For some reason, Reran Tragedy Editor-in-Chief has decided to share his amazing knowledge of Southern politics with you on demand, starting with today’s first mailbag feature. You can ask questions of Cal by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org, messaging him @KingCockfight on Twitter or posting questions on the Reran Tragedy Facebook page.
Today, Cal announces a hiatus from Weld that starts today, takes on the Satanic pancake lobby, and generally encourages some people to die in an acid bath.
Terry Hughston (via Twitter): “Is there any hope for progressives in Alabama that doesn’t involve a free weekend and a U-haul truck?”
Other than leaving, they could also die.
Anonymous (via email): “Why has Senator Bussman dropped his support of his own Family Rights bill in favor of a version written by the Alabama Bar? [Some allegations that would be just a touch libelous to print here without the extra effort I am unwilling to expend.] Inquiring minds want to know.”
While I don’t know who our emailer is and could not discern much from a very generic address, this appears to be tied into efforts by a group called the Alabama Family Rights Association to pass a version of a child custody bill that, based on the information on their website, would do away with the “best interest of the child” standard that underpins much of family law in the United States to satisfy angry divorced parents. Which would probably be why the Alabama Bar stepped in to, you know, make sure a basic principle of law wasn’t eliminated because of the sad but seemingly unavoidable unpleasantness of parents having to stump for custody rights in court.
That being said, the answer to all Paul Bussman questions involves Zeb Little spending too much time with his kids, so there.
Robert Glasgow (via Facebook): “Pancakes or waffles?”
Pancakes are for the freeloading hippie homosexuals and degrading the American dream—as evidenced by the sin temples known as the International House of Pancakes that have roosted on American soul like so many tiny U.N. embassies, quietly raping the American dream out of our children’s skulls 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Waffles, however, are America. They keep the sticky sin of maple syrup in tiny square abstinence cabins of religious liberty. They may be perverted with almonds, but they remain pure, sunny, and easily formed into a deliciously amazing breakfast sandwich with minimal effort.
And their patron saint is the Waffle House, a place where you can meet as many real Americans and hear about their anti-Mexican militia camp up the street virtually any time of the day.
And if that ain’t America, then you are an omnisexual Muslim atheist who is an enemy of this country that we should deport to the poor part of the Moon.
Terry Weems (via Twitter): “do you want to say that my face bitch?”
Weems (via Twitter, again): “I will give you the chance to say the words you type to my face. Are you man enough to do it?”
“Toffler from Montgomery” (via email): “WHY ARE YOU HELPING SPID [sic] SAGINAW BY PUBLISHING HIS WORDS? HE IS A BAD LEGISLATOR AND YOU SHOULD BE HELPING PEOPLE VOTE AGAINST HIM AND NOT GIVING HIM PUBLICITY WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? WE GOT TO VOTE HIM OUT.”
Because black people from Shelby County are such a rarity, and we need to do more to let people come and stare at the unique attractions of the Birmingham area.
Well, the whiter part of the Birmingham area, at least.
Anonymous (totally made up via email): “Why don’t you reveal your face coward? We demand to be able to see who we are reading gay thoughts about!”
Great question! Well, you see, I would have loved to have posted a picture of me to go with each one of my fine, pro-Southern writings here, but the folks at Weld have told me that I could not do so because the injuries I suffered from my car accident are just too horrifying for most of our gentle readers.
I am actually about to go on a prolonged break from my writings here to have surgery to repair some of my ongoing ailments!
But because you asked, I finally convinced Weld to let me run a photo of myself, despite the injuries. I warn you, my scarred and brutally damaged face is more than a touch horrifying to look at:
Thanks for the questions!
See you when I see you!
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can like this blog on Facebook.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com. You can also follow Cal on Twitter @KingCockfight or email Cal at email@example.com.