Unlike some other media outlets, Reran Tragedy is all about letting Southern leaders speak directly to the people. That is why this publication now has a recurring feature in which we let Alabama leaders—elected or in the running—articulate what they think is important without any sort of filter whatsoever.
Today, we allow Alabama’s next great leader, State Sen. Shadrack McGill, R-Woodville, seen to the left as he was when he was battling Patrick Swayze as a henchman trying to destroy the Double Deuce’s liquor deliveries in “Road House”, clarify his latest clarification of his clarification of his clarification of that whole thing he said about why God wants him to be paid more than teachers, which somehow turned into a discussion about why abortion is now the most important issue in Alabama despite high unemployment and massive state badget holes.
I understand some people are still upset with some of things I said about the teacher’s pay and I appreciate the opportunity to clarify my position because it still does not make sense not even to me and I am very disappointed in Christians not getting what I am saying that for some reason involved in determining teacher pay and what y’all don’t understand is that the state just doesn’t give us a ton of free stuff as legislators I know right and that it’s very mean and I need a job y’all and I think y’all should employ me and I order you to employ me because I think I can do that right and y’all should and I got some really great qualifications my name is Shadrack I legislate I hang out at meetings though committee meetings are boring and I really just want to skip them and go hang out at a Jack’s and I say things and I brought copies of my resume to this meeting and it mainly just says “Jesus stuff and beat Lowell Barron because everybody voted straight-ballot Republican because a black guy got elected president” and I would like a $100,000 a year in salary and benefits and stock options and six weeks vacation and I know you may be having trouble getting employed right now but you should care more about abortion, morality, and me or else you’re not a Christian especially if you’re Jewish I hope there are no Jews here because me making a point that I am a Christian like nobody else is would get more awkward and stuff and I think I should be employed and I totally got fired for being a legislator or something I just need a job I am actually thinking about moving into your houses because I think the Jesus Constitution that I haven’t really read lets me make you do that and I like fried chicken so I think you should give me some now with some mashed potatoes and some KFC gravy that you bought but I want you to make the fried chicken yourself to show how much you care and y’all should think about me more isn’t that what this legislator job is all about?
Y’all be Christian.
I mean I don’t know why people are so upset at this whole budget and spending thing and everybody called me about the problems actually affecting the state and only my preacher called me about the things I cared about and he greeted me by saying “Shad, up?!” and that’s funny because that’s our special greeting and I’ll let you use it too if you’re nice to me but you’re not since you don’t care about baby murder enough because all I care about is saving babies and good God I think about baby murder all the time I mean all the time and it’s very disturbing thinking about how they take the fully formed baby out of the woman’s womb and kill it with a sledgehammer or so I’m told and I want to ban insurers from paying for that and for some reason I think state law will trump federal law on everything about abortion when that’s not how the law works but I don’t care about that I’m Christian not a lawyer because I don’t hang out Satan not even that one time at Taco Bell and I want to embroil the state in lawsuits because I don’t have to pay for them and I don’t know why people are thinking about killing babies all the time but the baby murders are happening in my brain all the time and the baby murder doctors keep playing that Misfits song and I don’t know why y’all pro-abortionists use Danzig as a spokesman and “Last Caress” as a theme song it’s very graphic and vile and mean and that music video was completely misleading and y’all need to care more about babies and stop criticizing me because I thought y’all were Christian and Christians don’t criticize other Christians about the things other Christians do or say and y’all know that because it’s in the Bible and I know that since I am a Christian who is criticizing y’all for being Christians and criticizing me and saying that is inherently un-Christian I must be inherently be saying that I am acting un-Christian but I am different because Jesus gave me an exception when he picked me to be elected to office because Lowell Barron should’ve listened to his interpretation of Senate rules more and I think that this is very upsetting that y’all would criticize me about things because I’m Jesus’ favorite and I think about abortions all the time and why don’t y’all appreciate that more because Jesus likes me a bunch and your vote doesn’t matter because of his super-Jesus ballots and all civilizations and people who have acted morally instead of focusing on fixing their real problems themselves because I ignored that Jesus-helps-those-who-help-themselves thing have God come down and fix all of their problems and it’s magical and oh crap oh crap oh crap you asked me to name a civilization that actually got helped that way oh crap oh crap oh crap well let’s just say the Jews because that’s like the only answer and I think I only read that Old Testament part oh crap oh crap oh crap you’re Jewish I forgot about that whole Holocaust thing and I just nearly seemed to have told you that the reason you get punished is because you killed Jesus who likes me a bunch but man am I glad my filter worked that one time and oh crap oh crap oh crap you’re asking me to name another civilization that happened to well I could say that it would be America but that would prove their point since I’m trying to fix America by banning abortions which happen in America not France like I wish and then there is Mississippi but they got locusts there and I think they ain’t livin’ right what with how they let bears marry plantation owners at football games there or at least I think that happened from what I read on the internet that one time and I could say Germany but oh wait that whole Holocaust thing how about I not answer the question and just move on and tell her she can make an appointment man they are really pushing me to actually answer that question and care about their concerns why don’t they just give a job and insurance because Jesus loves me more than them like I said and I really do think about baby murder all the time.
Stop murderin’ babies, y’all. It’s not Christian.
I mean just what I meant there is that if you decide to go get an abortion you probably are thinking about killing yourself because you can’t possibly be thinking about your life and how the birth of a child would affect it and how you could care for it or anything like that and I’m thinking that while you’re there you might would get halfway through and tell the doctor “Go ahead and kill me now” because I think most women are miserable and want to die anyway and to me you’re just an object and the whole “woman’s choice” thing is a cover for how women want to kill themselves and money doesn’t justify murderdom and don’t tell me about how life begins I read a manual with pictures of Jesus huggin’ babies with the stork like they do on Saturdays up in Hazel Green and you need to be educated and I really do think about baby murder all the time and I think women are planning abortions at all times because they’re premeditated and they dream of the day that they can wear their pretty poofy dresses that can fill up an entire car like they do on that un-Christian Irish gypsy wedding show and get an abortion because apparently they do it just for fun like prom and it’s abortion prom and you shouldn’t go to abortion prom but if you do sign the abortion prom promise to not drink and have that premarital sex and oh my God this world is coming to a bad place because I started railing against abortion and all these pro-choice people came out and while abortion is a complete freaking time waster of an issue I’m naive enough to think that abortion is a much more important thing than jobs because you having a job is not my problem but I need a job and you should really help me out and give me a job and like I said when I started this sentence we have to keep women from killing themselves because of something I read in the Old Testament once because I’m a Christian and you’re not because they have ladyparts and those things are scary and I don’t know quite how they work but I know that’s where God put the life off-switch near the uterus and the doctor while he’s doing the abortion because he knows what he’s doing he can just access the uterus and turn it off and because there’s no easy access on a guy’s genitalia more that’s why God loves men more and man is it hot in here why are you looking at me like that did I say something wrong again that’s not nice?
It’s not Christian.
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com. You can also follow Cal on Twitter @KingCockfight or email Cal at firstname.lastname@example.org.