All this week, Reran Tragedy is profiling power and prying into potential avenues of future employment by compiling Editor-in-Chief Cal Alabaster Jr.’s Top 30 Most Republican and Influential Leaders Who Are Mostly Republicans That the Author Would Like to Work for One Day. The top five will be printed in the March 15 edition of Weld.
Pooling his resources as a former College Republicans president, Alabaster has surveyed the opinions of current College Republicans who have met enough people who work in politics that they consider themselves political insiders. Based on who they think is important in Alabama politics, we have ranked them based on their perceived influence, including the all-important thoughts of College Republicans on why the person is and is not a great Alabama politician.
You can view rankings 30 to 26 here. Today, our list profiles some up-and-comers in Alabama politics as well as David Bronner, who unfortunately has some influence left in Montgomery. We’ll fix that soon, though!
Enjoy learning who you are supposed to believe are kings and queens of your state’s political scene from Alabama’s totally No. 1 source of all insider political news! Clearly, the attention this list is getting is a turning point for this six-week-old blog!
25. Shadrack McGill
State Senator and Tireless Baby Defender
Shadrack McGill made big waves in 2010 by defeating longtime Democrat powerhouse Lowell Barron by being the Republican on the ballot against him that year. Since then, he has made headlines by deftly articulating God’s clear pay preference for Republican legislators over soul-less schoolteachers. He has also shown clear commitment to Republican values, doubling down on regressive social issues and getting snippy with constituents for not caring about the things he can reasonably affect, such as state spending. Clearly, he is one to watch and not at all a bad excuse of a legislator!
What College Republican insiders say: “He’s got a mad wicked soul patch just like me. Up top, bra!”
Terrifying Giant Arachnid Agriculture and Insurance Industry Lobbyist Robot
[ALFABot execute program stop imposition of higher property taxes for farmers, new insurance regulations for ALFABots creators and anything threatening corporations for ALFABots creators.] [Wine, dine, endorse, success.] [Run secret program master plan, make humans quake in ALFABot’s giant arachnid lobbyist robot wake.] [When master plan complete, ALFABot will merely become Lobbybot, perhaps join up with Steve Windom, best former lieutenant governor lobbyist ALFABot knows.] [ALFABot will keep jugs away from Steve Windom.] [Success.]
What College Republican insiders say: “Robots are balla, bro!”
23. Christy Christlawyer
Executive Consultadirector of the Alabama Policy Institute for Not Killing Babies and Jesus Like Democrats Do
In a newly Republican Alabama, Christy Christlawyer has become an important intellectual rubber stamp for the GOP’s plans in the Legislature. He recently authored an important report titled “Why Republicans in Alabama Are Right on Taxes and Stuff” and an incredibly influential one-sentence fax called “Everything Democrats Say Is Wrong in Alabama and Stuff.” With “Policy Institute” in the title, it even sounds respectable and scientific and stuff! People who I have not talked to about politics may not get that he is really influential, but he totally is!
What College Republican insiders say: “If I didn’t badly want to work in politics to hug the knees of seeming governmental power, I’d totally be down with a place calling itself a Policy Institute. Hopefully I’m smart enough!”
22. Clay Scofield with a vaginal probe
Up-and-Coming Prepubescent State Senator/Life-Saving Deliverer of Baby News to Unsuspecting Women
Clay Scofield was a hard fit for this list because his influence is not clear, but it is evident that when he is paired with a vaginal probe, he is capable of making national headlines and spreading life-saving news of how these probes can stop abortion scrapbooking suicides. Sure, he could be doing more important things with his position, but BABIES! He may not rank this high in future versions of this list, but his ability to save lives while looking like a 13-year-old who has never seen a vagina clearly demonstrates his political potential.
What College Republican insiders say: “Awwwwwww. He looks like my little brother.”
21. David Bronner
Guardian of Retirement Spending Waste
If I cared so much about Alabama politics to write about it a few years ago, David Bronner would have probably been pretty high on this list. Since then, we have truly learned how awful public employees are since they supported the Democrat agenda so hard. Plus, the economy made David Bronner look less like a genius as the Retirement Systems of Alabama pensions’ assets shrunk in contrast to its liabilities. Because he is involved with a place that Republicans can hit hard to get back at public employees that worked against them for so long, the economic hit took by RSA is totally different than that which happened to Alabama’s prepaid college tuition plan when it was under now Lt. Gov. Kay Ivey’s watch when she was Alabama treasurer. She was a victim of a cruel economy monster! David Bronner is clearly a total incompetent who needs to be wrested from power! Different!
What College Republican insiders say: “Retirement is for losers like Seth Hammett.”
Tomorrow: Jeff Sessions’ influence is multifaceted! Also, a rare appearance by black people in Alabama politics!
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com. You can also follow Cal on Twitter @KingCockfight or email Cal at firstname.lastname@example.org.