to be reminded that all discrimination doesn’t exist since I am not aware of any and that anyone who claims it does is just whining for a handout.”
During breaks at work, he browses conservative blogs and message boards, chasing imaginary issues sloppily assembled from pure bullshit. This week, he said he is very fired up about “Barack Hussein Obama bowing to black Muslim kids so he can put them in charge as Super-Czars so they can take our guns for the U.N.”
When he does visit mainstream media websites, he mainly does so just to leave complaints in the comments sections about how the facts stated in news stories do not conform to his views of the world.
“How can you not mention that the reason this liquor store was robbed was because their parents are on welfare?” Hamilton recently wrote in response to a video on Huntsville CBS affiliate WHNT 19′s site. “Maybe if you weren’t so obsessed making law-breakers and illegals look good you could actually report the news!”
The South was well represented in political scientists’ findings. A white, upper-class Tennessee woman who discovered while going to college out of the state that the poor and minorities are often mistreated in society came a close second behind Hamilton.
She could not be reached for comment because she was too busy posting on the liberal blogging community Daily Kos. She wrote about why she planned on voting for a fringe third-party candidate for president “as far left away from Repugnican as possible” this fall because President Obama “has not ended all wars and went door-to-door giving out free weed and books on gay parenting” to inner-city residents to immediately solve their problems.
State’s three largest newspapers to publish one news story a week starting this fall
Due to massive cutbacks and operational changes, Alabama’s three biggest newspapers — The Birmingham News, The Huntsville Times and the Mobile Press-Register — will be limited to publishing one actual news story per week starting this fall, leaders from the Newhouse family’s Advance Publications, which manages the three papers, announced last week.
Advance also announced last week that it would cut back print publication of the papers to three days a week.
Late last week, the company announced that due to staff cutbacks it would only publish one news story per week in those editions of the paper, though it was unclear at press time whether each newspaper would get one story a week or that story would be split among the three separate newspapers. On print days where the one story is not published, the four-page broadsheets will largely be filled with big pictures about Alabama or Auburn football and NASCAR, as well as content selections by al.com’s notoriously racist moron commenters.
The changes should be “nearly seamless” compared to the recent state of the seven-days-a-week papers that Advance publishes now, company sources said.
To carry out the changes, Advance will lay off 99.5% of the present staffs of the newspapers.
Advance leaders say they are confident that Alabamians will not miss the information they need to navigate through the day, with much of that material being routed exclusively to the company’s confusing, Geocities-esque website that is the same color as beer piss.
This week in Alabama history
On June 1, 1856, the NAACP was banned from operating in Alabama.
Because being elitist, racist assholes never goes out of style in Alabama politics.
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can like this blog on Facebook and follow it on Twitter @ReranTragedy. You can reach the blog’s author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com