Last week, after another protracted process, the Alabama Legislature gave final approval to yet another FTH-sponsored bill, the Gourmet Bottle Bill. That bill would allow beer to be sold throughout Alabama in containers up to 25.4 oz, allowing beer geeks to get special beers from their favorite breweries in popular 22 oz bottles colloquially called “bombers” or in 750 ml (25.4 oz) bottles.

That bill is not law yet, but it may be by the time you read this. Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley can choose to sign the bill and make it law, or choose to take no action and the bill will automatically become law. Alternatively, Bentley could veto the bill on the last day of the legislative session and send it back to the Legislature, leaving them with little time to override his veto. FTH President Gabe Harris said he expects Bentley to sign the bill.

“He signed the Brewery Modernization Act last year and that has been nothing but good for the state,” Harris told Weld in an e-mail. “This bill will do the same thing. Citizens and businesses want this bill signed and I am confident he will [sign it].”

Hop City, an Atlanta beer, wine and home-brewing store is one business that will appreciate the passage of the Gourmet Bottle Bill. The company plans to build a second store in Birmingham, in a 5,500 sq. ft. spot near Pepper Place.

“We’re really excited about that,” Hop City owner Kraig Torres told Weld, referring to the Gourmet Bottle Bill’s passage. “That should allow us to do what we do here in Atlanta, with somewhere north of 1,500 choices on the shelf every day.”

Torres plans to install a 60-tap draught-to-go system (including 20 taps dedicated to local brews), but he wants to get approval from the Jefferson County Health Department to use a growler-based system rather than the milk jug system used at current draft outlets in the county.

“We strongly disagree with the idea of a plastic milk jug,” Torres said. “We just don’t think that’s good for either the beer or the consumer.”

Torres said Hop City chose to expand to Birmingham after looking at eight different markets, including opening a second store in Atlanta. But he felt Birmingham had “the most potential from a long-term standpoint.” He hopes to open in July.

“We look at Birmingham as sort of a burgeoning beer scene,” Torres said. “We love what we see. We love all the new breweries that are opening up — almost daily it seems — and I just think the beer culture is ripe for a concept like Hop City.”

Hop City is one of several new breweries and beer stores that have benefited or started up due to changes in Alabama’s beer laws. There’s a new bar and retail concept franchise called World of Beer set to open in Five Points South, Avondale Brewing Company, Highland Package Store, Good People Brewing Company (full disclosure: I pour beer at Good People’s tap room on Sunday afternoons). There are also two breweries in the works, Cahaba Brewing Co. and Beer Engineers, and a brewpub, Trim Tab, which is currently raising capital. Numerous restaurants such as Slice, J. Clyde, On Tap and others serve local beer.

With all that new beer in Birmingham, I thought it proper to ask some beer-related business owners if the beer market was reaching saturation. Most of them said no. In fact, D.B. Irwin, owner of Beer Engineers, a new contract-brewing company based, said “absolutely not.”

Eric Meyer, one of the owners of Cahaba Brewing Company, said people ask him all the time if new breweries will hurt his business.

“People say to me, ‘Oh no, there’s more breweries. Isn’t that bad for you?’ No,” Meyer said in a phone interview. “No. The more breweries in Birmingham, the better. Jason Wilson over at Back Forty [Beer Co. in Gadsden] always says, ‘The rising tide floats all boats.’” Avondale Brewing Co. head brewer Craig Shaw actually referenced the same quote from Wilson, and said Alabamians are thirsty for more beer — a thirst brought on by the prohibition on gourmet high-gravity brews that was lifted in 2009.

“Now, I think we have a really educated market here,” Shaw said. “It’s really exciting that these breweries are coming online. We could have 10 [breweries]. I don’t think four is saturated at all.”

Gabe Harris of FTH agreed. “Alabama is still way down the line when it comes to breweries per capita, so there is room for a lot of growth,” he wrote in an e-mail.

Michael Sellers, one of the co-owners of Good People, said the Birmingham market will hit its peak, but it’s not there yet.

“I think a market does get saturated,” Sellers said. “I think we’ll see that— there’ll be some shakeout, at some point in time.

“Colorado’s had 30 years, 40 years to develop their culture. We’ve essentially done it in four. So, they got to experience their growing pains over a more drawn-out, slow growth process, whereas I think ours are going to be a lot more compacted.

“I think the beer culture in Alabama is heading in the right direction. Obviously, with anything that grows fast, there’s going to be some downside, but I think right now everybody’s doing the right things and keeping craft beer the way it should be.”

Almost everything you need to know about Alabama beer culture, you can find on www.freethehops.org. 

That message from the legislature: Drop dead.

Jefferson County bankruptcy lawyer, Kenneth Klee.

Klee told the commission that the county’s general obligation debt is backed by the “full faith and credit” of the county. However, that faith and credit is only as good as the county has the ability to back it with taxes. The county, though, does not have that authority; the legislature does.

“This is near unprecedented in municipal financial law,” Klee said.

The legislature has made it clear that no help is coming from Montgomery he said. Now the commission must take drastic actions.

In particular, Klee recommended the county all but abandon its general obligation debt and direct that money to providing services for citizens.

However, there would be consequences. The county must now deal with a new class of creditors, and the county can expect to spend at least another year in bankruptcy, Klee said.

Fresh from a defeat Wednesday in the legislature, the commissioners’ emotions were raw going into the Thursday morning meeting. Commission President David Carrington all but called Rep. Jim Carns a hypocrite. Carrington read a list of objectives the previous commission, of which Carns was a member, could not accomplish: Downsizing, hiring a county manager, closing the county nursing home and declaring bankruptcy. The current commission has accomplished all those things, Carrington said.

Now the commission will cut further, Carrington said. Between now and Oct. 1, the county must trim down to a $180 million budget.

