Every week at Reran Tragedy, Editor-in-Chief Cal Alabaster Jr. draws on his considerable experience in Southern politics to round up news, notes, and blatantly pasted-in press releases that readers may have otherwise missed.
After an election night in which the strictest of partisans were left wondering what they were thinking, the state’s voters say they are happy they could made themselves look as backwards, easily manipulated and stupid as expected with all eyes on the state because of a tightly contested, important presidential primary.
Alabama Republican voters elevated Roy “THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!” Moore as their chief justice nominee without a runoff despite him being removed the job for not following the law, the primary function of the position. While Rick “THINGS AIN’T MAKE-BELIEVE NO SEX LIKE THEY USED TO BE” Santorum was not necessarily a surprising winner of the state’s GOP presidential primary, his victory was likely driven by empty-calorie social issues—not economic reforms—and led up to by wild, facepalm-worthy comments by the state’s paranoid, out-of-touch voters in the national press. Accordingly, the way the Santorum campaign secured its victory underscored that Alabamian voters are immature children more interested in chasing feints than the real problems that government can affect.
Meanwhile, the ectoplasm-covered remains of the Alabama Democratic Party chose Harry “Chocolate Genocide” Lyon as their chief justice nominee. Lyon will be placed the Democratic ticket directly below President Obama.
Harold Oak, 47, of Corner, said he was delighted the state found itself on the national political stage last week, then as expected, urinated on itself while everyone watched.
“Real, real proud,” Oak said. “Especially my governor, who said he felt that [Mitt] Romney‘s Mormonism was gonna hurt him in ‘Bama. While it might be true, saying that in public was so very uncalled for and it made us look like a buncha damned bigots, but y’all know that all them Mormons and they lesbian wives are goin’ to Planet Hell when they die because they believe absurd things like not drinking caffeine insteada just virgin births and walkin’ on water.
“Just like Gov. [Robert] Bentley said, you ain’t a real Christian, you ain’t comin’ to Heaven with us.”
Sherry Hill, a 26-year-old mother of two living in Clanton, said she was extraordinarily happy that those who came out to Monday’s presidential forum in Birmingham incorrectly asserted to NPR that the president is a Muslim and not qualified to be president because his father was foreign born.
“That’s the kind of xenophobia and probable racism that people have come to expect out of Alabama and that makes me proud to live here,” she said. “Heck, I voted Democrat last week just so I could write ‘NOT THIS MUSLIM WIFE-RAPER’ over Obama’s name and then check ‘not committed.’ I then added after ‘not committed’ ‘EXCEPT TO MY WHITE HUSBAND YOU ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT MUSLIM WIFE-RAPING FRAUD.’”
“Plus, I was giddy to hear about what good ol’ Harry Lyon’s been up to after I voted for him,” Hill said. “If I knew he wanted to hang all the immigranazis so they won’t blow up the Galleria, I’d been positively glowing when I refused to answer questions from that black exit poller.
“That Harry Lyon has a good head on his shoulders—unlike those immigrants will if he ever gets a crack at them as law governor!”
Lyon will probably never get that crack, at least as chief justice. He is expected to lose handily in November to Moore, who won his party’s nomination after making a point of riding his horse to the polls on Tuesday morning.
Marcus Bowden, 62, of Wetumpka, said that he is happy to have Moore back.
“I can’t quite tell you what the Supreme Court does, but I know in my heart where only Jesus and my Tide live that Roy Moore is the Rosa Parks of it, except without all that uppity blackness,” he said. “And unlike Rosa Parks and other lawyers, he ain’t tryin’ to queer up none of our boys—he’s just tryin’ to make sure that law that he done supposed to make or somethin’ is forced on people in white Christian ways, since they don’t none have any of the power anymore.
“Sure, my boys ain’t got no jobs and I’m complain’ all the time to the fellers that none of our leaders got no standards or professionalism,” Bowden said. “But when it comes to the polls, I want me a real man who tells me things are gon’ be Jesus like they used to be because I reckon the rest will figure itself out if we just make governmental choices based on big feelins’ and base instincts.
