Every week at Reran Tragedy, Editor-in-Chief Cal Alabaster Jr. draws on his considerable experience in Southern politics to round up news, notes, and blatantly pasted-in press releases that readers may have otherwise missed.
MONTGOMERY — Influential Washington conservative anti-tax activist Grover Norquist gave Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley a treat this week to reward Bentley for his pledge to Norquist not to raise taxes despite Alabama’s massive budget shortfalls.
“Hey there! Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?” Norquist said as an excited Bentley sprinted down the stairs of the Governor’s Mansion to put his paws on his shoulders and lick his face. “Who’s the freaking governor of a state who takes orders from a bearded anti-tax guy who lives a 1,000 miles away from Alabama and doesn’t have any grasp of its unique funding needs? You are! You are!”
“Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!” Bentley barked as Norquist fed him a MilkBone and promised not to work against him in the 2014 GOP gubernatorial primary. “Ruff! Ruff! Rerreeererrrrrrrrreerrr.”
As a result of huge gaps in Alabama’s already ill-advisedly lopsided tax system, the state will likely gash its social safety net programs, including huge reductions in Medicaid and disability care that could potentially result in the actual loss of lives.
“Who’s probably gonna campaign on standing up to Washington insiders when he runs for re-election but ignore the fact that he bowed down to an actual Washington insider like the good dog he is?” Norquist asked while rubbing Bentley’s belly. “Who’s a good hypocrite? You are! You are!”
“Arooroooroooroooo!” Bentley replied.
Additionally, Bentley’s pledge could effectively halt efforts by the state to help bankrupt Jefferson County sustain itself. A lawyer with the county, which initiated the largest municipal bankruptcy ever last year, has raised the possibility of dissolving the county government unless its finances improve to a sustainable level.
“Who’s having his staff go around the state and asking people for suggestions on how to raise fees instead of taxes because he’s such a useless, wet noodle of a leader that he knows he cannot stand lose even the tiniest bit of political capital with his base even to do what his state needs to do to run a goddamn state?” Norquist asked, feeding Bentley one last MilkBone and rubbing behind his ears. “Now stay! Stay and don’t raise taxes! Stay!”
Norquist then left the Governor’s Mansion, but left the radio on to keep Bentley company while he was gone.
Meanwhile, Bentley, as he has for much of his administration, waited for another Republican with actual gumption to tell him what to do and let him out of the Mansion to pee.
Alabama Democrats excited their ‘never get elected again’ strategy appears to be working
Alabama Democrats say they are excited and pleased to see that what they call their “never get elected again” strategy to regaining control of state government is going swimmingly thus far.
Democratic members of the House lunched last week with Milton McGregor, the gambling hall owner who helped plunge several Democratic leaders into a vote-buying trial that played a major role in Democrats losing the Legislature for the first time in 136 years.
The party also essentially cashed out for this year’s Supreme Court races, putting up no candidate for one seat and nominating for chief justice Harry “Chocolate Genocide” Lyon, a perennial candidate who was once shot after allegedly pouring chocolate syrup on a neighbor’s car and once at least joked about committing genocide of illegal immigrants so they would not blow up the Galleria.
Even Democratic Party Chairman Mark Kennedy got into the stupidity effort late last month, taking to Facebook for some reason to accuse Republicans of forcing the state to pay for proposed mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds prior to abortions based on pure freaking make-believe.
The post incompetently raised an issue upon which Democrats have made gains with women nationally, but did so a month after it had petered out in Alabama. It also idiotically attempted to out-conservative Republicans on an issue upon which Democrats cannot beat them politically.
In short, it summed up everything wrong with the Alabama Democratic Party’s present political “strategy.”
“Mission accomplished,” Kennedy said. “We want to be known as the party doesn’t even know what the hell is going on in our state even as it relates to issues Democrats are known for nationally.”
The strategy may seem unusual given that political parties usually try to win elections. But Kennedy said that since voters, donors and elected leaders who are white and conservative enough to make the jump have abandoned the party for Republicans after decades of corrupt and inept Democratic leaders, the party has to try something new.
“Of course, neither I nor anybody working here is smart enough to figure out what that new thing is,” Kennedy said. “So we’re just going to reverse psychology people into voting for us. That won’t work, but I think we’ll get stickers. And black voters with nowhere else to go. Two great things!”
But the party’s efforts do not stop at mere natural incompetence. It plans an ad campaign over the six months reminding Alabama voters of political travesties for which Democrats have been responsible, including segregation, the two-year college corruption scandal and the first gubernatorial administration of Fob James.
“We want to remind Alabamians we’re the party of George Wallace and Don Siegelman,” Kennedy said. “And sure those people have either been accused of corruption or perpetrated segregation, but hey, they’re our history and unfortunately our boosters are people who paid for them, they ain’t dead yet and all the young politicians are going Republican because they like overrated, non-Alabama things such as success.
“So, we felt like it was good to step back and remind Alabama voters that we treated the state like a filthy whore who actually paid us for unpleasant, selfish sex for more than a century, and that if they were to elect us once more, we’ll do it again!”
After 136 straight years of frustrating apathy toward their problems by Democratic legislative majority after Democratic legislative majority, Alabama voters are just enjoying the attention they get from GOP legislators’ bloody slashing of the joke Alabamians are forced to call a state government.
Because of that, Kennedy said he knows his party has an uphill battle in 2014, but he remains confident that they might possibly fare better at the polls than the Alabama Marijuana Party.
This week in Alabama history
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South. You can like this blog on Facebook.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com. You can also follow Cal on Twitter @KingCockfight or email Cal at email@example.com.