Guest Post by Susan Thomas
 
Red Weather tells the story of Neva, a woman whose parents left her and her brother for a weekend with their grandmother and never came back. The story develops as we learn the parents were Native American activists and their disappearance relates to this. Neva's life is in a stalemate. A bad marriage, a nothing job, estrangement from her brother all seemingly created by the unanswered lifelong question of what happened to her parents. With the discovery of a clue to their disappearance, Neva leaves this life behind to go in search of her parents.

The story takes us to a small town in Central America where the political unrest and heavy hand of the government becomes more violent page by page. Neva finds work teaching English, housemates turned friends, and a love affair that consumes her. Still, all these elements are jaded by her continuing search for her parents.


McAdams expertly weaves heavy issues such as the sterilization of Native American women, U.S. involvement in Central American government, and class struggle into her story. But just enough so the story is not bogged down with facts but leaves the reader with the feeling of wanting to know more.

Red Weather is a beautifully written book that revolves around a life put on hold and the resolution necessary for it to begin again. McAdams brilliantly gives the reader a sense of urgency for resolution as the intensity of the story builds.

Susan Thomas lives and reads in Birmingham, Alabama.

Yard of dreams

This post looks at last week’s trip to New York, focused on midtown and financial district locales. After many years of waiting, the Hudson Yards Redevelopment Project on midtown’s far west side at the Hudson River is underway (above at 10th Avenue and 3oth Street), with developers working on a first phase of mixed-use office, housing, and retail constructed in leased air rights over MTA‘s vast rail yards.  This ambitious plan includes an extension of the “7″ subway train, thousands of new housing units, and large amounts of public space. A virtual no-man’s land (perhaps the last such area in Manhattan) promises to be completely transformed. You can see the development proposal here.

All about the brand

A few blocks north the same developer (Related Companies) is already leasing their MiMA building (above on the corner of 10th Avenue looking east along 42nd Street). Their marketing campaign for this high-end building (originally slated for condos before the recent economic downturn) was so clever that many New Yorkers have started referring to this far west section of midtown as “MiMA”–which means “Middle of Manhattan”. Perhaps a bit wishful to think of 10th Avenue as the “middle;” but with the massive Hudson Yards project underway, the center of gravity will shift somewhat, making this moniker more plausible.

A contrast in scale

The more well-known midtown includes 6th Avenue (above, at 49th Street) where massive towers were set back from the street back in the 1960′s as a result of new zoning laws that allowed greater heights if the developer provided “public space” along the street. The famously bleak, wind-swept plazas that resulted were, at least in the location above, a little less bleak due to fountains, benches, and landscaping making the best of a very anti-urban condition.

A little world of its own

Pocket parks are scattered across Midtown–many again a result of zoning compromises that allowed developers certain concessions in return for providing public amenities. The one above provides a passage between 49th and 48th Street a block west of the 6th Avenue plaza shown previously. In many cases, pocket parks can be underused; pedestrian traffic patterns, adjacent uses, and other factors aren’t studied properly before locations are selected. In Manhattan, given the high density and almost constant foot traffic on countless blocks, these spaces have a better chance of success.

Hey, the taxpayer didn’t fund it

Above is the entrance to this pocket park from 48th Street–sort of Chinese garden gateway reinterpreted. You pass under a thick transparent tube inserted through a concrete wall with water rushing down the full length of the wall, splashing the ceiling above you, and falling into a trough below. It’s a wonderful effect–you really feel like you’re passing from one realm into another. The expense of this sort of feature makes one reflect on the “only in New York” budgets these spaces can have.

Welcome back, downtown skyline

All the way downtown in the Financial District, One World Trade Center (above) is finally nearing completion. It’s an understatement to say the downtown skyline has been missing an anchor since the September 11, 2001 tragedy; this new tower is a welcome symbol of New York’s resilience. It comes at a time when lots of other things are happening in this oldest part of Manhattan, whose vibrant, mixed-use streets of 200 years ago became dominated by finance, banking, and law firms (at the expense of shipping, housing, and saloons). In the last 10 years, however, more and more office buildings have been converted to residences, new apartments have been constructed, there are more restaurants, schools, and groceries—and many thousands more people are living here and walking the streets (about 56,000 compared to 15,000 at the time of the attack).

Occupying the park

Partly as a result of the influx of new residents, the area’s parks have been renovated: people from neighborhoods further north flock south with their kids to enjoy the Financial District–an activity that would have been unheard of 10 years ago. Above is City Hall Park, which at 9 AM Thursday was filled with office workers, mothers with strollers (and a few nannies), and tourists.

The proportion of foot to auto traffic is remarkable

Compared to the relatively new (1811) street grid further north, the older street pattern in this neighborhood is full of curves and diagonals, with narrow roadbed widths (above is Fulton Street looking east from Nassau Street). This tends to confine auto traffic to certain widened arteries, with pedestrians often having free reign in the streets retaining original dimensions.

A colorful concession to the public realm

Across from the new One World Trade Center is 200 West Street, the global headquarters for Goldman Sachs. Choosing this location in part to demonstrate strong commitment to the World Trade Center area after the tragedy, the 43-story building opened in 2009 and was designed by Pei Cobb Fried with other design firms handling different portions of the interiors. Huge murals were commissioned for the numerous lobby spaces, designed for the enjoyment of passerby, including “Sunrise, Sunset” by Franz Ackerman above (you can read a New Yorker review of 200 West here).

Serving titans of finance, among others

One of the most interesting features of 200 West is the adjacent Conrad Hotel linked to the office tower by a promenade (above). Goldman acquired the former Embassy Suites, renovated it into a sleek, contemporary hotel more in keeping with their own image and clientele, and created the promenade. The Applebee’s lease was not renewed; several Danny Meyer restaurants were brought in. Both office workers and nearby residents are delighted. It’s an urban amenity win for everyone.

Yes please

Note the new apartment towers directly across from the promenade (and Shake Shack) above. This neighborhood is becoming very interesting. And tastier.

