Many things can happen during the legislative session—sometimes even legislating!
To avoid voters missing out on stories about their legislators that they might have missed, Reran Tragedy provides the following handy digest of this week’s legislative “activity.”
-Gov. Robert Bentley and leading legislative Republicans introduced their plan to legalize charter schools in Alabama, setting up a fight with the Alabama Education Association over allowing local officials to deregulate some schools to create more options in public K-12 education.
Some local school officials, overexcited about the news, decided to get rid of “useless regulations saying that failing schools cannot be on fire” despite the bill having not passed yet.
-The House had a lengthy debate on, but did not pass, a bill that would allow private companies to hire prison labor. Supporters say the bill is needed because Alabama has seen a shortfall of people to unfairly scapegoat for a lack of jobs here since the passage of its tough new immigration law last session.
-Meanwhile, in response to Mississippi’s House of Representatives passing its own controversial immigration law on Thursday, several key legislators got together to draft a response bill to one-up Alabama’s neighbor by banning illegal immigrants from having any body whatsoever. They issued a press release saying that the bill needs to be passed to secure Alabama’s place as “No. 1 in discriminating and legally trying to make immigrants’ lives as disgusting and difficult as possible.”
-No, AEA, you don’t get to sue away dumb tax incentives just because some state money might be spent on your constituents. That’s stupid. Yes, the state doesn’t have the money and tax incentives are practically being used to fill in potholes here at this point, but going about it this way is stupid. Please move on.
-The Senate passed a resolution celebrating Alabamians excellent parenting skills in response to the release of an Auburn University study that found that Southern youth’s sexual health is the worst in the nation.
-A majority of the lawmakers in the House took a moment to extend a middle finger to Alabama Arise in response to the organization’s annual call for cutting the grocery tax while closing tax loopholes paid by Alabama’s richest, then passed a resolution complaining that “poor people need to spend more of the money they don’t have on political donations if they do not want to have more of their income devoured by the barest costs of living.”
-The House passed a bill modernizing the state’s computer crimes statute, primarily to remove all the language about how machines must be destroyed because they will eventually rise up against everyone in Cullman County, though the original law’s broad exception for “sex robots that comply with Blue Laws” is expected to be preserved.
-The Senate passed a bill extending the Alabama Beverage Control Board’s existence for another year, despite them being bastards.
-To mark Sen. Scott Beason‘s thumping by U.S. Rep. Spencer Bachus in Tuesday’s 6th District Republican primary, several members approached Beason during the day and told him it would be OK if he were to cry on their shoulder and share his most embarrassing fears about the future, neglecting to mention that they were wearing recording devices.
-Legislators moved quickly to respond to reports of an ape loose in Hale County, banning the state from entering into transactions with the ape, requiring the ape to show identification before voting and, just for the heck of it, passing a constitutional amendment barring ape-human marriage.
Unfortunately, several white legislators had not heard of the news story and just thought it was “finally cool again” to use a pejorative version of the word “ape.”
This led to some awkward moments.
-The House passed a bill allowing entertainment districts where people can drink from open containers in public, though a last-minute amendment by deeply concerned social conservatives required that those open containers must be gravy boats.
As if that’s going to stop them.
-The House passed a bill banning school bus drivers from making cell phone calls while driving, except during emergencies.
Legislators, however, were quite concerned when the head of the Alabama Association of Freaky Old School Bus Operators, or ALAFOBO, said his constituents were quite happy with the bill because it “allows them to focus on their porn.”
The bill now goes to the Senate.
-Nothing improved in any way whatsoever.
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com. You can also follow Cal on Twitter @KingCockfight or email Cal at firstname.lastname@example.org.