“Glad to see no matter how bad voting like that looks to all these pinheads who ain’t from here, my state agrees with me.”
BCA, AEA prepare for epic genital comparison over charter schools
The heads of Alabama’s two most powerful interest groups said they are excited that they have an opportunity to trivialize needed improvements to public education in Alabama by turning the debate over charter schools into a prolonged contest over which group has the largest and most potent metaphorical political genitalia.
The Business Council of Alabama, the powerful, pro-Republican and pro-corporation business group, backs Gov. Bentley’s charter schools proposal. On the other side is the Alabama Education Association—still a presence in Alabama politics despite fading with the Republican majority’s rise in 2010—who oppose the measure because it could mean the loss of jobs for some of the teachers that make up its union.
“I think it’s evident that the log of love we’ve got down our pants puts all the lovely ladies in a trance,” said Bill Canary, executive director and president of BCA. “With Republicans on our side, what we say is gonna happen in education in Alabama from now on. If you’re looking for a more impressive set of metaphorical political genitals, you’re not going to be seeing any other because of our highly effective, business-friendly political junk.”
AEA’s leader, however, begs to differ.
“We’re packing heat that can’t be beat where we keep our meat,” said Henry Mabry, AEA’s executive director. “Sure, losing the Legislature to Republicans hurts us, but look what we did in the gubernatorial election. We took out their little anti-AEA champion and then made them elect the guy they didn’t want because we put out some ads that said the champion didn’t what like evolution. The votes may seem against us, but we know what we are doing, and we will deal a major league salami slapdown for anyone who doubts that we have a Megatron mama-maker down there in our political pants.
“Besides, it’s not like kids or anybody’s gonna get hurt if this little bit of penile show-and-tell goes ugly, correct?”
State’s surviving liberals overdose on schadenfreude over Beason loss
Political conservationists were deeply saddened this week when they learned that most of Alabama’s surviving liberals died of instant and extreme schadenfreude overdose after Gardendale Sen. Scott Beason‘s landslide defeat by incumbent Rep. Spencer Bachus of Vestavia Hills in the 6th Congressional District GOP primary.
Beason sponsored the state’s harsh new immigration law last year. He also earned the ire of his own party after defense attorneys unearthed audio of him calling black Alabamians “aborigines” and plotting how to subvert their votes as part of recordings he voluntarily made as part of a failed federal public corruption prosecution. During his weak and almost nonexistent campaign, he also bragged about single-handedly preventing the enactment of a tax in Jefferson County that could have staved off the largest municipal bankruptcy in American history.
Thus, when Beason lost by a two-to-one margin last Tuesday, even losing his own precinct in Gardendale, the schadenfreude wave released upon his critics was immense. While they were delighted, the state’s few remaining liberals were too weak to handle it after seeing confirmation in Tuesday night’s primaries that their political voice is nonexistent in the state.
Many were found in pools of their own drool murmuring, “Yeah, go and cry to your two Minutemen buddies, you sanctimonious little turd.”
The writers and commenters at liberal-people-from-Huntsville blog Left in Alabama have not been heard from since Tuesday night, with most fearing the worst after the site’s frontpage was replaced with an oversized photo of a smiley face biting its lip.
This week in Alabama history
Dealing with financial problems in 1872, the Methodist Church turned over East Alabama Male College’s campus to the state, a move that eventually formed the first land-grant college in Alabama. In 1960, the school that had first been known as the Agricultural and Mechanical College of Alabama, then the Alabama Polytechnic Institute was renamed Auburn University.
And at one point back in the 1870s, a dollar was put in a bank account in a tree, and that dollar got the interest, and that interest was put in a bag until it turned into $180,000, and then it was given to Cecil Newton to pay for his son Cam to play football for Gene Cheezepants. So the trees were the bagman and that’s why they done had to die!
Imma gonna hang up and lissen.
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com. You can also follow Cal on Twitter @KingCockfight or email Cal at firstname.lastname@example.org.