Eye-catching

While Goldman Sachs famously has no corporate logos or company signage of any kind on its building–even the security guards wear anonymous black suits–100 Gold street, a bland 1970′s building a few blocks away, had an image problem. The wrapped address signage (above) does a good job announcing the building to the public, without distracting from the lines of the original design. This is a simple, but sophisticated addition.

Is this for real?

Finally, no trip to New York is complete without visiting the High Line park–shown above around 22nd Street looking north. On a picture-perfect Friday lunchtime, families are playing in the grass, locals and tourists are eating sandwiches, an artist is painting at an easel—and new office and apartment towers frame the stunning views. It’s an urban vision that’s so beautiful, it’s hard to believe it was an abandoned, weedy, rusty set of tracks just a few years ago. Railroad Park, anyone?

Rep. John Rogers.

And several Jefferson County lawmakers voted in favor of killing the bill.

In the mid afternoon, Rep. John Rogers, D-Birmingham, proposed an amendment to the calendar to pull the bill. For about an hour, lawmakers debated the amendment. Rogers and Rep. Arthur Payne, R-Trussville, promised to filibuster the bill if it came up for a vote, and Payne said he would have every bill on the calendar read by the statehouse’s so-called robo-reader to bring the session to a crawl if it were not killed immediately.

Several Jefferson County lawmakers pleaded with their colleagues from around the state to keep the bill on the calendar and at least let it have an up or down vote.

“Please do not kill this bill with a procedural vote,” Rep. Patricia Todd, D-Birmingham, pleaded.

Rep. Demtrius Newton, D-Birmingham, called the move by Rogers an act of subterfuge.

Rep. Jim Carns.

But despite the pleas from the county delegation, several of the delegation’s members voted with suburban Republicans to kill the bill.

Members voting to kill the bill included Rogers; Payne; Rep. Mary Moore, D-Birmingham; Rep. Jim Carns, R-Mountain Brook; and Mary Sue McClurkin, R-Pelham. (Correction Appended Below.)

After the vote, Jefferson County Manager Tony Petelos told Rogers that he would have to lay people off because of what Rogers had just done.

Without an occupational tax, Jefferson County will have to reduce its general fund budget to $180 million, about $40 million less than the current budget. County officials have said that, if the bill failed, the county would begin to pair down its staff through waves of layoffs between now and the end of the fiscal year on September 30.

Without a fix from the legislature it is unlikely Jefferson County will be able to emerge from bankruptcy, and the county’s bankruptcy lawyers have even said that the dissolution of county government is a possible, if unlikely, outcome.

Correction: A previous version of this story omitted Rep. Jim Carns from the Jefferson County lawmakers who voted to kill the occupational tax bill.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): If we thought of your life as a book, the title of the next chapter could very well be “In Quest of the Primal.” I encourage you to meditate on what that means to you, and then act accordingly. Here are a few possibilities: tapping into the mother lode; connecting to the source; communing with the core; returning to beginnings; seeking out the original; being in tune with the pulse of nature. Does any of that sound like fun? According to my reading of the astrological omens, you have a mandate to be as raw as the law allows — to be the smartest animal you can be.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): A Russian woman named Marija Usova decided to go skydiving even though she was eight months pregnant. “I wanted my baby to have the beautiful feeling of flying through the air and free-falling before it was born,” she said. Soon after she jumped out of the plane and opened her parachute, she went into labor. Luckily, her daughter waited until she landed to be born. What does this have to do with you? I don’t recommend you do anything even remotely like what Usova did in the next few weeks. But do be alert for healthier, saner approaches to the basic theme, which is to be adventurous and wild and free as you birth a new possibility.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You spend nearly one-third of your life sleeping. For one-fifth of that time, you’re dreaming. So pretty much every night, you watch and respond to as much as 90 minutes’ worth of movies created by and starring you. Much of this footage is obscure and confusing and not exactly Oscar-worthy, which is one reason you may not recall many of the details when you wake up. But according to my astrological analysis, the immediate future could be different. Your dreams should be full of riveting entertainment that reveals important information about the mysteries of your destiny. Please consider keeping a pen and notebook near your bed, or a small recording device.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It’s Oxymoron Season for you. That means you’re likely to encounter more than your usual share of sweet and sour paradoxes. The logic-loving areas of your brain will almost certainly have to seek assistance from your non-rational wisdom. I’ll give you a heads-up on some of the lucid riddles you should be ready to embrace: 1. a humbling triumph; 2. a tender rivalry; 3. a selfish blessing; 4. an opportunity to commune with risky comfort; 5. an invitation to explore a relaxing challenge; 6. a chance to get up-close and personal with a long-distance connection. For best results, Leo, memorize these lines from Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass and recite them periodically: “Do I contradict myself? / Very well then I contradict myself. / (I am large, I contain multitudes.)”

