All this week, Reran Tragedy is profiling power and prying into potential avenues of future employment by compiling Editor-in-Chief Cal Alabaster Jr.’s Top 30 Most Republican and Influential Leaders Who Are Mostly Republicans That the Author Would Like to Work for One Day. The top five will be printed in the March 15 edition of Weld.
Pooling his resources as a former College Republicans president, Alabaster has surveyed the opinions of current College Republicans who have met enough people who work in politics that they consider themselves political insiders. Based on who they think is important in Alabama politics, we have ranked them based on their perceived influence, including the all-important thoughts of College Republicans on why the person is and is not a great Alabama politician.
You can view rankings 30 to 26 here and rankings 25 to 21 here. Today, we look at how one man can have multiple avenues of influence in Alabama politics and the future version of that man. Also, they make me talk about black people.
Enjoy learning who you are supposed to believe are kings and queens of your state’s political scene from Alabama’s totally No. 1 source of all insider political news! I’m relevant!
20. Jeff Sessions Personality #504: The Probably Racist Innkeeper
Alternate Personality of Influential Alabamian United States Senator
One of the many and steadfastly Republican personalities of U.S. Sen. Jeff Sessions, this kindly old innkeeper frequently allows pro-life and anti-debt leaders and colleagues take shelter in his rooms. Those who are allowed shelter are a unique and influential fraternity in the intersection of Washington and Alabama’s power elite. The Innkeeper played a key role in shaping Sessions’ opposition message to Obamacare, noting that while he would happily give shelter to a pregnant mother in hopes that she is birthing the next Christ child, he feels that the will of Christ would power through that mother’s lack of prenatal care. Like most of Sessions’ personalities, hearing him speak leaves you with the distinct impression that he uses the word “colored” in a way that most black folks wouldn’t like.
What College Republican insiders say: “Inns are boss!”
19. Jeff Sessions Personality #207: The Probably Racist Little Girl with Leukemia
Alternate Personality of Influential Alabamian United States Senator
One of the many and steadfastly Republican personalities of U.S. Sen. Jeff Sessions, this little girl with a soft temperament despite her cruel and quite terminal case of childhood leukemia has become an influential and important part of the health care debate nationally. Despite her young years, she was the driving force in Sessions’ push for Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan to recuse herself from this month’s argument on Obamacare because of the important legal principle of “Having once met and spent time working for President Barack Hussein Obama.” She has also been a sharp conservative voice in the push to repeal Obamacare, frequently asserting, “I know I’m going to die cold, in so much pain, and alone while my mommy and daddy are at dinner, but I wouldn’t want my parents to have the government tell them they have to buy health insurance to cover my medical expenses.” Like most of Sessions’ personalities, hearing her speak leaves you with the distinct impression that she uses the word “colored” in a way that most black folks wouldn’t like.
What College Republican insiders say: “Unlike other sick little girls, she doesn’t make people want to spend money to make the world better. As a young Republican, I appreciate that.”
18. Luther Strange
Alabama Attorney General and Really Tall Lawyer with the Name of a DC Comics Supervillain
Alabama Attorney Luther Strange, seen here commuting to a meeting on his office's probe into former Agriculture Commissioner Ron Sparks.
Given that I don’t like blaspheming Christ and his role in writing the Constitution that much, I can honestly say I don’t “get” what lawyers do. But Luther Strange is a good fellow, and despite doing an unknowable job to most politicians, he was an influential insider and lobbyist long enough that he has the influence to get things done. If you’re a legislator who’s going do something controversial, you better have him on your side since it’s not like it’s his job or anything to defend the state in court as its primary lawyer. It’s totally not like he’d just have to stomach it and defend a terribly written piece of crap lawmaking that’s unfortunately the legislation for which this generation of Alabama legislators is going to be remembered. Plus he can subpoena people and sue people and stuff, powers I’m sure he’s going to do use for the most good. And by “most good,” I mean do stuff like the BP suit that he has to do, then extend a legal finger toward Democrats, either to the Obama administration or to do an intensive exam of an uncomfortable place for Alabama Democrats. Given that Jeff Sessions once did the same job, you can expect Luther Strange to be the next Jeff Sessions, and I’m not just saying that to suck up to him. Much!
Oh, did I mention that Luther is really tall?
What College Republican insiders say: ”Tall bro is tall! Up top! Wait… too tall…!”
17. Jeff Sessions Personality #616: The Amazing, Probably Racist Spider-Sessions
Alternate Personality of Influential Alabamian United States Senator
One of the many and steadfastly Republican personalities of U.S. Sen. Jeff Sessions, this radioactivity-powered teenager learned the hard way that with great power, comes great responsibility. In a moment of hubris, he let a criminal escape who later killed the uncle that served as his surrogate father after the disappearance of his parents. Since then, he has used this responsibility-focused philosophy to passionately argue against the continued existence of entitlement programs. Thanks to the escalating tone of the Republican presidential race toward cutting and banning everything and the reboot of the “Spider-Man” film franchise later this year, he has taken on greater prominence of late. Like most of Sessions’ personalities, hearing him speak leaves you with the distinct impression that he uses the word “colored” in a way that most black folks wouldn’t like.
What College Republican insiders say: “I would love Spider-Sessions more if he was raised in a traditional household. A child is best raised in an environment with two parents of the opposite sex, and marriage is supposed to be between a man and woman, not an aunt and uncle! I’m sure Sessions Prime would agree!”
16. Black People
Unknowable Political Influencers
Though this list is supposed to focus on important people, the liberal metalworking intermeddlers at Weld have point out that I need to add some actual diversity on this list, despite the lack of voice that the black community has in Alabama politics at the moment since they were so closely intertwined with Alabama Democrat Party. So, there are apparently some black people still involved in Alabama politics in some way I guess. I hear there may be some in the Bentley administration. I don’t really know of many in elected positions. And I don’t think there has been any plan to disenfranchise them. So maybe we’ll eventually hear from them again, unless there problems have magically gone away like I suspect in their absence from political prominence.
What College Republican insiders say: “Herman Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain! Wait, why is that something I shout?”
Tomorrow: Shocks! Surprises! And Richard Shelby with a big bag of money!
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com. You can also follow Cal on Twitter @KingCockfight or email Cal at king.cockfight@gmail.com.
