Unlike some other media outlets, Reran Tragedy is all about letting Southern leaders speak directly to the people. That is why this publication now has a recurring feature in which we let Alabama leaders—elected or in the running—articulate what they think is important without any sort of filter whatsoever.
Today, we debut this new feature with a word from promising Republican Public Service Commission president candidate, Kathy Peterson, about her recent ethics complaint against GOP rival and Public Service Commission member Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh.
HEY Y’ALL! IT’S ME KATHY PETERSON. YOU KNOW THAT BECAUSE I AM AGAIN SITTING IN THE KATHY PETERSON SEAT OF MY HUSBAND DALE PETERSON‘S DALE PETERSON TRUCK. YOU KNOW IT’S HIS DALE PETERSON TRUCK BECAUSE IT SAYS DALE PETERSON ON THE BACK AND YOU KNOW I’M ALLOWED TO BE HERE BECAUSE IT SAYS KATHY PETERSON ON THE DOOR FOR MY KATHY PETERSON SEAT IN HIS DALE PETERSON TRUCK!
I HAD WANTED TO LET ALL Y’ALL KNOW ABOUT HOW I’M FIGHTIN’ OFF THAT JOB-KILLIN’ CAREER POLITICIAN TWINKLE ANDRESS CAVANAUGH AND HOW SHE WENT AND SENT PEOPLE REALLY NICE CERTIFICATES WITH STATE MONEY TO MAKE THEM FEEL REAL NICE BECAUSE THEY GOT A CERTIFICATE TELLING THEM THEY’RE NICE PEOPLE AND IT SAYS “TWINKLE” ON IT. SHE’S JUST DOIN’ THAT TO GET SOME POLITICAL FAVOR! SHE ISN’T LIKE US OCCASIONAL NON-CAREER POLITICIANS WHO WANT TO BE IN POLITICAL OFFICE BUT WOULDN’T REALLY MIND HAVING A SECOND CAREER ON THE SIDE, LIKE SELLIN’ OFFICE SUPPLIES FROM HOME!
BUT NONE OF Y’ALL SEEM TO REALLY CARE ABOUT HER SENDIN’ THEM CERTIFICATES AND SUCH BECAUSE ALL THESE OTHER POLITICIANS DO IT AND Y’ALL ALL SEEM TO THINK THAT IT’S NOT EVEN “A” “DROP” IN “THE” “BUCKET” “OF” “THE” “STATE’S” “PROBLEMS.” I JUST WANT Y’ALL TO KNOW THAT I AM MAKIN’ THE MOST DISGUSTED FINGER QUOTES I POSSIBLY CAN AT YOU RIGHT NOW BECAUSE ONE DAY Y’ALL GONNA WAKE UP AND REALIZE YOU AIN’T GOT ANY REALLY NICE PAPER AND STATE SEALS BECAUSE THE TAX MAN HAS TAKEN THEM AWAY THROUGH OVERREGULATION WITH THE EPA!
BUT IF Y’ALL AREN’T GONNA PAY ATTENTION TO THAT NONEXISTENT PROBLEM, HOW ABOUT THIS: YOU EVER WONDERED WHY AN ADULT WOMAN WOULD PUBLICLY ALLOW HERSELF TO BE REFERRED TO AS TWINKLE?
OH, ALL Y’ALL WHO AREN’T AGAINST JOB-KILLIN’ CAREER POLITICIANS IN SECRET ALLIANCE WITH THE EPA WOULD PROBABLY SAY THAT’S BECAUSE SHE LIVES IN ALABAMA AND FOLKSY NAMES ARE LIKELY TO HELP HER GET ELECTED! OR Y’ALL MIGHT HAVE BEEN SILLY ENOUGH TO THINK THAT’S HER REAL NAME OR MAYBE SHE JUST LIKES THAT!
WELL, Y’ALL SHOULD GIVE MORE OF A RIP ABOUT ALABAMA, BECAUSE YOU’RE WRONG!
THE REASON THEY CALL HER TWINKLE IS BECAUSE SHE IS A STAR!
NOT ONE OF THE HOLLYWOOD KIND OR THE NASHVILLE KIND OR EVEN THE FUN STICKER KIND! SHE’S AN ACTUAL STAR! LIKE THE EPA LIBERALS SAY THE SUN IS! THE ONES WITH PLANETS TURNIN’ AROUND THEM!
THAT’S RIGHT!
IT’S A FUNNY NICKNAME! SHE’S BEEN LAUGHIN’ SOLAR FLARES AT Y’ALL BEHIND Y’ALL’S BACKS BECAUSE SHE’S A STAR PRETENDIN’ TO BE ONE OF US HUMAN BEINS’!
Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh, Alabama Public Service Commission, Seat 1
AND AS A FORCE OF NATURE, THAT MAKES HER PRETTY CLEAR IN LINE WITH THE JOB-KILLIN’ REGULATIONS OF THE EPA!
IN FACT, SHE’S BEEN USIN’ HER GRAVITATIONAL PULL TO BRING IN ALL SORTS OF EPA PEOPLE! THEY BEEN ROTATING AROUND HER AND TRYIN’ TO MAKE THEIR IDEA OF A “PERFECT WORLD” WHERE PEOPLE CAN WALK AROUND AND MARRY MOONS AND STEAL YARD SIGNS AND DO ALL SORTS OF WEIRD COSMIC THINGS THAT AREN’T GENUINE ALABAMA VALUES!
AND SHE’S BEEN USING THAT GRAVITY UNCONSTITUTIONALLY! THAT’S RIGHT! SHE’S BEEN INSERTING PHYSICS INTO THE STATE REGULATION OF YOUR ELECTRIC POWER JUST LIKE THE FRAMERS SOUGHT TO PREVENT!
AND IF SHE’S SO BRIGHT AND STARRY, WHY DON’T SHE USE HER FISSION CAPABILITIES TO POWER ALL OF ALABAMA?! IF YOU CAN HAVE THE REST OF THE PSC ROTATIN’ AROUND YOU LIKE SOME SORT OF PERVERTED NON-FREE ENTERPRISE SOLAR SYSTEM THAT DOES NOT REFLECT OUR ALABAMA VALUES, WHY CANNOT YOU GIVE ENOUGH OF A RIP ABOUT ALABAMA TO HOOK UP SOME SORT OF SCIENCE DOOHICKEY TO YOUR STARFACE AND MAKE OUR POWER FOR FREE, STAR-LADY?!
I HOPE I’VE GIVEN ALL Y’ALL A LOT TO THINK ABOUT! IT’S TIME TO TAKE ALABAMA BACK FROM THESE CAREER GIANT POLITICIAN SPACE ENTITIES BEFORE THEY GO SUPERNOVA AND CRACK ALL OUR ATOMS IN HALF LIKE WALNUTS!
AND GET US INTO MORE OVERREGULATION AND DEBT!
IF THE ETHICS COMMISSION ISN’T GOIN’ TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, I HOPE Y’ALL WILL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT IN THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY ON MARCH 13TH!
DON’T Y’ALL DISAPPOINT THESE LLAMAS!
Reran Tragedy is Weld’s satirical blog about politics and life in Alabama and the South. Much of what you will read here is fictionalized, except for all the parts that are unfortunately true because they are about politics and life in Alabama and the South.
The artist known as Cal Alabaster Jr., if that is his or her real name, may or may not also be the author of the Alabama humor blog called “King Cockfight.” If true, you may read Cal’s work there at kingcockfight.wordpress.com and follow Cal on Twitter @KingCockfight.