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): There’s at least a 50 percent chance that the coming days will be over-the-top, out-of-the-blue, and off-the-record. I’m half-expecting florid, luscious, and kaleidoscopic events, possibly even rococo, swashbuckling, and splendiferous adventures. Are you ready for all this? Of course not. That’s the point life will be trying to make: nudging you to learn more about the fine art of spontaneity as you improvise your way through unpredictable lessons that will lead you toward the resources you’ll need to succeed.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Obsessions. Enchantments. Crushes. Manias. Fetishes. Some astrologers think you Libras are mostly immune from these indelicate but sometimes delightful modes of human expression. They seem to believe that you love harmony and balance too much to fall under the spell of a bewitching passion that rivets your focus. I disagree with that view. It may be true that you’re better able than the other signs to be objective about your fixations. But that doesn’t necessarily dilute the intensity you feel when they rise up and captivate your imagination with the force of a thousand love songs. My advice? Have fun and stay amused.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “The chains that bind us most closely are the ones we have broken,” said Scorpio poet Antonio Porchia. In other words, the oppression from which we have freed ourselves may continue to influence us long after we’ve escaped. The imprint it left on our sensitive psyches might keep distorting our decisions and twisting our emotions. But I’m here to tell you, Scorpio, that you’re entering a time when you have an enhanced power to dissolve the lingering taint your broken chains still impose. You finally have the resources and wisdom to complete the liberation process.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In the coming weeks, you will have an excellent chance to develop more skill in the art of high gossip. High gossip has almost nothing in common with the mindless prattle that erodes reputations and fosters cynicism. It’s not driven by envy, pettiness, or schadenfreude. When you engage in high gossip, you spread uplifting whispers and inspirational hearsay; you speculate about people’s talents and call attention to their successes; you conspire to awaken generosity of spirit and practical idealism. High gossip is a righteous approach to chatting about the human zoo. It might not flow as easily as the cheap and shabby kind — at least at first — but it lasts a whole lot longer and creates connections that help keep your mental hygiene sparkling clean.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Sometimes I have a dream that seems cryptic or meaningless when I first wake up, but a few days later I realize it was a brilliant insight into what I most needed to transform about my life. If you don’t recall many of your dreams, that might not be a familiar experience for you. But you’ve probably had waking-life experiences with a similar arc. I predict you will be given at least one of those in the coming week. It may confound you while you’re in the midst of it, but will eventually reveal choice clues that have the power to change your life for the better.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You may not have heard about the “forbidden colors.” And you certainly haven’t seen them, even though they exist. They’re reddish green and yellowish blue, which the cells of your retina are not built to register. However, scientists have figured out a trick by which these hues can be made visible. A few lucky people have actually caught a glimpse of them. I bring this to your attention, Aquarius, because I suspect you are close to experiencing a metaphorical version of this breakthrough — seeing something that is supposedly impossible to see. (If you’d like to read more about the forbidden colors, go here: tinyurl.com/ForbiddenColors.)

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “There’s no such thing as a wrong note,” said jazz pianist Art Tatum. “It all depends on how you resolve it.” Jazz trumpeter Miles Davis had a similar philosophy. “It’s not the note you play that’s the wrong note,” he said. “It’s the note you play afterwards that makes it right or wrong.” I think that’s an excellent understanding for you to keep in mind during the coming weeks, Pisces. Be wary of coming to premature conclusions about alleged mistakes. Wait to hear the entire song and see the bigger picture.

Homework: In what circumstances do you tend to be smartest? When do you tend to be dumbest? Testify at Freewillastrology.com.

I usually don’t allow anyone to hijack this columna, but an exception must be made for California State Assembly member Gil Cedillo. He’s been fighting the good fight for decades, recently trying to get driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants and ceaselessly support DREAMers. Cedillo was so moved by the undocumented college student who wrote in a couple of weeks ago fretting about his future and inability to pay for community college that the chingón assembly-member wrote in with this public service announcement:

Unfortunately, Congress has stalled on passing the Federal Dream Act. However, here in California just last year. Governor Jerry Brown signed AB 130 and AB 131, which allow all students to receive financial aid regardless of immigration status.  Assembly Bill 130 went into effect on Jan. 1, 2012 and allows students to receive private scholarships. Currently, there are many organizations, donors and colleges raising money for undocumented students.  Just a few weeks ago, UC Berkeley announced that they awarded approximately $1 million in scholarships, which was funded by a combination of private gifts and endowments, to 140 students. In Silicon Valley, a group of technology leaders have donated money for scholarships and resources to undocumented students through an organization called Educators for Fair Consideration.  Furthermore, next year, once AB 131 is implemented, students will have the opportunity to receive Cal Grants, Board of Governor’s Fee Waivers (for community college students) and other state-funded scholarships.  Although I agree with Gustavo that we must keep the faith while the Congress acts on the Federal Dream Act, here in California we at least have something to be proud of and look forward to.

Gracias, Assemblymember Cedillo. If only more assemblymembers and state senators across the country agreed with you on this issue…now, back to your regular programming.

Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans change their names, seemingly at whim? For example, Antonio Garcia Rodriguez is Antonio Garcia on Monday and Antonio Rodriguez on Wednesday. And by Saturday, he might call himself Pedro Garcia! Is this a plot to confuse whitey? It’s working, if it is!

— No More Nombres

Dear Gabacho: From the moment a Mexican is born until the day he’s seis pies abajo, a Mexican’s sole goal in life is to confound gabachos—commanded so by diosito en el cielo in Leviticus, it is. But the long-winded names Mexicans use isn’t part of that conspiracy. You can actually find a version of question in my ¡Ask a Mexican! book (BUY BUY BUY in the next week, and you get  a free ¡Ask a Mexican! tote bag…or not), but let me reiterate: Traditionally, a Mexican’s full name constituted four parts: a first name, a middle nombre, a surname, and the mother’s apellido (more than a few Mexis drop the middle name, and use those initials to create cool belt buckles). This insistence on honoring the maternal and paternal sides of the familia, however, wrecks desmadre on American legal forms, which frequently mistake the maternal name for the last name, a middle name for a surname, or a surname for a middle name. And now you know why far too many Mexis get pulled aside by the TSA — oh, and that whole Tío Lencho-looks-like-Saddam Hussein thing, too…

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

I have several friends with smartphones who seem incapable of putting the devices aside for more than a few minutes. At dinner, a party, or any social occasion, they are constantly pulling out their phones to check their email, Facebook, or incoming texts. I consider myself a well-bred lady and find this incredibly rude and insensitive to the people who are in their physical presence. We seem to lack the ability to truly unplug for a little while and enjoy the uninterrupted company of friends and family. How can I politely respond to this situation when it occurs without seeming rude or demanding myself?

Signed,
i-nnoyed.

Dear i-nnoyed,

Your stupid question has damn sure i-nnoyed Lanetta, so forgive me if I seem less than sympathetic towards your dumb ass.

