Unlike some other media outlets, Reran Tragedy is all about letting Southern leaders speak directly to the people. That is why this publication now has a recurring feature in which we let Alabama leaders—elected or in the running—articulate what they think is important without any sort of filter whatsoever.
Speaking of no filter, today we feature a transcript of recent comments by Rep. Alvin Holmes, D-Montgomery, explaining his bill banning saggy pants in Montgomery County, which cleared the Alabama House last week. The following is an excerpt from the House record during Rep. Holmes’ regularly scheduled weekly rant on the floor of the House, or as it is advertised, “Alvin Holmes Special Happy Ranty Ramble Minute Sponsored by Diet Coke”.
“Alvin Holmes Special Happy Ranty Ramble Minute” of course has been a key part of keeping the peace in the House for years to avoid random, unregulated explosions of Alvin Holmes throughout the Statehouse during session. It has been sponsored by Diet Coke since the Republican takeover of the Legislature following the 2010 election, taking over for The Retirement Systems of Alabama, who required Rep. Holmes to wear a green roof during his rant.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Speaker.
I just want to let y’all all know that I have introduced a bill, a bill, one of them bills that introduces things. Into law, Mr. Speaker. It’s gonna create a law.
And this law is gonna involve some pants, Mr. Speaker. These kids, they ain’t wearing their pants right, Mr. Speaker.
You may have noticed that I’m wearing me some of them pants on my face, Mr. Speaker. I believe in the power of a few things, Mr. Speaker. Mr. Speaker, I believe in the power of Jesus Christ. I believe in the power of the beer we have. And I believe in the power of the pants, such as the pants I am wearing on my face, Mr. Speaker.
Now, Mr. Speaker, you may be wondering why I am wearing these pants on my face. And if so, why are they jeans. Well, Mr. Speaker, there is a double standard here. And Mr. Speaker, I want you to know that IT IS RACIST THAT YOU DO NOT HIRE BLACKS TO BE IN THE SPEAKER’S OFFICE AND YOU ARE RACIST.
But there’s another double standard here. On my face.
Mr. Speaker, chins have different rules. All of us have to wear dress clothes in here. Like we going to church with Jesus, Mr. Speaker. But Mr. Speaker, you ain’t Jesus, but that’s for another time. And Mr. Speaker, these pants on my face can be jeans because the chins get special breaks in this state. And that isn’t right how treat the chins that wear pants better than black folk. And Mr. Speaker, I demand you treat black folk as good as you treat chins that wear pants. We already wear pants, Mr. Speaker. Them chins ain’t special!
But back to my point, Mr. Speaker. Mr. Speaker. Mr. Speaker, you may be wondering whether underneath these chinpants if my chin has any drawers on? Whether I got me a pair of chinboxers on underneath these here chinpants? Whether I got me a pair of chinbriefs on underneath these here chinpants? Whether them chinbriefs might be Batman chinbriefs, with a little chinBatman and a little chinRobin fighting a chinJoker to save Gotham Chinny?
Mr. Speaker, I don’t reckon that’s any of your damn business.
But what is my business, Mr. Speaker, are the children. These children, they got all these things challenging them these days. And these children, Mr. Speaker, they don’t know any better. They might know better if you didn’t hate black folk so much, Mr. Speaker, but that’s not what I’m talking about Mr. Speaker and I don’t know why you keep bringing it up.
These kids Mr. Speaker, they got them guns, them drugs, them violent videogames, them … bad television shows. What’s that bad television show? The one with them kids on that Jersey Shore? That’s the bad one, right? They got all this bad stuff going on, Mr. Speaker.
But Mr. Speaker, these kids, if they just pull they pants up, then maybe Mr. Speaker, maybe it will fix everything else that is wrong with them. And Mr. Speaker, I tell you what, I don’t know what else to do with them anyway. They poor and they live in Alabama, Mr. Speaker, and they got nothing else to look for, I guess, Mr. Speaker.
Now, Mr. Speaker, have you seen that show with the town and the cougars, Mr. Speaker? No, you probably haven’t, Mr. Speaker, because the show called “Cougar Town” got a town but it ain’t got no cougars.
I don’t know why they call it that.
Mr. Speaker, I yield my time.
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com. You can also follow Cal on Twitter @KingCockfight or email Cal at firstname.lastname@example.org.