Perhaps you need to re-evaluate how you go about making friends, cause what I’m reading between your sorry lines is…You are PATHETIC.

Something tells Lanetta if you weren’t as DULL AS A DIXIE CUP, your lunch mate wouldn’t have to dial up 911 every time he shared a Happy Meal with your ass.

What you need is a heaping help of people skills and a lot less of them Coconut Shrimp Bites you’ve been tossing back down at the Red Lobster.

STOP BEIN STUPID! You’re mouth is moving but nothing’s coming out…and you want to know why? Cause you aint got a damn thing to say that anybody wants to hear about.

Because you are obviously too dumb to think up anything interesting to spout off about, Lanetta here is going to graciously tell you exactly what to say the next time you find yourself taking some poor dinner guest hostage.

FIRST OFF…When you find your ugly self sitting there at the Cracker Barrel, waiting for a waitress to waddle up to your table, take this opportunity to divert your misfortunate friend’s attentions away from his phone and to the recent vacation trip you took. If you are too dumb to remember any of your travel details, then make some shit up and describe how you fell off Diamond Head and lay comatose for days on end…only to wake up to find an apple crammed inside your mouth as you lay prostrate in a fire pit.

If “made up shit vacation talk” won’t keep your victim off his phone, then time to start talking truths and own up to things that you are ashamed of…like that little mustache problem you most likely suffer from.

FACE IT! That dinner date and everybody else in a five-mile radius saw your five o’clock shadow at high noon, so use that unsightly lady stubble to your advantage and flaunt your repulsiveness with pride.

Perhaps the urgency of your hideousness will cause your friend to put down the cell phone and help you out with your depilatory dilemma.  But be for warned. Them stupid EYE-Phones have an APPLICATION for almost everything, so your mustache talk could very well be proven counter productive when your friend feels the need to consult his phone in order to ask for tips on how to help you not be so beastly.

But after all this trouble, you still find yourself competing with your friend’s fancy, schmancy cell phone and despite all the humiliating mustache talk, this means your friend don’t give two rips about your hairy face or how you are going to de-hair it. It’s time for drastic measures.

Nothing will grab the attention of a cell phone addict more than a good old international sign of chocking will.

If you are too stupid to know what THE international sign of choking is, then you need to go find you a re-called toy and start chewing on it. You will figure it out real quick once you have a plastic whistle lodged down your throat. Plus…you will have just one more reason to hate China.

So next time you catch your dinner date on a phone call, pop a cherry tomato in your mouth and take a deep breath. Once you are grasping and clawing at your neck and drool starts hitting the table top, you’ll be amazed at how fast he ends his call.

And even better, if your dinner date is a prospect for romance, it will be icing on the cake when he throws your person to the floor, mounts you, clears your airway and starts blowing inside your mouth.

Besides the clearing of the airway part, this scenario sounds like a good first date to Lanetta and Lord knows she’s had worse.

So in a nutshell, quit being so whiny and demanding and just be glad you got somebody willing to be seen out in public with you…especially considering your mustache problem.

Lanetta can assure you, if she ever finds herself sitting across the table from your sorry ass, she’ll be on her phone dialing the HELP LINE…STAT!

Be Blessed,

Lanetta

Dear Lanetta,

My best friend’s husband recently died and per his final request, she had him cremated. Rather than spreading his ashes though, my friend decided to keep them inside an urn and sleeps with it every night. Lanetta, do you think there is anything wrong with a widow sleeping with her dead husband’s ashes?

Signed

An Urn-est Friend

Dear Urn-est Friend,

Tell that friend of yours that if she ever hopes to entertain in the boudoir again, she’s going to need to empty her ashtrays.

Better yet, tell her to avoid dating men that smoke altogether. They die sooner and before long, it’s going to get crowded in her bed.

Be Blessed,

Lanetta

Alabama state Sen. Bobby Singleton, D-Greensboro.

Alabama state Sen. Scott Beason, a Gardendale Republican.

Spotted: An open copy of Jayber Crow (and an open can of beer) from one of our PostScript writers, Elisa. Berry writes about community, and Elisa reads on her porch so she can interact with her neighbors in her New Orleans community ... so, way to go, Elisa. We think Wendell would approve.

Have a picture you'd like to submit to Books in the Wild? Email us at postscriptbooks@gmail.com.

Now imagine facing those pressures as a gay teen in a homophobic society, especially in a conservative place like Alabama.

Sarah Noone is president of the Gay Student Alliance at Indian Springs School and an enthusiastic BAGSLY participant. “I’m trying to get everyone in my GSA to come to these meetings,” she said. Photo by David Garrett.

It’s not easy.

Things are even tougher for gay and lesbian young people who lack safe, supportive environments at home or school where they can explore their identities without being harshly criticized or even punished.

Young gays and lesbians, as well as teenagers who are merely questioning their sexual identities, need access to safe places in order to build their self-esteem, gain a better understanding of themselves and properly begin their lifelong journeys of self-discovery.

These young people also need access to communities where they can make friends and overcome what can be a crippling sense of isolation.

They need positive adult GLBT role models who can help disprove society’s misconceptions regarding homosexuality.

They need information about health and other life issues.

And perhaps most important, gay and lesbian youth need to learn to accept who they are and be proud of it.

Kim Shoemaker is a BAGSLY adviser who says that the support group is a place where gay and lesbian youth “can learn to be comfortable with who they are.” Photo by David Garrett.

Support groups are one technique used to help meet these needs.

Gay and lesbian kids in the Birmingham area have been served for over a decade by the Birmingham Alliance of Gay, Straight and Lesbian Youth (BAGSLY).

The group meets twice a month at the Unitarian Universalist (UU) Church of Birmingham.

According to the organization’s volunteer manual, BAGSLY was formed in the late 1990s and begin meeting at the church in about 2000. BAGSLY is described as a social support network of adult volunteers and young people ages 14 to 20.

“BAGSLY is primarily a place where GLBT youth, questioning youth and their allies can come together and get support from each other,” said Glenda Elliott, BAGSLY adviser, one of the support group’s founders and director of the Alabama Safe Schools Coalition.

Kim Shoemaker, a lesbian activist, a UU church administrator and another BAGSLY adviser, describes the organization as a place where GLBT youth “can learn to be comfortable with who they are.”

BAGSLY member Sarah Noone speaks while adviser Glenda Elliott listens. According to Elliott, the group’s adult advisers “show that they care about these young people and want them to feel good about themselves.” Photo by David Garrett.

It is also a place where those gay and lesbian kids can relax and be accepted. “It’s a way for them to make friends and have some social contact,” Elliott said.

Weld Local met with Elliott and Shoemaker at the Unitarian church on a recent Tuesday prior to a BAGSLY meeting. Also taking part was Sarah Noone, a regular participant in the group and a student at Indian Springs School, and Jessica Orcutt, a BAGSLY member and a student at Alabama School for the Fine Arts.

Noone said that many kids who come to the group are looking for the support and understanding that they have been unable to find elsewhere.“A lot of people find a lot of comfort in groups like this because they don’t have an environment like this at home or school,” she said. “That what makes BAGSLY so attractive.”

Each BAGSLY meeting is attended by two adult advisers, from a current pool of about 8 to 10 advisers, and those adult mentors play a critical role, according to Elliott.

“The advisers make sure it is a safe place, and that’s very important,” Elliott said. “The group is student-run group, but advisers are there to offer support, to give information when asked, to identify resources in the community. The advisers who are themselves LGBT serve as role models. And the adults who are non-LGBT are role models for wonderful allies. They are adults who care. They show that they really care about these young people and we want them to feel good about themselves.

It is important to the success of BAGSLY and similar groups that straight and questioning kids be involved, according to the interview participants. “I think it’s a very important component, because then it’s not just banding together because we’re gay,” Noone said. “It’s everybody getting together to work and get stronger.”

The manual for BAGSLY contains strict guidelines and an interview process for adults who wish to become advisers. “The adults make sure it is a safe place, and that’s very important,” Elliott said. Photo by David Garrett.

The gay and lesbian young people in BAGSLY receive a distinct psychological benefit from having the straight kids in the group.  “The bottom line is that straight allies provide acceptance to the LGBT young people,” Elliott said.

Orcutt is one of the young people who self-identify as straight who are participating in BAGSLY. There are still a lot of problems facing gay and lesbian youth in schools, she said.

“There’s still a lot of bullying that happens with gay kids,” Orcutt said. “People are afraid they’re not going to be accepted for who they are.”

This is “horrible,” she says, because a person’s sexual identity is not something they can change, even if they want to.

One factor that is gradually making some area high schools more tolerable for gay, lesbian and questioning kids is the recent growth in the number of gay-student alliances, according to Elliott and Noone.

Among the high schools that now have GSAs are Pelham, Homewood, Hoover, Oak Mountain, Alabama School of Fine Arts and Indian Springs School, where Noone is GSA president.

The interview participants hope that this growth in the number of GSAs in the area will help boost the attendance at BAGSLY meetings, which – according to Noone – presently averages about 10 to 15 people.

According to Elliott, “I think with the growth of GSAs in this area, that will feed the membership, too.”

Noone adds, “I’m trying to get everyone in my GSA to come to these meetings.”

BAGSLY has received encouragement not only from the UU congregation but from another group that meets at the church – the Birmingham chapter of Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). “They are a great group and sometimes have so many people they have to meet in the sanctuary,” Shoemaker said.  “Some people drive from an hour away.”

It is appropriate that BAGSLY and PFLAG meet at the Unitarian church, since that denomination has a long commitment to human rights, according to Shoemaker “This church has a rich history of being a social justice church,” she said, noting that the church was active during the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s.  “And gay and lesbian rights are a big part of civil rights.”

Adults who wish to become BAGSLY advisers must go through an application process, according to Elliott. A prospective adviser must agree to a security check, be interviewed and give references, she said. As the BAGSLY volunteer manual states, “BAGSLY promises that it is a safe place for its members, and we take that promise very seriously.”

Those interested in becoming advisers should contact Shoemaker at (205) 945-8109 or office@uucbham.org.

BAGSLY meets at the Unitarian Universalist Church, 4300 Hampton Heights Drive, on first and third Thursdays, 6:30-8 p.m. The next meeting is May 17. Call (205) 821-3239 or email bagsly2012@gmail.com.

Bagsly will host “An Arabian Night,” an LGBT-inclusive prom for area students ages 14 to 20, on Saturday, May 19, 7-10 p.m., at the Unitarian Universalist Church. For information, contact bagsly2012@gmail.com or office@uucbham.org.

PFLAG meetings are held at the Unitarian church on second Tuesdays at 7 p.m. For information, visit http://pflagbham.org.

Jesse Chambers is the editor of Weld Local and a contributing editor at Weld for Birmingham. Send your feedback to editor@weldbham.com.

Throughout the Republican primaries, conservatives said they couldn’t trust Mitt Romney’s commitment to their cause, because he’d come to them later in life. They thought he was insincere in his convictions, had only moved to the right to further his doomed presidential aspirations. To be fair, it’s hard to say they’re wrong. It does seem awfully convenient, his being so much more moderate when he was trying to become governor of liberal Massachusetts. If he wanted to make himself a viable candidate for the GOP nomination, he had to shift some of his positions. No one can make it through the Republican primary process without asserting his or her abiding love of the unborn, as often and as loudly as possible, for instance. What I’ve yet to figure out, though, is why they cared so much.

Nor do I understand why anyone cares about Obama’s reasons for voicing his support. He’s not my friend or family member. He has no obligation whatsoever to share his thoughts with me. Fortunately, I’m not terribly interested in them, it’s his words and deeds with which I’m concerned. They have the potential to change lives. As far as his motivations, well, that’s his business.

The assumption around the internet seems to be that an action motivated by political expediency somehow matters less than one born of principle. But the reality is, it’s the electorate’s responsibility to hold elected officials, presidents included, accountable for what they say. If we can’t be bothered to do the necessary work, that’s our failure. Arguably, a position stated
by a politician who wants to be reelected, or is pondering his or her legacy, is more likely than others to be maintained and acted upon. Self interest does tend to be a powerful motivating force.

The real question, though, is why anyone thinks this merits our attention. President Obama is a politician, and quite a skilled one, at that. Politicians by definition do things for political reasons. It’s just what they do. Not every decision is politically determined, but no decision is made without an examination of the probable political consequences. Of course, a position or action not accompanied by political advantage isn’t going to happen. That’s just how this works. So can we please stop pretending otherwise, and change the subject already?

Throughout the Republican primaries, conservatives said they couldn’t trust Mitt Romney’s

The finish line is here

This week, the Alabama State Legislature will wrap up its 2012 regular session.

A bill that would offer tax incentives for compressed natural gas vehicles awaits a vote in the Alabama Senate in the legislative session’s final week.

It’s unclear whether the legislators will be able to adopt budgets before the session ends. In addition, special sessions for redistricting and possibly the Jefferson County financial crisis are looming.

The finish line for the regular session may be here, but we haven’t seen the last of the legislature in 2012.

Some environmental bills remain in play on the final day.

A bill that would require centralized waste treatment facilities to post a performance bond awaits a vote of the Senate. Rep. Ron Johnson (R-Sylacauga) has been a champion of this bill after an industrial waste operation left a leaching facility to pollute Sylacauga without any means, other than public dollars, to clean it up.

A bill that would provide for tax incentives for compressed natural gas vehicles also awaits a vote of the Senate. This is one of several energy bills to be introduced this session.

A bill that would set up a transportation infrastructure bank, including funding for mass transit, has been waiting for a vote of the House for two months. Wednesday will be the bill’s final chance.

Several other bills are on Gov. Robert Bentley’s desk for signature.

One bill would extend the moratorium on new landfills for an additional year.

Another provides for the coordination and development of farm-to-school programs to make sure more locally grown produce gets to Alabama’s schools.

Incentives for irrigation on Alabama farmland awaits the governor’s signature.

And a bill that would establish an energy and fuel research and grant program at the Department of Agriculture and Industries also is on the governor’s desk.

Next week in this space, we’ll offer a comprehensive review of environmental bills this session as we wrap up the 2012 regular session and prepare for potential special session(s).

Snyder’s updates are also posted on the Alabama Conservationist blog at conservationalabama.wordpress.com.

You can find a detailed summary of all eco-related bills in Conservation Alabama’s Hot List at www.conservationalabama.org.

Cooper Green paid consultants $85,000 out of accounts unknown to the Jefferson County Commission.

When a group of consultants pitched a plan to move Cooper Green Mercy Hospital’s administration and assets to a health care authority last September, Commissioner George Bowman told his colleagues on the commission that the consultants were not costing the county a penny.

But that wasn’t true.

In several meetings in recent months, Bowman has insisted that the hospital sends every invoice to the full commission for approval, but Bowman knew that was not true, either.

In short, he lied.

Just days after that committee meeting, Bowman’s office directed Cooper Green administrators to pay almost $85,000 from a hospital discretionary fund that the four other commissioners did not know existed. In a contentious and almost prosecutorial commission meeting Tuesday, Bowman said he had directed the payments, although hospital administrators indicated in the meeting that it had been someone from Bowman’s office who gave the directive, not the commissioner himself.

County Commissioner George Bowman

Since taking office in 2010, all county commissioners have favored moving the indigent care hospital to the control of a health care authority with an appointed board of health care professionals controlling its operation. Republican lawmakers have also pushed for a similar plan, and some Democrats in the legislature have said they were open to the idea.

But during the meeting last year, the commission was spooked by Bowman’s urgency, which at times seemed almost like panic. When commissioners asked Bowman for more time to consider the proposal, Bowman pushed back, insisting the county not delay a transfer. It was during that meeting on September 20 that Bowman said the consultants were not charging for their work.

In fact, the consultants had already invoiced the county on August 8, more than a month before that meeting. A day after the meeting they were paid. Pollock Financial Group received $60,000 from one of the funds and Castle Oak Securities received just shy of $25,000, commissioners have since discovered.

When Bowman told his colleagues last September that the studies for a health care authority were not costing the county, neither of the consultants nor any hospital administrators present in the meeting corrected him.

During the commission meeting Tuesday, Bowman argued that the entire commission had authorized the hospital to pay for the consultants on Sept. 27. On that day, the commission passed a resolution directing Cooper Green CEO Sandrall Hullett to formulate a new business plan for the hospital. That authorized Hullett to make the payments, Bowman said.

But that timeline is impossible, Commission President David Carrington quickly pointed out. Even if Bowman was correct that the commission authorized the payment, then it made the authorization more than a week after the checks were cut. Regardless, the resolution Bowman pointed to included no authorization to spend money, Carrington said.

Under questioning from Carrington, Hullett said the hospital had been doing its business planning in-house until Bowman directed Cooper Green to use those specific consultants.

Forgotten Fund

The county commission authorized Cooper Green’s discretionary fund in the 1980s, but knowledge of it was later lost as elections changed the makeup of the commission. An investigation into the hospital’s finances by Deputy County Manager Walter Jackson discovered the fund about a month ago, and since then the county manager’s office has tried to determine how it was used.

For the most part, the fund has been used for small expenditures, including gift baskets for employees of the month and furniture for hospital staff. Much of its funding came from donations and grants to the hospital, county officials said Tuesday.

According to Carrington, those kinds of expenses should have been included in the hospital’s general fund, and Commissioner Joe Knight accused the hospital of using the fund to hide grant money and donations from the county.

In the last year, the hospital spent about $1.1 million from the account, which he called a hospital “slush fund.”

“So basically this fund was used to circumvent the commission?” Knight asked. Cooper Green CFO John Garrett said it was not.

Throughout the questioning by the other commissioners, Bowman frequently interjected, calling the meeting a “witch hunt.”

“It appears that you are looking for a smoking gun that does not exist,” Bowman said.

When the other commissioners ignored Bowman, he interrupted them again, asking if he was invisible.

“I must be,” he said after, again, not getting a response.

Commissioner Sandra Little Brown said the dispute was why the county needed a professional manager to take charge of it affairs.

“I thought until Friday that Cooper Green didn’t write any checks, then I found out that wasn’t true,” Brown said.

Broke and Busted

For Cooper Green, the inquiry into the discretionary account was not the only issue before the commission Tuesday. The county manager’s office had discovered more than $9 million of capital needs for the hospitals, far more than the $3.5 million reported weeks ago. Without an immediate infusion of cash from the county’s general fund, the hospital faces being shut off by its vendors.

About $3.5 million of past-due invoices were older than 90 days, Jackson told the commission.

The commission voted 3-2 to give the hospital $3.6 million. Commissioners Carrington, Brown and Bowman voted for the resolution. Commissioners Joe Knight and Jimmie Stephens opposed it.

Explaining his vote, Carrington said that the hospital had $3.6 million in unpaid invoices at the beginning of the fiscal year, when the county manager took office. It would be up to Petelos’ office to get the hospital’s budget balanced, he said.

Stephens and and Knight said they could not vote to give the hospital more money until its finances were transparent and its budget balanced.

Jackson told the commission that the hospital had been on track for a $14 million deficit for the fiscal year, but cuts being made by the hospital and county manager’s office should be able to produce a balanced budget for 2013.

The timing of the hospital’s financial blunderings couldn’t be worse for the county as it is asking the Alabama Legislature to approve the Alabama Financially Distressed Counties Relief Act, which would reinstate an occupational tax for the county to right itself financially.

“We’re trying to work out a solution to the whole deal and then this — this is not going to be pretty,” Knight said.

I met a fighter this past weekend in St. Pete.  A real fighter.  Michael De La Pava, Miami Mike we called him.  That was so we could separate him from Tight Mike, who was from Queens, a boxer himself, who but for age and experience might just as well be the subject of this essay.

I’ve never seen Mike fight, but I know he can bang.  How?

His whole bearing speaks of it.  Early Saturday morning, as we made our introductions he said he was a Muay Thai instructor and mentioned he had a few fights under his belt.  He stated this simply with no need for embellishment.  I’ve learned over several years of interaction in the martial arts world, the more a dog barks, the less fight he actually has in him.  Mike was not barking.

Muay Thai is a kickboxing style that comes from Thailand.  It’s been popularized in film by actors like Jean Claude Van Damme and Tony Jaa.  It’s a very physically demanding art and practitioners learn to give and take massive amounts of punishment in the form of punches, elbows, knees and kicks.  It’s also a very traditional style whose history reaches into antiquity.

In Thailand a whole culture surrounds the art with fighters joining their respective camps at very young ages, sometimes as early as three or four.  They eat, train and sleep with their camp, integrating themselves into a larger fight family.  Even as young children their lives center around Muay Thai.  They contribute to the functioning and sustenance of the camp, beginning their own training by five or six and entering their first fight somewhere between ten and twelve.  By twenty-one most fighters are ready to retire with several hundred fights under their belts.  Once retired successful fighters parlay their experience into coaching careers.

Traditional Muay Thai, even as practised by non-Thai, involves an elaborate pre-fight ceremonial dance where the fighter shows honor to the ring, the audience, his coach and most importantly his opponent.

Mike’s humility speaks more to his experience and prowess in the ring than any bragging ever could.  Not once did we hear a story about how he had some poor slob up against the ropes or of the power and might of his feet and fists.  Instead we heard of the sacrifice it takes to be a fighter, the discipline and the dedication.  Long hours of training, strict diets, the mental focus that excludes everything but the fight.  One fight might take three to five months worth of discipline and sacrifice–sacrifice that comes from not just himself, but his friends and loved ones as well.

He’s the first to admit that humility is one of the first and most lasting of the lessons of a true fighter..  My own martial arts experience began with Tai Chi and progressed into traditional karate and kung fu styles.  Each of these are respectable arts steeped in history and tradition, but they are also taught as no-contact arts.  The foundation of each of them is in kata or forms, choreographed patterns of movement designed to teach the fundamental movements of each respective style.  Back in the day this was how a student was introduced to the ‘toolbox’ of movements contained in each style.  After having mastered each of these ‘tools’ a student then learned how to free form these movements and eventually to fight.  As such a modern student learns how to fight the air, all the while building his fantasy world with support and illustration from the latest Hollywood blockbuster or a classic chop-socky from Hong Kong’s heyday.

In antiquity the ultimate aim of all fighting styles was fighting.  The style itself was a form of martial technology, the information contained therein guarded as precious military secrets.  Today the practice of most traditional styles is an exercise in historical preservation, an admirable pursuit, the downside of which is that many a youngster grows up in his style or school thinking he can fight when he has actually has no real experience fighting.  The end result is often the dirty little secret of martial arts schools–the all too common story of a young, foolish black belt picking a fight with an untrained, but experienced kid on the street and getting his ass handed to him.

An early lesson of anyone who does fight is that no matter how big and bad you think you are, there’s always someone out there who is bigger and badder.  A true fighter is humble, he’s had his share of wins and losses and has a realistic view of himself.  He knows a fight can turn on the slightest of insignificances and that often the winner is nothing more than the one who wanted it more.